P1PP1N

Unfashionable

2009-09-25T09:13:00.002Z

Blogging seems to have lost it's lustre. I think I am a bit bored with it. How do I keep my interest?

Maybe it's because I have been so busy. Selling a flat, buying another, work, training, social stuff.

Maybe it's better to just do rather than talk about doing. On the other hand I rather liked getting my thoughts out of my head.

Bah!

Konnichi wa

2009-05-22T11:38:00.002Z

Hello all (I do sometimes wonder if there is an all anymore, perhaps there is just a you? Or maybe just a me? Ah well blogging is in effect a solitary act sort of like written masturbation so does it really matter? The woods are empty but those falling trees really do make a sound and that sound is the tapping of keys).

Anyway... On with the post.

I am trying to learn Japanese. It helps with Aikido given that Aikido is a Japanese martial art and all the moves, strikes, throws commnds etc are given in Japanese. Some might call this pretentious but to steal a joke from Grant Naylor....,
"Pretentious? Watashi?"

Well, it made me laugh.

Anyway it's not easy. Romanji fair enough but katakana and hiragana? Sweet googly moogly that's some hard learnin'! On the bright side it's quite an interesting thing to look at. Did you know that there are no plurals? On top of this I am training extra hard to get better. Not an easy task, it takes years and years to get good and a lifetime may not be enough to master it all.

The brilliant thing about all the exercise I have been getting is that I have been able to carb up. I am a bit of a lover of big sandwiches and now I need the extra protein etc I can get back to the trough!

Work is a bit weird at the moment. There is a situation brewing that is really testing me. I feel like I have been dumped in the middle of something that I really don't want to get involved with. I guess we just do what we must.

On the bright side it's Friday and I am not training again until Tuesday so I have three days of R&R durinmg which I intend sample booze and food!

Anyway duty calls, have a good one all.

Weirdly happy

2009-05-01T09:21:00.002Z

Hi,
Thought I'd pop by and blow the cobwebs from the corners of my blog. Me? What have I been up to?

Ok.

Selling my place. It's so clean and tidy it's like someone nice actually lives there. I have a viewing today actually so fingers crossed. Although I would have to be lucky as it's only been on the market a couple of days and I hear it can take months. I am trying to be zen about it!

On the bright side I have been getting some extra Aikido training. I am exhausted as I am also doing yoga twice a week and running too. Getting fit. Although I am tired it's left me with a really nice feeling of well being. Which is nice :-).

I also thought I'd take the time to mention how beautiful it is where I live. Sorry if that sounds smug but at dawn when there is no one else about and I am running it's amazing.

For those of you who have read my earlier blogging may be a bit surprised at the tone of this one. Usually I am pretty angry at the world but at the moment I am pretty chilled. It could be that it's Friday, it could be that I am not training again until Sunday, it could even be exhaustion induced euphoria, whatever it is it's superb. If I could bottle this I'd be very rich!

AND....

Tonight I am off out for dinner and a cheeky drink. If I was doing any better I just couldn't live with myself.

See ya

Did I mention?

2009-04-07T12:43:00.003Z

I passed my grading. The learning curve keeps getting steeper though.

So all good there. I also decided to go back to yoga. Did I mention that? Mostly to help my flexibility but also for the superb feeling of relaxation it gives me.

So bored at work.

Friday

2009-03-20T14:17:00.002Z

Friday is the greatest day in the world. Except for xmas day or payday Friday. Apart from the exceptional dates, in the week Friday is the best day. The whole weekend is stretched out before you, anything could happen. Friday is full of potential and you have a whole weekend to play with.

I guess it shows that I have been looking forward to the weekend. I have a tough weekend though. I need to pass my first Aikido grading. I have put in the work but there is still random chance to cock it up. I have trained a lot recently and every night this week. I should be able to deliver the magic on demand or at least i hope so.

This happens on Sunday so I will be training tonight and tomorrow as well. Well a half day Saturday, I intend to do a little hiking. There may also be a chance of me having a few beers Sunday night so I expect Monday morning will consist of me complaining a lot!

I hope everyone else has fun times planned.

Been a while

2009-03-16T12:44:00.003Z

It's been some time since I posted anything. To be fair I have been pretty busy. I took some time out and have been training really hard. I have bruises on my bruises but my ribs have stopped singing every time I move.

I went to an Aikido seminar for the weekend a bit back. I learned loads. For example I learned that I am better than I thought I was but that I have a lifetimes worth of stuff to learn. I also learned how quick the black belt dans are. My break falling improved through necessity but I learned that if they were really trying it wouldn't be nearly enough. Not a bad lesson to learn against people who have the control to throw me as hard as I can survive but no harder.

Oh yes, on the weekend I made Manchester tart for my best friend. She missed it. The recipe I had starts with a blind baked shortcrust pastry case. You spread raspberry jam on the bottom of the case and sprinkle dessicated coconut on it. That's apparently it for traditional Manchester tart except you serve it with custard. The recipe I had included a custard layer that then set so that it was included in the tart. All in all it was pretty wicked.

I'm back low carbing. Aikido seems to be easier if I am lighter so I dropped about 6 lbs.

Best be off

Redundancy

2009-01-20T15:33:00.003Z

The word is being whispered about the corridors. I don't like the cut of it's jib. It's a scary time and I cannot afford to lose my job.

I am generally lucky with everything but love so here's hoping.

There is dead wood about the place so I hope they wont chop the supple green limb that's yours truly.

Apart from that things are good. I am progressing at Aikido and generally having fun about the place.

Back in the saddle

2009-01-15T15:29:00.002Z

Back again. Bruised and battered. Still nursing injuries I have picked up in training.

I know this sounds a bit strange but does anyone else kind of like injury? Not as in like it but there is a certain satisfaction about the odd bump and bruise you pick up from sports etc. Perhaps some sort of validation of your will to succeed in your field. I am aware that this sounds like a lead up to asking if someone would spank my ass but that's not it. It's weird looking for motivations in your own psyche. It's dark in here and a little bit scary.

Come on, don't leave me hanging here I know there are some of you out there who play competitive or dangerous sports or who study martial arts who feel the same.It's not that you like being injured or that you don't resent the recovery time. It's more like a badge of honour.

Just me?

Fine!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T10:02:00.001Z

Hey All,
Wanted to say Merry Christmas. It's the final part of the uphill slog to rest and relaxation.

God bless us one and all.

Nearly there

2008-12-15T11:24:00.002Z

So I have finished my x-mas shopping, iced the cake and bought some of the booze. I am excited about having my Christmas this year. We, my friends and I, had a chat about trying to make it more festive. Don't get me wrong I always love x-mas but it's over so quickly. You wait all December for this one day and then suddenly it's over.

We tried tricks in the past such as saving a gift for the evening etc but this year we are going all out. Each of us is making food for the day. I have made a traditional Christmas cake, my first ever. It's baked to a recipe my mother gave me, doused in brandy, coated in marzipan and I iced it Friday night! We are also going to cook together which should be fun. We have planned games as well. The tradition of cocktails and charades on boxing day will be into it's second year!

This year has flown past. I am glad it's Christmas again but I hope I spend more time enjoying next year.

Anyway Merry Christmas all (in case I don't get round to posting again before the big day)and a Happy New Year.

Aikido

2008-12-08T16:14:00.002Z

I have taken up Aikido. I used to think I hurt when I went to the gym! Now I get the pleasure of using the rusty muscles that I apparently don't use normally and get to impact with the mats at high speed!

I am really enjoying it (and that shouldn't be read in a sarcastic tone of voice either). Apparently it takes a long time to get any good but I think I can spare the time to improve.

Also... It's nearly Christmas! I love Christmas. I already have a tree up. I have been at the port and mince pies. I have wrapped presents! It doesn't get much better than this. I can't wait until I get to finish work and get down to the business of being festive.

Ho Ho Ho!

All Hallows Eve

2008-10-31T11:29:00.002Z

I am always unsure about halloween. I used to buy sweets ready for the hordes of nice children yelling trick or treat. I don't bother anymore as apparently the second floor is too high for the fat little sweet munching, hoodie wearing, heading towards diabetes little bastards to climb.

Kids of today huh? I am pretty sure as a kid I would go quite some distance for a sweet. These days it's more like asking for money with menace. It seems like cash ruins most of the stuff that's good and fun about any cool holiday. The supermarkets have been selling halloween stuff for weeks. Loads of expensive crap. It's such a shame.

On the bright side there are fireworks this weekend! Brilliant. I always seem to become a kid again when the fireworks are on. Of course afterwards I grow up and head for the pub. This year I have to take it easy as I have an Aikido class early Sunday Morning. The one last night left me feeling like I have had a kicking.

Still feeling my way with this blogging lark again. It's nice to witter on.

Dead Set

2008-10-30T14:17:00.002Z

Who would have thought anything good would come from big brother? Once upon a time big brother was innovative and interesting... then they made a second series. Originally it was a decent idea and social experiment, now it's a corporate cash cow that takes money from the gullible. Sure phone and vote for your most hated or favourite housemate, spend your money to fund channel four salaries.

Anyway big brother = a pile of toss.

Now though they have made something cool out of the dross that big brother was jammed together from. Anyone like 28 days later? The exceptional zombie genre remake where the zombies are fast and scary as shit.

Dead set, which I am still watching, is big brother/28 days later smashed together with some funny stuff.

I love it.

If you have four on demand you have to take time out and watch it. Watch it now!!!!!

Resigned to our fate?

2008-10-29T14:17:00.002Z

It seems like we have no power over anything. I was doing ok. Usual worries over money and the future etc then suddenly, global recession!

How is my flat suddenly worth less than it was a year ago? It seems hardly fair. What also seems a little unfair is that those responsible seem to go on without being punished. Steal £50 from petty cash and you can end up in real trouble. Lose billions through risky financial practice and nothing happens?

Hmm. Perhaps if all politican salaries were exactly the national average (updated every couple of months) they'd be keener. In fact while we are at it, the kids of politicans should have to go to the nearest state school to their house and they should only be able to use the NHS(no private care). I think there would be a lot more investment in the NHS and in state schools if this were the case.

Grrr.

Zeitgeist

2008-08-01T08:56:00.002Z

Don't talk to me about relationships ok? I mean it, not one word.

I'll tell you about relationships. They don't bloody work! I meet girls all the time, just not the right one apparently. Is there such a thing as being too picky? Surely not. People take time to choose a house and a car surely a life partner is a bit more important than both! Hmmm, probably should just rely on alcohol and chance.

Economy? Don't even start! Is there anyone in the country who actually believes Gordon Brown should still be in the driving seat?

Pah!

Hello again, I feel I should say that this may be a fleeting visit. I have enjoyed blogging (mostly). Sometimes it has amused the hell out of me and sometimes it has been therapeutic.

This year? Busy busy. Lot's been happening. Made my usual complement of bad decisions and poorly thought out choices. Stayed healthy. Blah!

Anyway i thought I'd just dip my toe for now. Check the temperature and then see how I felt next week!

Slack as

2008-01-24T11:47:00.000Z

Getting bored with Blogging it seems. Stuff happens to me but I can't be arsed to talk about it. I don't know if I have got off track or whether the whole need to comment has gone. It's all a bit confusing. I may take a break for a bit and see if absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Well, I'm back

2008-01-11T11:09:00.000Z

After a great xmas and a cool new year I had to come back to work. At first I sulked and took some leave just to squeeze a little extra xmas out of the holidays but eventually I had no choice.

So, it's back to the worst time of year. It's dismal with no hope!

Ok, so I may be being a little melodramatic but surely you would agree it's a bit shit. I don't really do so well in the winter anyway so to go from fun filled to pissed off is a bit of a chore.

On the bright side I can get back to looking after my health instead of excessive eating and boozing!

So here I am, nothing much to say and in a terrible mood. Sod this for a game of soldiers, if it weren't Friday I would be having a serious tantrum right about now.

Yaaaaaaaaay Xmas

2007-12-03T13:44:00.001Z

It's come around again. I love xmas.

I have taken care of a majority of the shopping and have bits and bobs to do. I love getting most of it done early, it means you can swan about selecting gifts in a little envelope of calm while everyone else is screaming and panicking.

I intend to enjoy my shopping. Take time out to have a pint or a hot toddy. Maybe some roast chestnuts. Maybe I will just sit at the front of the queue and irritate people by having a long conversation with the girl at the checkout (I'd neverdo that!).

I do worry that the sheer raging materialism ruins the point of xmas. It's becoming just some time off with presents and a big meal in the middle. I'd like to recapture the magic that it held for me as a child.

Ok, I know what you are thinking. It just doesn't work like that. Fair enough, I will still remind myself to be thankful about how cool everything is. I shall try not to get grumpy and try to remember the whole ethos of the day. Not the religious bollocks just the fact that it should be a day of cheer and remembering how bloody lucky we are not to be living in some tin pot country with a psychopath as lifetime presidente.

I wont be ducking bullets (unless I run on the railway station wearing a backpack), it will have enough to eat (way more than I need), I wont have to worry about my family (except for embarrassing presents) all in all I have it pretty sweet.

I am not a great philanthropist, I am certainly no florence nightingale, I don't work in a soup kitchen so the least I can do is spare a thought for the less fortunate and maybe next year try to do more.

So, I made gingerbread the other day. I don't really like the stuff but it was for an idea I had. I thought it'd be nice to give my family some ginger bread in a festive box. The idea was better than the execution. I hate to say it, I am an ideas man. In my head they were beautifully presented sparkling boxes fll of the wonder of ylue tide. In reality they were hand made boxes with ginger bread and candy canes (this may be the only time I will accept the word candy as part of the English language, Americans I am looking at you!) in them. I guess it's the thought that counts but it was so much better in my head!

Home truths

2007-11-23T11:53:00.000Z

Been a while huh? I have a habit of losing interest. Which is strange as I can also be obsessive.

This is not to say I have decided to give up or anything. I have just been distracted. I think Christmas has filled my brain with tinsel and shiny lights. I might be easily distracted. That's not to say I have an attention span longer than a humming bird anyway!

I go out for bread and come back with all sorts of crap.

All this doesn't mean that I have neglected the news. Oh no Mr Brown.

Honestly, it's enough to make you vote tory. At least we would have a change of faces behind the fuck ups. Some other gormless waste of skin explaining and apologising but never actually fixing the problem. Accepting responsibility but never being punished.

What the fuck is that about? Once a politician has said I accept full responsibility and apologise then surely we could haul them off to jail to be buggered by some nutter. You'd think at least they'd lose their jobs.

Alistair Darling? I think a man who lets the freaky eyebrows continue has judgement issues anyway. I think Brown fucked up by not calling an election immediately. He's inherited a position rather than been voted for by the public. If he'd bitten the bullet immediately I think he would have scraped though and we would have been more invested in him. Instead he's the muppet that sneaked in and fucked up. The alternatives have never looked good but they are starting to stink less in comparision.

Here's an idea. All politicians, especially the government must use public transport. Their kids have to go to state schools. They have to live in the most deprived areas of their constituency and they are paid the average wage. I bet they would be a bit more concerned about sorting things out then. There should also be a addendum that no person involved in a sale of state resources shall be allowed to profit from it. They sell that MOD unit and two civil servant get made millionnaires while the public gets shortchanged? Isn't it a bit of a conflict of interest? Isn't it even criminal?

Blimey! That all popped out suddenly.

I hear a chap complained about BT on U Tube? Not a bad idea. My friend was on the phone to BT for over an hour the other night. Just to request a broadband connection from the tossmongers. They passed her back and forth. The price got steadily higher from what she was initially quoted. She was then told that she had to either pay for the higher package or pay £50 for a wireless router. Apparently it's not allowed to use your existing router.

They also got the arse when she said she didn't want any tv packages. She just wants the normal channels and freeview. They really tried the hard sell. Makes you wonder how many old ladies will be bullied or confused into buying more than they need when the digital changeover occurs.

We are surrounded by incompetents and thieves people. Self interest and profit is coming before everything. I like to think that one day a decent man might get into parliament. Or even enough of them to make a difference. Turf out all of the hot air merchants.

Crikey, I do seem to have a cynical turn of mind today.

I may need to go back to yoga soon

Time

2007-11-02T10:40:00.001Z

Wow, it appears that time has flown by again. I get busy and I forget about this old blog. After a while I notice something missing and dust it off like an old jacket (you know the one, not fashionable but you think it's stylish, it spends a lot of time at the bottom of your wardrobe until you notice it and take it for a spin).

Anyway not much has occurred. I am trying to get back into climbing. I am never sure if I like it that much. It's not really enjoyment I get out of it it's some sort of satisfaction. Also, for me it's like getting into the lotus position and saying om. Like the chap in layer cake says mediation is occupying part of your mind with something so the rest can zone out (my paraphrasing). He strips guns and puts them together again. I scramble up a wall and hang by my finger tips. It's very true though, being high up and not having a safety rope (most of the time I free climb) concentrates the mind wonderfully. So despite the pain in my forearms, the abraded hands and the occasional lumps and bruises that I get from climbing I leave feeling calm and together.

Had a rough time getting over my last relationship. Seems poetic that I end something then struggle to deal with the fall out. I feel like I have come through it but it wasn't fun. Good friends and good times are a panacea. It always takes me a while to sort my head out. Generally as long as I stay positive I'm OK. I read somewhere that during times of stress a mind can go towards the positive or towards the negative and the way that it goes can be strongly influenced by training. In other words think good thoughts. All a bit Disney really isn't it? Go too far down that road and you are standing in a field singing in harmony to the blue birds which are perched on your hat.

So relationships. They must go into room 101. I meet someone and it's great. The romance, the wining and dining, spending time with someone you genuinely like all and if all goes well some time in the bedroom.

The problem seems to be when you reach that point where you either take it further or it ends. The 'do you love them' point. It always takes a while to work it out but once you know, you know and if what you know is that it isn't love then it has to end. What else can you do? Fuck buddies? Sure, but that only seems to work if you are both in the same place. Get that wrong and it goes pear shaped pretty quickly. Stick it out and hope that it gets better? Oh get a pair and be a man about it. You know it's not going to get better and if you don't do the decent thing the only option is a life with someone you don't love, who is that fair to? Burying your head never works.

So although I am an addicted serial monogamist I have decided to ditch the relationships as they have all ended the same way. I know there is the argument that it only has to happen once but I have been figuratively standing here arms folded tapping my foot for some time now. Make with the romance plenty quick, chop bloody chop.

OK, I know above I said I was ditching relationships but I have thought for several seconds and decided I was a bit hasty. After all i am sure next time I will hit the jackpot!

What?!...

Against the current

2007-10-12T12:05:00.000Z

Ever been in one of those positions where you are pretty much screwed? Work or private life.

There doesn't seem to be much in the way of an escape route. You are pretty much surrounded and the cavalry isn't coming.

Sometimes I feel like that. It seems to be that it's a pretty good way of sorting people into personality types. Are you glass half empty or full? Are you able to realise when you are licked?

Personally I say do what you can until you can't anymore. I think this is more due to my stubborn nature than any noble reason. Did I mention that I can be a little recalcitrant? Are you sure? I am sure I mentioned it somewhere along the way?

Anyway I have been known, on occasion, to dig my heels in. Now I prefer to describe this as grit or determination or perseverance but I believe it could be mistaken for bloody mindedness. A bit.

Anyway, I have problems to deal with and I am not sure that they can be tackled without totally over stepping my authority. It would seem the smart thing to do would be back off and not get involved.

Yeah right!! Where is the fun in that. Deal with what's in front of you.

On the other hand it's Friday so what's in front of me will be a pint!

I love the weekend.

Piss it away

2007-10-09T09:43:00.000Z

Anyone keeping up with the Diana enquiry?

Why do the jurors need to go to france? Why do they need to see the location of the accident? Ok, perhaps seeing the location might be worthwhile but why do they need to look at the ritz she and dodi were staying in?

How much is this costing the british people?

I get a bit fed up with people wasting cash on crap like this. Sure hold another inquiry. Get a bunch of people and show them the evidence in a room. It should take about a week then get them to return a decision which will without doubt be coloured by opinions they have already formed.

While we are on the subject, the idea of a jury as it stands is a joke. A bunch of people randomly picked from the populatin are required tounderstand legal proceedings and pass judgement on you. Jesus Christ! How scary is that?

There are a hell of a lot of mouthbreathers that could end up judging you if you are unlucky. A jury of my peers? Do I get to adminster IQ tests first and check their educational backgrounds?

I think there should be a minimum requirement for jury duty. Mind you I think that about voting too. Human rights can get fucked, if you don't understand the issues then perhaps you shouldn't be adding your two penneth worth. You know, on election day I have spoken top people who have voted on the basis that they like "his nice smile" or because "well my dad always voted for this party".

Sweet fucking charity. These people are helping to decide things! Am I the only one a bit nervous about this?

"but pip, Everyone should have the right to a vote"

shut the fuck up. Everyone who isn't a fuck wit. I don't care if you vote BNP as long as you uinderstand the issues and aren't just voting because you think Brown has the eyes of a paedophile. Didn't someone mention a while back about giving prisoners the vote? Fuck me. I would instantly vote and campaign against any party considering that.

Hey, why not allow everyone in the world a vote. I am sure Al-Quieda will vote sensibly.

Ok, we are calm. You put down the voting slip, don't make me come over there and explain fiscal policy to you, you twat.

Requisat in pace

2007-10-05T12:15:00.001Z

It's funny sometimes how you just hit a calm.

The right music, the right location and you zen out. I am feeling pretty apprecative about life at the moment. All the stress, pain and other crap that narks up my existence seems very far away. I hope it lasts a while.

I know it can't last forever nor would I want it to. I think it's probably the contrasts in life that make the good times what they are. It's not forever but right now everything is going to be ok. Right now I can sit here with a smile on my face and see what a gift it is to be alive.

You know what else? It's a Friday! The weekend stretches ahead full of possibilities. I am not sure what could be better that this.

These sort of situations don't happen very often and they usually dont last very long. I blogged about another occurance a while back. I called it gobsmacked I think.

I am going to go enjoy this buzz.

Back!

2007-10-04T15:36:00.000Z

Turns out that going out and getting completely tanked up in the company of like minded friends isn't the best idea if you are ill.

What could I do though? I couldn't miss a friends birthday. I did try to leave when we moved from one pub to another but was sternly told to remain where I was. On the brightside I had an amazing if hazy night.

On the darker side I was off ill until today and I managed to share the cold with a couple of other people (just by being near them, nothing else). Definitely not good.

Good night but I have paid for it. Apparently alcohol doesn't work as well and cold and flu.

I'm a bit at sea at the moment. Way too much to think about. I think friends, a decent wine and a good meal is just what the Doc' ordered.

Time will tell.

Gahhhhh

2007-09-28T12:00:00.000Z

Feeling like crap.

Have a stinking cold.

There is a do tonight that I wish to attend.

Time to cowboy up and stop whining about it. Alcohol is used as a disinfectant right? If it will clean medical equipment it will clean me.

It's time that I took care of myself properly and followed the path of booze healing.

Jackson tastic

2007-09-25T08:38:00.000Z

No, I am not making a crack at alledged paedophilia or the way you seem to be able to buy yourself out of a prison sentance in America.

Nope. I am talking about skin lightening cream (not that jacko used it, no siree bob).

The news this morning talked about complaints being laid against a bollywood star for starring in an advert for skin lightening cream. Apparently is some asian colours a lighter skin denotes a higher caste, pretty muchin the same way that in some western cultures a darker skin showed that you could afford a foreign holiday and were therefore richer.

Is there anything to complain about?

No one is being forced to lighten their skin. Just as no one is forced to buy fake tan products. Yes, it's being agressively advertised in the hope that people will buy the product. No, this isn't a crime.

Adults should be able to make a decision. If they are gullible to believe that lighter or darker skin will gain them something, fine. If they feel better with lighter or darker skin, also fine. I look better with a tan, let's face it any IT dungeon dweller would. Pasty white skin isn't a good look. I don't buy fake tan because I find it a little weird for guys. I don't lay out in the sun because this is England and quite frankly we don't get enough. Plus I have the attention span of a spider monkey.

Anyway, I don't see the problem. People always want to look different. If you frown upon one method of lightening the skin you have to reconsider tanning products, implants, liposuction, slimming products, hair dye, the list does go on!

Are these complainers saying that we are who we are and thats your lot? Not a bad sentiment but it'd be nice if they would allow the rest of us to choose whether we wich to follow their philosophy.

I feel that if you have the cash and the desire, you should be allowed to do whatever the hell you like with your own body. I include putting whatever you like in it, drugs, cake, tea, booze. Our bodies are one of the few things we own totally. Providing we don't mind being charged to fix them up it's up to us to treat them how we like.

I do think that the NHS should charge people extraif they don't look after them. Someone who looks after themselves should be charged less than a herion taking, chain smoking, pie eating, kickboxer.

Anyway this whole issue seems to be a bandwagon waiting for idiots to jump on it. Those idiots had better not be dying their hair or even wearing makeup is all I can say!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's good to be back!

Living for the weekend

2007-09-19T10:27:00.001Z

I promised myself I'd never be like this. I hate the idea of just doing the job and living for the weekend.

I think it's a temporary situation as work is mental, too much to do too few people to do it with added advantage of people who seem to be deliberately sabotaging the efforts of me and my team.

I don't intend to ever live to work. It's the other way round or I will find something I enjoy more. Maybe time to reconsider becoming a chef?

On the brightside I have bought myself a blow torch! Time for some dangerous cooking I feel. Given the damage I did to myself with a knife perhaps I should buy some safety gear before blasting the top of creme brule. Gong to be cooking up a storm.

Feeling it today. Made myself a very respectable dinner of shepherds pie and cauliflower cheese. I used stilton in the cheese sauce for a bit of a twist. Anyway such a great dinner clearly needed some wine with it so I cracked open a red that's been in my rack a while. I had a couple of glasses with dinner then ended up polishing the rest off in front of the box.

I don't exactly have a hangover but I have that red wine sluggishness. Not fun considering I have to keep moving today. I reckon it was worth it. A nice relaxing evening seriously chilled me out.

Bugger, best get back to it. More posting when I am not being chased from pillar to post.

Wedding action

2007-08-31T09:54:00.000Z

I love weddings. Not only are they great for free food and booze but there are frequently single girls wandering about. What could be better?

Apart from all that good stuff, the thing I enjoy most is the people watching. Weddings can be a source of comedy gold. Perhaps it's the happy day vibes that inhabit everyone or that everyone is dressed to the nines or perhaps it's the fact that the champagne is flowing and the toasts are many but it encourages behaviour which you don't often see.

You know what I am talking about. Old balding men dancing. Not just dancing but throwing serious shapes. You see them trying to moonwalk, break dance and do the robot.

Don't get me wrong I am not exempt from the exuberance. Give me enough beer and I will dance at a job interview.

Anyway the wedding I attended on the weekend was Hindu in nature and possibly the most fun I have had in ages. A truly happy event full of colour. The food was spectacular, I really didn't want to stop eating. We munched through a few courses and were full but I still resented the hell out of the waitress who asked if we were finished.

Finished? Do I look like I'm finished? I may be groaning and clutching my stomach but I am sure if I shake myself a little it'll settle and allow me a couple more mouthfuls!

After all of this we still ended up on the dancefloor. Where I performed a move that the groom described as screw in the lightbulb and pat the dog. Watch a bollywood movie at some point this will occur.

It's not my fault ok? I'd had a skinful and the groom encouraged me. Well. He showed me the move and dragged me onto the dancefloor. It's still his fault.

It's not often people get me into a suit but this occasion was well worth it. Now all I have to do is locate the guy who did the video and photos , knock him on the head and remove all trace of me from them.

Been a while

2007-08-22T10:15:00.000Z

I have had a lot going on.

I had a promising relationship hit the skids. My fault if you are asking.

I caught Flu.

I learned that being a kid again can be a lot of fun when you get to do stuff like laser tag.

I have discovered a love a cheesecake, especially if I made it.

I hit 33.

All of this stuff has kept me busy. I have been a bit up and down. I think the relationship needed to end and it's better to grasp the nettle firmly rather than see how it goes. It could easily have gone on and then ended in a more painful way later but I figure it's better to deal with stuff as it comes up.

It happened and ended then I caught some unpleasant bug. I tried to convince myself that I was just hungover as after the "talk" I decided things would look much better through the bottom of a bottle. Upshot was that I had a few days off work on my own feeling like crap.

The hardest thing about breaking up is that I m never sure I have made the right decision. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time but now, I don't know. I am gazing back through rose tinted glasses. I miss her a lot and her presence is all through my flat. I have been holding on though, no drunk dialing.

On the bright side some friends took me out for my birthday and got me drunk, a much needed tension breaker.

All in all it hasn't been the best few weeks but things will get brighter I am sure. I hurt someone I cared about but I chose the lesser evil. I am feeling a bit lost but things will get better. I have the luck of the Irish generally.

Anyway, there you go, the reasons I haven't been posting. I have had stuff to talk about but I really didn't want to talk about it as it was still a bit raw.

I bounce back so expect more soon.

A ruby and a pint

2007-07-17T08:46:00.000Z

It's been a while since I had a curry so when the chance arose I leapt at it knife and fork at the ready.

I think we may have got over excited with the ordering. There seemed to be enough food for twice the people present. All of it so nice that leaving any would have been a crime (a crime which I had no choice but to commit, either that or split like an overfull shopping bag).

I should have stayed away from the stuffed chilli starters though, as that resulted in a burning mouth which I tried to put out with beer. A foolish thing to do as one colleague pointed out, it used up much needed food space. I would have said it was foolish as it resulted in me drinking a lot on a work night but there you go.

I trawled in at abut 11pm full of beer and curry but feeling pretty content. Today? Not so much!

It's a great thing to do but I should reserve it for the weekend next time.

Then again it's Friday

2007-07-13T13:06:00.000Z

and all is right with the world.

A couple of hours to go and it's the cocktail hour. I know a little pub that serves free food if you hit it at the right time. Few beers and job's a good 'un.

Seeing friends and having a nice time are what the weekends are about. DIY can lick my bag!

It wasn't me!

2007-07-13T09:03:00.000Z

I thought I'd include the whole story before I said my piece.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6896892.stm

"BBC error 'no reason to resign'

A clip from the five-part programme
A still from the five-part programme

Controller apology
The controller of BBC One has insisted he is not planning to resign over the Queen documentary blunder.

Peter Fincham spoke out after he allowed journalists to see a television trailer which appeared to show the Queen storming out of a photo shoot.

He said showing the footage, which had misrepresented the sequence of events, was a regrettable "human error".

The BBC apologised to the Queen, but Mr Fincham said he did not think he should resign and no-one had suggested that.

'Disproportionate'

"It is a mistake that was made for which, as director of the channel, I take responsibility," he said.

"If somebody above me - the director general of the BBC Mark Thompson - comes and says 'you should resign', then I will of course resign.

"But... I think that's disproportionate and I hope this is something we can move on from."

He added that he had been sent a message of support by Mr Thompson.

Annie Leibovitz
Annie Leibovitz is famous for her celebrity portraits

Mr Fincham had told journalists at a media launch of the BBC One autumn schedule on Wednesday that the trailer showed the Queen "walking out in a huff" from a photo shoot.

However, he later said he had had no idea it had been edited out of sequence by production company RDF Media.

The BBC Trust has demanded an explanation from Mr Thompson.

Michael Grade, a former controller of BBC One and now head of ITV, told BBC Radio 4's Today programme that he felt sorry for the BBC and all broadcasters were "vulnerable".

Blaming "young, untrained" television workers, he said: "Kids don't understand that you do not cut corners. You don't lie to audiences under any circumstances.

"The people who make programmes just don't understand that the basic ethic of broadcasting in this country is trust."

This assembly was never intended to be seen by the public or the press
BBC and RDF media statement

The programme trailer showed the Queen in an exchange with photographer Annie Leibovitz, followed by a clip of her apparently walking off.

The footage was a trailer for a documentary, A Year With The Queen, to be shown later this year.

"The BBC would like to apologise to both the Queen and Annie Leibovitz for any upset this may have caused," the corporation said in a statement on Thursday.

Media coverage

Later, a joint statement from the BBC and RDF said the footage had been supplied by RDF and the BBC had had no idea it had been edited out of sequence.

"This assembly was never intended to be seen by the public or the press," it said.

"Unfortunately, this assembly was given in error to the BBC personnel who were preparing the BBC One autumn launch tape."

RDF Media, which also apologised to the Queen and the photographer, said Mr Fincham had used the sequence "in good faith" and had no knowledge that an error had been made.

Photographer Annie Leibovitz is seen in the trailer telling the Queen she will look better without her tiara because "the Garter robe is so..."

Before she can say anything else, the Queen replies, pointing to what she is wearing: "Less dressy. What do you think this is?"

The clip then cuts to the Queen walking through Buckingham Palace saying to her lady-in-waiting "I'm not changing anything. I've had enough dressing like this, thank you very much", implying she had stormed off from the portrait session.

But in fact, this clip was filmed before the exchange over the tiara.

Blue Peter fine

Stories describing what appeared to be the Queen walking out subsequently appeared widely in the media, including on the BBC News website.

Her Majesty had posed for Ms Leibovitz in March for a series of portraits to mark her state visit to the US.

Four official portraits of the Queen have since been released by the photographer.

The incident comes in the same week the BBC was fined £50,000 after the results of a Blue Peter competition were faked last November. "

So, what he appears to be saying is that it's his responsibility but not his fault. I love the cracks about human error and inexperienced kid's working for him. Presumably that he has employed. What a complete trouser snake. I saw him on the news this morning banging on about how he shouldn't be held responsible for an error that could be made by anyone.

I think the important issue is how far up his own arse he can crawl to get away from what he admits is his responsibility. Although it's fun watching him squirm I find myself waiting for the coup de grace.

Another annoying thing is that it's only so serious because it's the queen. If they had totally misrepresented anyone else, as they seem to do frequently, there would be an apology read out (if you were lucky).

I am holding a general low level annoyance. I am fed up of executives not being responsible for events that happen on their watch. Hatfield train crash anyone?

Bastards!

Practically the weekend

2007-07-06T10:43:00.000Z

I am fairly sure at some point I have banged on about Thursday night being weekend as Friday with a hangover isn't that bad.

If I haven't I am saying it now. Thursday night is weekend. Have a beer or head out on the town. you can cope with a hangover for one day!

This could explain why I frequently look like shit on a Friday morning. On the bright side by lunchtime the twinges are done, the gym has been well and truely visited and I can look forward to a few ales and not getting up tomorrow.

life is sweet.

Nuts and Berries

2007-06-27T13:11:00.000Z

As a veggie I often get accused of existing on nuts and berries.

I tend to laugh this off, obviously after I have administered a thouroughly good kicking. Embarrassingly enough I do eat nuts and berries. and lentils.

It's really, really annoying when you actually live up to people preconceptions of you.

So Tony has left office! I feel it's a bit of a shame. Apart from being bush's bitch for a while he was a pretty decent PM. I quite like the idea of Gorden Brown but whether that will be enough to keep my vote is another matter. I guess we need to see what policies he is going to go at in a desperate attempt to show how different he is from our Tony!

I am sure there will be much anger placed fun from this. On the bright side it's nearly the weekend (Thursday night) and there is definitely reason for tequila!

The church of our noodly lord

2007-06-25T15:11:00.001Z

You may have noticed that I have two sites in the most worthwhile site section.

This is because I am preaching the truth! No seriously. no. Bite me ok, my page my rules.

This page http://www.venganza.org/ is pure gold and no less ridiculous than intelligent design. In fact it has an advantage over ID in that it doesn't even try to claim scientific respectability (much!).

Onward Pastarfai, marching as to parmesan.

Mondays

2007-06-25T14:23:00.000Z

Is there anything more depressing than a Monday? The whole week stretches out ahead of you, taunting you with the fact you need to get past it.

All I want is today out of the way so I can crash out in the sure knowledge that there are only four days left.

Gah! I clearly need a holiday!

and another thing! Did you see the thing on the news about the girl taking her school to the high court to force the school to allow the wearing of chastity rings!

She asserts that it's a religious symbol and therefore she has the right to wear it.

I assert that just claiming any old americanised bullshit shouldn't be allowed.

What a load of cock. A head scarf is a required part of the Muslim religion and should therefore be allowed. A turban is a required part of the Sikh religion and should therefore be allowed. Christians have no required paraphernalia unless they are nuns!

Chastity rings are a personal adornment to show a personal belief. If the school doesn't allow jewellery then she can't wear it. It's like those bastards demanding that they be allowed to wear a crucifix outside of their uniform (BA was it?).

I think the Christians are feeling a bit left out and have decided to rattle the sabre a bit.

What the crap is it about these rings anyway? Why can't they just not have sex? Why do they need to sign a pledge? If they want to miss out they surely don't have to advertise?

Anyway, rather than waste the courts time with this crap they could just shut up about it and accept that there will be certain situations where their beliefs do not take precedence.

I am getting a bit tired of religion. Yes, people should be allowed to believe whatever they like. No, they shouldn't be able to dictate terms to employers unless it is arranged when they are hired. If I went to my boss and demanded my right to wear a t-shirt advertising the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (http://www.venganza.org/) (actually my job is pretty liberal it's what's in your head not what you wear but my old job was a bastard) I'd expect to be told no and be disciplined if I ignored it.

This is no different. Just because it's being done by members of one of the big relgions doesn't suddenly make it unassailable.

Very annoyed. Overjoyed that the rage is coming back though.

http://www.venganza.org/

One handed browsing

2007-06-07T08:18:00.000Z

Not what you think. Although a mate described another mates on line activities in his best man speech as looking at left handed web sites.

That's not what I am doing, right? Right.

I am learning how tricky it is to do everyday stuff one handed. It's pretty annoying. Everything seems to be difficult. Tying my shoelaces for instance, what a polava! On the bright side I am learning a valuable lesson about taking care when using a knife.

I have something that pisses me off. Itching. Healing itches like Wilkinsons. I really want to dig my nails in and scratch for England.

Pah

Plastic scissors

2007-06-06T11:19:00.000Z

I have always considered warning signs like mind your head as pandering to the hard of thinking.

I think if people can't be trusted to mind their heads then a lump or two is a valuable learning experience for them.

Natural selection is important to a species so if we circumvent it by helping the mouth breathers to survive we only hurt ourselves.

That said, I did something so asinine on Saturday that I blush to think of it. I actually had to adjust my placing on the stupidity scale!

If someone else had done this I would have urinated scorn upon them so I feel I should give myself the same treatment (the scorn not the urine!).

OK.

I stabbed myself in the hand opening a bottle of pop.

Nope, that really doesn't do it justice.

I. stabbed. myself. In the hand. While opening. a bottle of pop!

Now the faster amongst you will realise that pop (or soda if you are a Sherman) doesn't usually require a knife to get at. I accept this. A plastic one litre bottle of lemonade can generally be opened by hand and requires little in the way of tools.

In my defense the little bastard of a seal had stuck and prevented me from getting the top off. I may have gotten a bit impatient and tried to lever it off with a serrated knife used for preparing vegetables.

Yes. Now I can see it was a bad idea. Yep, not well thought out at all.

It was like the first 20 Min's of Casualty.

-- This may require a little explanation. Casualty is British series that is set in and about a fictional hospital. The first part is usually given over to setting up the accidents that the A & E staff then deal with. It's also the good bit. There are things like some old guy cleaning his shotgun and leaving it loaded while his 12 year old grandson watches avidly. Gramps leaves the room. Bam, kid shoots his foot off, or shoots granny as she bakes. All very funny as you can see it coming a mile off. At this point it's acceptable to yell at the TV. " No! Don't leave the shotgun loaded on the kitchen table pointed at granny. That kid is just itching to see what happens if he pulls the trigger. Look at the little bastard, he has the dead cold eyes of a killer!". Ahem. You get the point. You can also mention Johnny Briggs leaving the biscuits on the coffee table when razzle is around (something for another day I feel!).--

Anyway, I was like a bit actor in casualty. If what I was doing to the pop bottle with the knife was on the TV everyone would have been yelling, "Don't do that! You are clearly going to stab yourself in the hand. That old pedro charlie will have to sew you up dispensing a drop of wisdom on the way (the bastard)".

The bottle seal gave way. The knife plunged. I came within an inch of nailing my hand to the work surface.

I had a moment to pause and say, "please let that didn't happen" before I had to tug the knife out and blood went everywhere. I got it under the tap and then realised that it wasn't possible to reach a clean tea towel from where I was standing.

The situation was so ridiculous that I was laughing as I called a friend (who I owe big time) to come and drive me to A&E.

The British National Health Service leaped into action and two hours later I was sitting in a cubicle having my hand stitched by a doctor with possibly the worst haircut I have ever seen! Seriously, this guy boldly passed the point where billy ray sirus (lower case intentional) stopped because he thought it would make him look like a cunt.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to him for patching me up but there are limits and a mullet that is a mullet only on one side at the back is so far past them they can't be seen, even if you stand on the shoulders of a Chris De Burgh song.

Anyway. 4 stitches and a sling. Everything is fine. I have some bruising and should get a decent scar for the collection out of it.

There will be more on this subject as doing everything one handed (please just let that slide eh?) is a pain.

Blindsided

2007-05-24T12:54:00.000Z

Life seems to have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

Rereading that I have a horrible feeling I may have quoted Alanis Morrisette. I apologise profusely and unreservedly,it wont happen again.

It's Ironic really (sorry sorry).

Anyway things you don't expect come up and you are left dealing with fallout that you never had before. Not that it's all bad! The good stuff comes with unexpected downsides and vise versa.

Interesting huh?

So, I have a hatred of technology. Actually that's not that true. I feel about technology the way Gollum feels about the one ring. I love it and yet hate it's hold on me. It promises so much then when you don't expect it it bends you over a barrel and gets down to business.

What is it with the people that design this overpriced shit? Why can't they just keep it simple? I don't care how many flashing lights it has as long as it works!

Bastards.

I dont wish to be a geek but...

2007-05-17T14:33:00.001Z

Check this out it's amazing!

http://stage6.divx.com/user/DorkmanScott
/video/1137289/RvD2:-Ryan-vs--Dorkma

Ok, fair enough I am a geek but I love this stuff.

Fighting the tide

2007-05-15T10:31:00.000Z

Bloody hell, I am so swamped at work. I have grabbed a minute to post this.

I am used to a job where you never finish but this is getting silly.

On the bright side I am not bored and have no time to think.

Tally ho.

Oh Crap

2007-05-14T15:14:00.000Z

Did something stupid.

I am probably in the process of making it much worse.

What I should do and what I want to do couldn't be further apart!

Bugger.

A vow of slience?

2007-05-11T14:06:00.000Z

I realise I have been uncharacteristically quiet recently. A lot has happened in the UK and abroad. There has even been events in my own life that I haven't felt the need to talk about?

Why? I shall tell you. Pull up a chair and call the cat a bastard (to quote nanny Ogg).

I have been 'meh' generally. I seem to have broken the rage generator which hasn't failed me before. The anti rage version of kryptonite has been shovelled onto my plate and I find myself suddenly unable to lift a pencil.

Anyway, I haven't felt I had much to add except to comment on the excellent posts of other people.

Yes Blair is going. No, I don't dislike Gordon Brown. I nothing him. He seems sane enough but you never know with politicians, maybe he is really good at hiding the lunacy until he is in a position to thrust us into another war?

Cameron? Smug git.

Ming? I wouldn't trust that old pedro with the TV remote control let alone the big red button.

All in all not a lot to choose between them. Our country is being run by incompetents simply because thats all the choice there is. If you don't want fruit there is no point shopping at a fruiterers (yes it's a real word, I shit you not).

Even now with targets like these idiots I can only raise a mild dislike. The source of all my powers has been snatched away or perhaps there is no more rage in the well. A scary scary thought.

Maybe I have pushed the rage too far and ended up in the calm beyond the chaos. I think I am practically zen now! Except there are occasions where I am likely to try to make people eat my begging bowl rather than chant the koans.

On the bright side it's Friday and I am out of here soon and on me way to the pub. The way I feel at the moment there is not enough beer in the world. This could go pearshaped.

Never mind full speed ahead and devil bugger the hindmost.

Ginger

2007-05-02T09:16:00.001Z

http://www.vimeo.com/clip:50268

I saw this southpark episode a while back and nearly tore my colon laughing. It's a weird thing about us Brits that there has been a certain mockery directed at those of a ginger disposition.

Don't really see it myself. I have always had a thing about red heads. So anyway despite the contention of some of my colleagues that gingers smell I have to say that red heads are hot. Well, some of them are. Anyway there was a big debate and mothers got insulted.

I thought I would add this issue to my blog to see if people felt strongly one way or another.

If you can get the whole episode it's well worth doing so.

So it goes

2007-04-13T10:46:00.000Z

Kurt Vonnegut has died. A great author and by all accounts a pretty cool bloke.

Bummer.

I loved Slaughterhouse 5, not really read much of his other stuff. In fact I am a little unsure as to why I am even writing this blog entry.

Seemed like a good idea at the time I guess. Why do people feel compelled to say things about famous people that died? Remember where you were when you found out Diana died, remember how you felt?

I think I was a little unsympathetic as I was woken by a friend who told me and I was pretty hungover. Once I thought about it I felt sympathy for her, her kids and family but I was unable to work up to the level of hysteria which seemed to grip the country. It seemed a little forced to me. I watched TV and saw people sobbing and I didn't understand. How could that compare to losing a member of your family? Someone you have known since you were a child? Compared to that the death of anyone, even a princess pales.

Yes, it's really sad when anyone dies and it's nice that we feel something about that but remember that we do't know them. We don't know anything but what we read or see on the television. They could be the best people on earth or they could be complete scum. We aren't mourning them we are mourning their public persona and for their family

I find this odd, in myself and in others but I guess it's not a bad thing. At least we feel something.

Nowt queer as folk.

One Year Today

2007-03-22T11:27:00.000Z

Well.

I passed the hundred mark for posting a while back. Now I have reached the anniversary of my Blog. What do I do with that info?

I must admit that the thought of quitting is appealing. I have done this for a whole year and although I have amused myself I haven't really added much. On the other hand it does make me chuckle and I like reading what other people write also. There are times where I struggle to write anything. I try to avoid seeking out stuff to blab about. I prefer (as I have said before) to write when it's being forced out of me by sheer rage or because it just must be said.

I don't claim to be profound or even worth reading as this blog was started for me (and for the people who's ears I used to bend). I think even if I quit I would be compelled to come back and carry on so I wont bother.

I guess I will be here making little comments from the sidelines as and when I feel like it.

While we are here....

Idiots. What the fuck are they for? We need to rise up and sack, dump, ignore and generally harrass these tossbags. I used to say I don't suffer fools gladly, now I say, "what the fuck do you want? Leave me alone before I break my foot off in your arse". Zero tolerance. No making allowances. Keep an eye out don't hire them, if you get the chance set the hounds on them.

WHY WHY WHY? They abound. You can't move before one is in your face dribbling out some purile shit that you don't need to hear. How do they get employed? I seriously question the ability of interview panels (maybe the interviewers need some serious training?). Aaaaaah life is way to short.

I seriously need to get my punch bag set up again. It will help me get out my aggression!

... aaaaand relax. I feel much better now.

Go Burt and Ernie!

Schadenfreude

2007-03-16T10:16:00.000Z

What's the opposite? Is there a word for being happy at someone else's fortune?

A friend had some good news and I am very pleased for him. Obviously if you could all keep this between us that'd be great. I don't want to lose my reputation as a curmudgeon.

Anyway, it's Friday and the weekend of St Patricks day! The diddly diddly music will abound, there will be guinness quaffed (to nick a quote from Prattchet it's like drinking but you spill more) and the craic will be had by all.

Only the morning and I fancy a guinness already.

and some colcannon.

Oooh, and some onion rings!

Cead Mille Failte

Steak and a Blow Job.

2007-03-13T18:01:00.000Z

A chap called Tom Birdsey came up with

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

It was brought to my attention by Tu s.tin.

The premise is that Feb the 14th is for the girls so March 14th should be for the boys. Personally I could do without the steak. Anyway a friend pointed out that valentines day is for the guys too. Very true. Nice wine, decent meal and romance equals Lingerie and putting out.

Still Steak and a BJ is a day that truely deserves it's time in the sun, even if it must be made more politically correct and vegetarian friendly.

How about Spaghetti Genovese and a 69 day? Or Curry and sex day? Or Sandwich and Head day?

Equality people, equality. Spread the word.... and the love.

International Women day

2007-03-08T12:56:00.000Z

Huh? When did this happen? Do I get a day too? Mothers, Fathers, Valentines, Saints and Women. Men probably have a day but given my lackadaisical approach to bothering about stuff like that I can understand if I missed it. In fact I cannot even be arsed to google and see. Send me answers and I will look at them if I can be arsed.

Wait. Put down the knife madam. I am not against women having a day. See? Calm down. I am on your side, or at least afraid of you unleashing the anger.

I think women are great. Absolutely brilliant (except for that 'guess why I am angry' thing, what's that about anyway?). One of my all time favourite things! Right up there with the greats like Christmas day! A day to celebrate women sounds great but I am a bit unsure of protocol. How to I celebrate this? Please tell me it doesn't involve waxing!

Ok here we go. Ready? Whooooohoooooo woman are brilliant!

I need the romance

2007-03-06T12:59:00.000Z

I can't just put out at the spur of the moment. I need the roses, I need the romance. I need to know there will be tenderness. Will there, I ask with wide eyes, be dancing.

You sit there expecting me to come up with a blog that's worth reading? It doesn't work like that. Sometimes I have to yell about something. I have to let it out before it tears me open. If my chest was a cannon I'd fire my heart at it (Sorry Herman).

Other times I am at peace with the world or at least we have a temporary ceasefire. During these lulls the blogging just doesn't come. I have been tempted (and may have actually given in on occasion) to describe events in my life. This can work but to me feels a little like cheating. It feels a bit tame. I like to have the words driven from me by the white hot rage magma compressed behind them.

I started this blog originally after a colleague who was amused at one of my outbursts about something suggested that I needed to get it out of my system and wouldn't a blog do that?

Now I don't have as much rage. Have I shot my wad? Or have I succumbed to enui? Do I care anymore? Can I be bothered to administer a written punch to the nose of the irritating things in life?

At the moment? No. I really don't give a ratchet spanner. Not to worry though sooner or later someone will get on my pecs and I shall gather my fury about me and head off across the moors. Don't stray from the path, if you do you will see me baying at the moon and foaming at the mouth.

While I am here. Why the hell have a meeting if there is nothing to say? Surely that's just a coffee morning? Also meetings to give updates on stuff that is behind schedule take the piss. If we aren't keeping up anyway why saddle us with something that will take up more of the time we need? I like the free coffee and biscuits but could we be a bit more honest about the name please? Can we just call them coffee drinking and biscuit eating while avoiding work?

What do you know? I had a little nugget in there anyway!

Join the Prince

2007-02-28T14:15:00.000Z

Prince Charles has stated that he thinks McDonalds should be banned.

If he had said fined I'd have agreed but banned? I am amazed that people with eat that crap but to go as far as banning it? Adults have a choice. I think we should charge them for their medical bills if all they eat is shitty food but adult should be able to choose what they do providing it doesn't harm anyone else.

You have to love Charley he never seems to get it right. Still even a stopped clock and all that.

Define this

2007-02-26T15:15:00.000Z

I was going to stay away from this one as I get incensed very easily. I tried ok.

Define child abuse.

Is it causing harm to a child? Mental, Physical or emotional? If a person withholds food from a child is it child abuse? If a person force feeds salt to a child as punishment is it child abuse? Is slapping a child to keep it quiet child abuse?

I have never been sure about corporal punishment. I waver from one side of the argument to the other. I agree sometimes a quick slap on the leg gets a childs attention but also think that there are other ways. Sometimes you have to hurt to prevent harm. If a child is playing with matches then a swift slap to the back of the leg and a very definite no will save them from harm later.

Whatever. there are arguments one way or the other here.

I define child abuse as causing harm to a child. This can be mental, physical or emotional. I don't include telling a child no sometimes in this. In fact the absence of discipline could be considered child abuse.

Having nicked this issue from Fat Mammy Cat I at least had the decency to use a different source. From the BBC News ....

"
Fourteen stone child 'risks care'

Connor McCreaddie - ITV1/PA Wire
Connor prefers to eat processed foods

Connor's mother
An eight-year-old boy who weighs over 14 stone (89kg) may be taken into care by a local authority.

Connor McCreaddie, from Wallsend, North Tyneside, has lost a stone and a half in two months, but still prefers processed food to fruit and vegetables.

His mother, Nicola McKeown, has been called to a child protection conference with the local authority on Tuesday.

Family support may be offered, but the last resort would be for North Tyneside officials to place Connor into care.

I can't starve him
Nicola McKeown, Connor's mother

Connor's pre-Christmas weight of 15 stones and eight pounds (98.8kg) is four times the weight of a healthy child of his age.

He has lost weight after beginning an intensive exercise regime and introducing some healthy food into his diet.

The eight-year-old does have a bike and a trampoline which he uses, but he has to stop after around 10 minutes because he becomes out of breath and can vomit.

He has difficulty dressing and washing himself, misses school regularly because of poor health and is a target for bullies.

Confident

Ms McKeown, 35, told the BBC: "Connor had a mouthful of apple once and he didn't like it.

"He refuses to eat fruit, vegetables and salads - he has processed foods.

"When Connor won't eat anything else, I've got to give him the foods he likes.

"I can't starve him.

"But I'm confident I can get his weight down with a bit of help."

His life expectancy is severely prejudiced.
Dr Colin Waine, National Obesity Forum

Ms McKeown denied she is neglecting her son, and said he would be "skinny" if she had been.

She said she had seen doctors, but no-one had actually stepped in to offer her help.

She said that taking Connor into care would be "disastrous".

His story will be featured in ITV's Tonight With Trevor McDonald, which followed Connor and his mother for a month.

Child's interests 'paramount'

Dr Colin Waine, chairman of the National Obesity Forum, said that removing a child from their family could be justified.

"The long-term impacts of this child's gross obesity are frightening.

"He has great risk of diabetes and coronary illness.

"His life expectancy is severely prejudiced. So action is required if his health is to be safeguarded."

A spokeswoman for North Tyneside Council and North Tyneside Primary Care Trust, said: "We share the concerns over the child's health and well-being.

"We have been working with the family over a prolonged period of time and will continue to do so.

"The child's interests are paramount."

"

Check out FMC's take on it at http://fatmammycat.blogspot.com/2007/02/killing-with-kindness.html

I see what his mother is doing as child abuse. She isn't intentionally hurting him but she is causing him harm all the same. He's a kid, he can't be expected to make the right choice with diet. That is the parents job. Blaming the government for not helping is not a reasonable argument either. If you have a child they are your responsibility. Everyone will make the odd mistake but continued benevolent neglect is not acceptable.

Makes P1P sad and angry at the same time.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6396457.stm

I hate to see a bald judge weep

2007-02-23T09:40:00.000Z

What the crap? Who the hell gave this joker a job?

A judge should never be emotionally involved in his cases. His job is to interpret the law not blub like a mental patient. I shudder to think how he decides stuff. Does he award not guilty verdicts if the defendant looks cute like a puppy?

If you have read the crap I have churned out in the past you know how I feel about personal beliefs affecting decisions. Judges, police, military etc have no room for their personal beliefs. They are there to enforce the law as decided by society (more or less). I don't like stuff that interferes with this be it religion (or lack of it, I wouldn't accept an athiest copper coming down harder on a relgious person), predjudice or the tendancy to blubber like a schoolgirl.

Sack him. Give him a job doing something simple where he cannot affect others.

On an aside why are they all so hot to get the corpse? Does it have anything to do with inheritance?

Tiny tool

2007-02-20T12:58:00.000Z

Been off work doing up my flat. Bought a few bits and pieces.

Amoungst my hard found purchases was the frame for my new bed. This thing is beautiful. It's also pretty big. Not by American standards but it's still pretty big.

Anyway, it was delivered in four boxes. I was fine with this, I knew there would be some assembly required. In fact it has to possible to disassemble it or it will be a bitch when I move.

Even in bits it was heavy and tricky to sort out. I read the instructions and examined the bits and my heart fell a little. Rather than those unwieldy bolts they decided to go with bolts that need an alan key to turn them.

(For those of you who don't know what an alan key is, it's a bent tube of metal hexagonal(?) in cross section)

Luckily for me they had provided one. It's not the best option. A tool that small to assemble a bed that I can roll over a few times and still be in. I want something that I can use a powertool to assemble. It's still a chore but at least I can hold the drill like a gun.

Of course, once I had put it together I had to stand and admire my skill. Then my friend came over and she had to admire the manly skill of construction.

I am putting up some shelves soon. I have hired a mariarchi band for the reception. I am currently trying to cut my speech down to and hour and a half but it's difficult to cut all that good stuff. I am considering investing in a tool belt or holster as I like to call it.

and a hard hat.

Damn it

2007-02-07T16:27:00.000Z

The Jibbon is back. I think there may have been a bit of a boo boo.

I missed his cheery little face. It will break my heart whenthe time comes to let light through the little fella and try to ram him round the U bend with the toilet brush.

No. It's ok. I can get a different pet to fill that gap at the side of my blog!

Time for tea!

Where's my fucking monkey

2007-02-06T09:58:00.000Z

I looked today and it was no longer there. I don't really care that much but it would be nice to know why it was gone!

Probably some update that I haven't bothered with.

If it doesn't come back I have to go and find something else to fill the gap and I am a busy man. Ok, ok , I am a lazy man then, same difference.

Just find my bloody monkey before I get bored of the whole issue.

Church is mental redux

2007-02-02T09:20:00.000Z

A chap, mikep, commented of the first church is mental blog to say...

"Not that I'm judging or anything, but it seems a bit ironic to me that you "love Christmas" but find the rest of the religion thing weird.

Afterall, couldn't some observers think it a bit odd that people sacrifice a live evergreen, stand up its corpse in the living room, and festoon it with shiny plastic doodads?"

I replied

"Judge away mikep it's what the web is for (and porn). Although I love xmas not christmas. I make sure that I cut the religion right out of that bad boy.

I also go for the plastic tree, it's kitch all the way. I can't argue with the oddness of decorating a plastic tree though or hanging a lot of shiny crap off it.

I also changed easter into 'chocolate egg couple of days off work time'. There is no need to sully these fantastic events with religion. In fact religion can make them suck, who the hell needs to get up early with a hangover and sit in a draughty church?"

I thought this was a pretty interesting topic. As an athiest my life is littered with religion. I was christened although I was too young to know what the hell was going on. I went to Sunday school where they did their best to turn me into a button down little christian. We had the vicar at our school pretty often for lent and other assorted crap (ever make one of those reed crosses?). We said the lords prayer everyday.

In an aside, the other day at the church the lords prayer was intoned and they have dropped the thees and thines! It's all 'yours in the kingdom' now. I was a little horrified at least it used to sound properly religious now it sounds like a bit of a statement.

So yeah, I do celebrate xmas or christmas. I call it by both names but I don't particularly associate it with Christ. I have attended midnight mass as it gives me a bit of a christmassy feel, we also needed somewhere out of the wind to enjoy some ribs we bought (before the vegetarian days).

I am thankful for everything I have. Doesn't mean I believe in god. England may be a fairly secular country but we came from a highly structured religious past. Our monarch tossed the catholics out (so he could get a divorce although it would be nice to say he did it for us). He set up the church of England which the majority of Brits treat with a kind of benevolent neglect but our lives are still littered with the detritus of centuries of religious control.

I figure that it can be treated like the pagan leftovers of mayday etc. This doesn't mean we shouldn't use them as an excuse to have a little fun.

Pasta pasta pasta pasta

2007-02-01T10:37:00.000Z

I bought a pasta maker.

People who know me are aware that I am a little unhinged about food. I love to cook. It works on me like valium. I am also enamoured of gadgets. So something that combines cooking and gadgets can have me in raptures for days.

The new thing for me is making pasta and drying the excess for later use. Anyone know if you can freeze filled raviolli?

Fresh pasta is different, even from the stuff the supermarkets sell as fresh pasta. Not hugely. You wont taste it and start waxing on about how you will never touch ready made pasta again but I noticed it. Yes it takes time but so do most things that are worthwhile.

Ok, I am aware that I am being a bit mental about this but it's brilliant.

What the hell do you know anyway!

Church is mental

2007-01-30T12:01:00.000Z

I ended up in a churchy situation last Sunday morn.

I understand that this needs some explanation. Me? In a church? Without smoke billowing off me and the building groaning in rage? Yep not a sausage of exorcist type occurances.

Anyway I was there as a friend had invited me to a christening. All well and good, happy to go and support friends. Apparently there is a nine in the morning on a Sunday now but that's ok too. It's an experience right?

So I wandered in and was handed a bunch of papers and a book. I found out later that one of the papers is the service, another refers to specific changes in that service, the book was just hymns. All sorted so far so instructions in hand I took a pew.

This is where is got a bit weird. There is a lot of chanting. Well not exactly chanting. The priest says some stuff then everybody around me responded by saying that same thing back while I rustled through my papers to see where we were and what the hell I had just missed. There was quite a bit along the lines of repeating this is our god, he's the best and the only one around matey.

As an athiest is seemed a bit creepy. In fact it seemed like indoctrination. Imagine listening to stuff like that every sunday (or more frequently if your family is particularly devout) from a really early age. No wonder a lot of people don't even consider questioning it.

Then there was singing, now I don't get involved with singing. It's for the best. Just trust me on this one.

There were some nice bits. At one point everything stopped so we could all shake hands and kiss those strangers sat around us. There was the baby head wetting bit which was pretty cute. There was the hot reverend. I like the idea of female priests at least it gives you something to look at.

Anyway it was fun in a Jane Goodall kind of way. It was quite weird being amoungst a lot of people who saw absolutely nothing strange about any of it.

Religion is odd. Nowt queer as folk.

Sickboy

2007-01-25T15:43:00.000Z

Howdy. Haven't done much in the way of posting recently. I took some time off to deal with the depression of xmas being over. I did not waste this time.

I did some DIY. I sorted out a bunch of stuff. I even threw of some of the detritus that I seem to accumulate when I stay on one place for a protracted period of time. I may have had the odd drinky. So? I was on holiday and I accomplished some Herculean tasks that had been ignored for far too long. I worked all day and at night I kicked back, drank some wine, ate some cheese and listened to some tunes.

All in all I feel I was an example that parents could point at and say to their kids,"If you want to make me proud be like him".

I went back to work with a feeling of accomplishment. I managed one day n the office and came down with the plague. Viral, Bronchial something or other. Anyway felt like poo and looked like the worlds worst skiver. Not satisfied with the xmas holidays I booked a week off then took nearly took weeks off sick! I felt a bit guilty but as I was genuinely ill I dragged my carcass to the doctor who then signed me off work.

So I am back. Still a bit rough (and not a dram drunk) but I don't really feel I can take any more time off even if the doc does give me the thumbs down.

Ahh, a social conscience is a terrible thing to be lumbered with. Penicillin wont clear that up!

Anyway, I am back and feeling the need to exercise to appease the incipient rage but the sawbones has banned me from it for a bit. Need to get well first.

Bah. I've got my eye out for a subject worthy of a venting.

Happy New Year

2007-01-03T09:26:00.000Z

2007! I am a bit amazed that it's 2007. Not because I wasn't expecting it.

It's not like I thought 2006? I wonder what's next? 2007 Ahhhhh brilliant! Who'd have thought it?

Nope. I am amazed because it's 2007! 2007 people!

Think about it, when you were a kid did you ever think it would get to 2000 let alone 2007. I am of course talking to people who were born in the 70's and 80's.

Anyone remember Buck Rogers? Buck Rogers in the 21st century to give it it's full title? It's the 21st century now! Of course it was set in 2400 or something but still impressive I feel.

I would have written something yesterday but I felt like I was having a stroke. Very hard to come back to work after the break.

I hope it was less traumatic for all of you. I think we should get a couple of days to recover from new years eve not just one.

Pah, back into the fray.

Busy, busy , busy

2006-12-19T09:46:00.001Z

I guess everyone is right? This time of year is a little mental. Gotta move, gotta get the right gifts, get the food, get the booze. Need to sort out work before the holidays. What about a haircut? My place could do with a hoovering.

Ah bollocks to it.

No need to be worried. T'internet is the way forward. I shall be planning it next year. This year I tried to sort it early. Next year I shall sort it with technology.

So despite the fact I have too much to do, my team has shrunk due to leave, my list of things to do seems to be growing exponentially and I appear to have developed the plague (no black buboes yet but I wont be surprised if they arrive soon) I am fairly happy. I intend to meet what comes with a glass in my hand and two fingers in the air.

Merry bastard christmas God bless us every one.

To ease the passage of these dragging last few days I have turned to the eighties. I know I cursed the Stock, Aitken and Waterman stable unto the seventh generation but for cheese you just can't beat em. I need that cheese. Not just a cheddar either.

No.

I need full on camenbert, rochfort, gorgonzola even! I need it filthy and stinking and room temperature. I definitely need it with a vat of port.

With comedy stuff on cans and the attitude that it's only going to get better I don't see how I can lose. After this I am going to have some carols, maybe some cheesy xmas hits.

I figure this is pretty much my last blog of the year and even though I have nothing to say except happy christmas I felt the need to go on saying it....at length.

Ho ho ho.

Holiday Madness

2006-12-14T13:47:00.000Z

I love xmas. Pretty much everything about it.

I love the lights, the food, the giving and receiving of gifts, putting up the tree even the pony TV. It's the only time of year when i think I wonder if mary poppins is on or I hope Digby the biggest dog in the world will be on this year.

I get a bit ticked off with how corporations drag christmas about and make it cheap. They force it to whore itself in every shop window from october onwards. It makes me a bit sad.

I remember when I was so excited from December the first when I got to open the advent calendar (what the hell do they make that chocolate out of? I don't know anything that tastes like that). December used to take years to get through, each day bringing me to a new level of hysteria (but enough about last year).

It would be nice if I could get back that feeling. Being a kid around Christmas is the best. Actually waiting for Santa on Christmas eve? When you think about it nothing comes close as an adult (well there was this one girl... but that's a whole other blog weirdly enough involving stockings).

I think this year I might try to be more christmassy. I sorted my shopping early so I don't need to have the frantic worry about whether I have bought the right gift for the right person. I may need a run up but I will attempt to hit a festive high (not easy for a grumpy old grinch like myself). I will try not to tut at the piercing sounds of slade, I will not complain at the TV guide full of musicals, I will even eat sprouts (actually not that hard as I like them which is weird in itself as there was a time when I would have rather eaten dog biscuits).

I am looking forward to the break from work as it's been a pretty tough year.

On an aside wouldn't it be cool if we had a white xmas? I have seen snow on christmas day in years. Oh crap, I sound like me dad (as well as foight like me da).

All in all I am feeling pretty lucky. It's not long before I stop work. I am off delivering gifts this weekend so I get to see my nephews and family. I have finished shopping except for one last gift and how long will that take? Does that sound like famous last words to anyone else?

Roll on Christmas.

In case it all goes pearshaped and there is no more blogging, have a Merry Chrstmas and a Happy New year all. Catch you on the tail end of my hangover.

Can I pull this off?

2006-12-08T13:44:00.000Z

I have problems shopping. I am ok with this. I am a man, we are not supposed to be able to make fashion decisions. I get around my disability by talking a woman with me when I go. I try something on and ask, "Will this get me laid?". If the answer is yes I buy it.

I guess the above method is a little simplistic but it works for me. When I don't have a woman present I get a little nervous. I can usually get stuff that looks good on me but I have, on occasion, made the odd faux pas. These items live at the back of my wardrobe and mock me whenever I open it.

I can't throw them away, what if the bin man saw them? He would then know that I once thought I would look good in whatever couture of satan he finds. These bastards hang about, undermining my confidence in my own decision making.

So I went shopping the other day. I found some shirts I liked. Grabbed a quartet in small and headed into the changing room. I came out, grabbed some in medium and put the small back.

What? Like I have any idea what size I am, I have to think when someone asks me my age!

Anyway, I tried them on. One was a definite no, two were very possible but similar to shirts I already own, the last one put me in a quandry.

It was a dress shirt but looked good with jeans. I was pretty sure it would look good. My problem arose when I tried it on. I had to ask myself, "Could I pull this off?".

If I am in a Vince mood the the coolest clothes are whatever I select. When I hit a Howard low I don't think I could have carried it. Did I really want to spend my hard earned on something I could only wear when I am on the crest of the confidence wave?

Tricky business this shopping.

Oh happy day

2006-12-06T14:57:00.000Z

Just had some of the best ever news.

It doesn't matter what, just that it's the kind of news that makes you glad to be alive.

No anger today, no carping, whining, yelling, ranting or otherwise sounding off. I am going to get a decent wine and enjoy it while it lasts.

Peace and love to all.

Overthinking

2006-12-01T14:36:00.000Z

I have a real problem with this. Seriously. I will pull stuff apart in my head and use it to make myself miserable.

This is a bad thing. All that look before you leap crap is all very well but once you have leapt you shouldn't feel the need to pick apart every facet of the decision and use it to work out why you are a bad person.

Introspection can lick the sweat from my stinky bridge.

Anyway, I tend to rebound between extremes. I tend to leap on things like and excited kitten then suffer when I realise it's the iron. Burnt paws are where that sort of behaviour leads. On the other hand if you just sit about and don't make the occasional leap you will be taken to the vets and put down for being boring.

Ok, this entry has taken a turn down a dark path.I wouldn't really put a kitten down if it was boring. I'd buy it a playmate, like a rotweiler (joke!).

Anyway, I think my problem is that I worry too much. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes it's my fault. I don't deliberately screw up so maybe I need to cut myself some slack when I do.

Other people? No, fuck them. If they screw up the should burn in hell, IN HELL I TELLS YER!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah the cool breeze of moderation in action!

Long story short, I kind of envy those people who can meander through the wreckage and accept that they didn't mean it, then stop worrying about it. They actually just lay it down and forget about it! Marvellous.

Am I envying a sociopathic personality disorder? Hmm. May need to sit a spell and think that over. Somebody pass me my pipe!

Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T10:16:00.000Z

This has been mentioned on the Radio by Edith Bowman (I think?).

Anyway, she suggested and I agree that we should celebrate this holiday in England.

Wait. Hear me out. No. SHUT UP!

A couple of reasons. Wait for it.

Firstly. There are things we should be thankful for (I shall come back to this point in a bit).

Secondly. It's a great excuse to get together with family and friends, have a meal, have a drink and generally make merry.

Thirdly. We should have a national day off (one of the things I would be thankful for (see above)).

Now, when I have been carrying the words of Miss Bowman forth I have hit a bit of turbulence. Some of the people I have mentioned this to are against it!!!

WHY????????

I shall tell you.

Apparently, it's "a bloody American holiday" and why should we Brits celebrate that? God bless the queen, Land of hope and glory etc etc.

Now I don't get this point of view. If we got the day off who cares why? I like the idea of being thankful (even if it is just for having a day off), I like getting together with people I care about for a big meal or a celebration, I don't like the people who think we still have the empire.

Let it go people. The colonies are independent now. I am, not asking you to celebrate independence day, just thanksgiving. Surely you have something to be thankful for? If it upsets you so much, how about you go to work and I get the day off? Hmmm?

Miserable bastards.

Nothing to say

2006-11-21T15:27:00.000Z

It's official, I think I am empty.

I have ranted and raged about issues big and small and now I have nothing to say.

I could go on about OJ simpson and how proud I am of our colonial cousins for kicking that alledged murderer into touch.

I could talk about the money the government is putting towards training parents not to be negligent so that their ratboy kids stop being asbo scum.

I could even mention the lies we are beiong told about the cost of the olympics. "it'll be ready on time, it wont go over budget, trust us". How about if it does go over budget and isn't finished on time we get to watch a couple of builders dressed as bunny rabbits pound sand up tessa jowells arse? Or the committee led by Seb co could pay out of their own pockets.

Me? I couldn't give a shit if the olympics is held in London. I don't feel proud that it will be. I certainly don't feel I should be expected to pay a penny towards it. Let all those land of hope and glory fucks pay for it if they wanted it so badly.

Ok so it will revitalise part of the city and provide new sporting venues, brilliant. When I visit them I will pay then. Given that it's a fair way from where I live it's pretty unlikely I will travel to go to the gym isn't it.

See nothing to say.

My room 101 issue this week is me. I have been slack or rather I have been busy. I haven't had time to sit down and write an entry. I have grabbed a spare five minutes and the tosh above was all I could come up with.

I guess I do have one thing. As a person who will give an opinion on subjects I am not an expert in I am totally happy with people who do the same. However, It's not cool for someone who doesn't know what they are talking about to decide an issue.

My example is this. You are a bricklayer. You know how to lay those bricks so the wall stays up, right? Now suppose the site owner puts pressure on the foreman for you to lay bricks in a fashion that you know will cause trouble in the future. Big trouble. I am talking a little old lady and her dog mashed flat by a falling wall.

What do you do? You know best in this case. You are the expert with years of industry experience. The site owner is, and lets be totally fair to him, a git. He is so far out of his depth in this discussion I have to adjust my conversation and explanations as I keep over shooting. The problem is he is in a position of power and the foreman is not preventing him from causing this catastrophe.

What do you do? You are not in a position to refuse a direct instruction yet if you go ahead you will be complicit. I guess you just have to explain that if this is done it is done against your direct advice and the site owner will have to take responsibility for the damage caused. The only problem is once it's all screwed up they come to the bricklayer to rebuild the wall.

The idiot, sorry did I say idiot? I meant of course fucking idiot, will take no responsibility or suffer any consequences from the damage that they cause that will filter down again onto the shoulders of the brick layer.

Boy oh boy, I'd hate to be in his shoes!

Public Toilets

2006-11-14T15:49:00.000Z

Here we go. Back to basics. The stuff that bugs me.

It's not the toilets I hate, lets be clear on that. It's some of the people that use them.

For a start some mens toilets smell like the monkey house at the zoo. This is usually due to a combination of not enough cleaning and pikey scum. Now I am not having a go at travellers or romany types (though david essex is on my list). I am using the term pikey scum to refer to people who piss like meercats marking their territory.

It makes no sense. Even if you are filthy enough to not care that other people will be where you have marked the floor you may want to use the facilities again sometime.

As far as I am concerned they should have their noses rubbed in it...and possibly be hit over the nose with a newspaper (or a shovel). I try not to use public toilets but if I have to then I want something pristine, or at least not like the seventh circle of hell.

Near where I live the McDonalds always has a decent toilet. It makes me happy to go for a McShit. (NB a McShit can be defined as going into a fast food resturant just to take a dump. You must not order any food or give them any custom whatsoever. If you are challenged promise to get something on the way out then just leave (known as a McShit with lies), what are they going to do? As working in McDonalds is the job you get if you fuck up in school the people in there probably wont be the most motivated to harrass you.).

So people I am making a pleading request that if you do see someone soiling our environment rub their noses in it.

It will make the world a better place!

Getting Tantric

2006-11-13T13:55:00.000Z

Feeling very chilled as I just got back from Yoga.

I have had a few comments about the fact that I do yoga.

Some people think I do it so I can watch girls stretch and bend over. This would be a nice bonus but when you are trying to do a shoulder stand with your legs open it becomes less of a priority than not snapping my own head off.

It has been suggested that it's a little bit effeminate to that I just have to say try it. I work out pretty regularly and still can't do some of the forms. It's not an easy thing to do.

I find it helps me with a lot of things. My health, my fitness, my flexibility, my need to kill and maim, my concentration etc, etc. I have a session then I am set for the afternoon. I'm so pleased with the effects that I am doing a second class during the week. Some kind of cross between yoga and pilates.

Sounds lovely and fluffy doesn't it? Yogalates. I am betting it will hurt and make me look like the unfit lazy dog that I am.

Anyway, the whole yoga things helps me stay centered and helps my patience when I have to deal with fools. I expect in a couple of weeks I will so enlightened that I will stop cuffing people and telling them to mend their ways.

Not sure where I am going with this. Just wanted to point out that I am chilled and happy.

How to learn a lesson.

2006-11-09T16:07:00.000Z

A news story came to my attention. A 22 year old male in Sunderland "suffered a scorched colon" when he tried to lauch a firework from his anus.

"Douglas McDougal, from the NEAS, said: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding.

"He sustained fairly significant injuries in the fact that there's huge damage to that particular area." "

Can you say idiot? I think we were witnessing darwinism in action although he needs to try harder. Perhaps his name could be given out so that any girl who may end up marrying this fool doesn't breed idiot kids.

This is the way to learn. I bet he never tries to lauch a firework from his arse again. I would have said that particular lesson should be obvious without the try it and see thing. Maybe he needs to be told that he should douse himself in petrol and light it.

Just in case. Ouch I bet that smarts. No curry for a while eh?

Some people might say that we shouldn't laugh.

Not me.

We need to heap ridicule on this fool. There should be signs around his house. When he goes out there should be a marching band that follows him playing march of the idiots. If anything needs to be emphasised it's how stupid it is to put explosives in your arse and light them.

Who want's to sneak into this dicks hospital room and write saltwater enema on his patient notes?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wear/6132140.stm

Bloody Hell

2006-11-07T13:51:00.000Z

I have been trawling the internet recently and checking out some of the blogs that abound.

I have realised that there are people out there that I have absolutely nothing in common with, that I am pround to not be like.

In fact it's actually scary to think that some of them actually hold these views. Not having a joke. Not being ironic. They actually and truely believe what they are saying.

I know I bang on about stuff that irritates me but I have never felt that an entire people should be wiped from the map or that we should round up immigrants and send them packing. I even support the right of individuals to be as religious as they like (and those who read this blog regularly will know how I feel about religion).

For all my own prejudices I have never once thought that my way was the only way that should be allowed. I have never wanted to force my beliefs on others or felt that there should be a law that made dissention a crime.

I can only hope that although there seem to be a lot of extremists on the web the majority of people just want to live their own lives without interference because if what I read was a representative sample then we as a species are seriously fucked.

It's bad enough that "some" people believe that whole races should be wiped from the map. I can only hope this isn't a common view.

Take a look at yourself now. What do you believe? Do you hate? Why? How do you feel about Muslims if you are a Christian? Or vise versa? How do you feel about the religious if you are an athiest?

Why should anyone have the right to tell me I am evil or morally wrong or the wrong colour? Why should anyone have the law given right to arrest me for something I say? Whatever that may be. As long as I am not hurting anyone else or damaging their property I should have the right to freedom of expression. If I choose to draw a picture of mohammed or make a rude limerick about Jesus or even laugh at a political figure should I be punished?

Decide what rights you want for yourself. Think about how you would feel if others tried to deny you these rights. Now apply that to others. They have the same right to freedom of expression, to freedom from persecution as you do.

Bastard. I hate getting serious. This shit shouldn't have to be stated.

I have come as close to deleting this post as I ever have any other. This blog isn't about the world it's about my world. It's about things that annoy or amuse me (sometimes both). It's also about the therapy. I suppose the above could be something I need to rant about but it seems too big. I like to go on about smaller stuff like why the hell when you are trying to be suave do bras seem padlocked shut?

Seriously, do they make more secure versions for girls that date me? I used to have a move like clicking my fingers and I could do it one handed. What in the name of Jesus' asshole is going on?

Pyromaniacs Dream

2006-11-06T15:58:00.000Z

Went to the firework display. As usual it was absolutely amazing. They send up rockets that you aren't even allowed to possess without a special licence!

One thing that really ticks me off is that they still sell fireworks to every sovereign wearing mouth breather who can spare a few quid from their giro.

I appreciate that the majority of people who buy fireworks use them safely in the garden and have a nice time but there are a few who let them off all hours of the night. The police are doing their best but if you sell what are effectively exploding projectiles to the hard of thinking there are going to be problems.

On the bright side each year some of these dumb fucks blow a few fingers off and hopefully learn a valuable lesson. You can't put a price on education I always say!

It was a pretty cool night all in all. Xmas is looming ever closer. This year I am determined to get the majority of my shopping done early so that I can swan about on xmas eve with the calm smug look of the together. Other people can look panicked and flap about. I will be the one merrily propping up the bar.

It's safer for everyone.

Et tu Brute

2006-11-03T15:04:00.000Z

It's been one hell of a week. Betrayal, intrigue, cooking and some pretty nifty purchases on the booze front.

Anyway I am glad it's over. I have worked hard and now it's time to play hard (or at least go and see the fireworks and perhaps bend my arm a little).

I got a bit over excited and bought myself a bottle of single malt whisky (Aberlour if you must know). You see, last weekend I was out on the pi... er having a drink with an old friend. She and I wandered about between pub and wagamommas then back to pub (and then onto another pub). Had a few drinks, bumped into a few people then headed back to hers where another friend had got back from London.

He very generously (as I know now) poured us both some whisky. This stuff, The Macallan it was called, gave me a real taste for whisky. I have always hated the taste but I think that is mostly from early experimentation with inferior brands. The Macallan went down like a £3000 a night French hooker and created a pleasant warming sensation. Rather than the stuff I have tried before which went down like drinking burning sulphur and made me gag.

So anyway I decided I should experiment with the water of life. As I was choosing a few wines (and I got a cheeky dessert wine for only £3.99! Half price! I could hardly believe my luck) I nipped and had a chat with the wine and port guy who has also been known to take a nip of whisky and asked his opinion.

So, I am stocked for a while now. PLUS!!!! It's the fireworks Saturday. I will nip off to a display and maybe come back and have a warming whisky OR, it could be and excuse to get the hip flask out again!

So although it's been a tough week all will be well. You know what they say, when life gives you lemons.... squirt it into some bastards eye and go have a beer.

I think it could be a fun weekend. Have a good one all!

Is Halloween too scary?

2006-11-01T14:00:00.000Z

The following is lifted from http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6099008.stm

I felt it was important to give this guy his full say. My comments follow underneath.

"The sinister side of Halloween is being exploited, says one leading church figure, when it could celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Can Halloween go cuddly?

Halloween, Fright Night, All Hallow's Eve. Call it what you will, but it's supposed to be scary... right?

Not according to one cleric, who wants people to come away from Halloween's darker side.

The Rt Rev David Gillett, the Bishop of Bolton, says the "more horrific" of masks prove too scary for many children. With the Mothers' Union - a Christian parenting group - Bishop Gillett is backing a campaign called Halloween Choice to promote the lighter side of the festival.

Child going to trick or treat
A time to have fun?
"The emphasis has become so evil and scary, I've spoken to children and adults who find it too scary," he says.

Bishop Gillett wants a shift away from horror character masks, like Hannibal Lecter, towards the Christian celebration of good over evil. And, he wants an end to the trick or treating-style harassment that brings out extra police patrols and can be a nuisance to some.

Costumes could have a brighter side, he says, and home-made outfits would let people set their own fear factor. Shops could stock up on hair braids, bright balloons, face paints and glow tubes, instead of fake blood and evil eyes.

"Why not lighter costumes? Brighter colours?" he asks. "Face masks that people could paint themselves in a way that sets their own level of spookiness?

"It's not to do with the occult, or asking supermarkets to stop what they are doing. It's saying when children are in a supermarket and asking 'Get me something for a Halloween outfit', they can buy something other than the horrific choices.

Creepy cash

Party-wise, churches have begun to organise alternative events for children around Halloween - parties with songs, games, quizzes and stories. But Halloween's creepy roots stretch way back, to the Celtic feast of Samhain as well as All Hallow's Eve, and in the last few years, selling scariness has been highly lucrative for supermarkets.

Children in Halloween costumes
Is cute Halloween the way forward?
UK spending on Halloween will top £120m this year, says Bryan Roberts from industry analysts Planet Retail. This compares with £12m five years ago. The pumpkin market alone is worth £25m. It is the third most profitable seasonal push in supermarkets after Christmas and Easter, with whole aisles turned over to pumpkin costumes, witches hats and the like.

The make-you-jump thrill is, surely, part of the attraction. Would children trade all this dressing up and trick or treating for a "nice" Halloween?

Halloween chocolates
Or too much commercialism?
At outlets like Angels Fancy Dress, in London, it is standing room only at peak shopping time as workers take their lunch not with a knife and fork but complete with a devil's trident.

But Halloween is not all about "hell and horror", says owner Emma Angel. The choice, to which Bishop Gillett refers, exists already.

Alongside its vampire teeth, scream-style masks and sinister clown outfits, Angels has sold Ghostbusters gear, banana costumes, "mad" doctor's scrubs, and, for children, a pink candy witch. Hardly spine-chilling.

We are already in touch with Halloween's brighter side, she says.

"It's just a great fun time of year for people to dress up, adults and children. Ghostbusters outfits are fun, not evil.

"People don't come in and say, 'I want to be Satan in disguise' or 'I really want to scare people'. They just want to put a pair of vampire's teeth in a funny way." "

Now follows the comments by P1P

TWAT.

Covered in Beeeeez

2006-10-31T11:37:00.000Z

Busy? Don't talk to me about busy!

We are struggling to cope. At least it makes the day go quicker.

I have taken up the yoga as I said a bit back. This has had an effect on me a bit. I meander out from yoga as mellow and happy as a stoner in an amsterdam coffee shop who has just heard the cry the hash cakes are on me! Seriously, I was soooo chilled yesterday. I had a dopey smile on my face for most of the afternoon.

Good job too or I'd have something to say about on line gambling. Huge profits to be made. I saw on TV this morning they got some woman in to talk about how she got herslef into serious debt doing it. "there were no warnings on the site" she bleated piteously. Apparently she wants the sites to say, "hold on you are losing rather a lot maybe you should stop".

Perhaps the daft bitch should just not blow large amounts of cash on gambling if she can't afford it? How much nanny state should there be? Tax the gambling yes. Regulate it so it's a straight game, fair enough. Don't expect them to cut the losers off. I also don't want to hear about how they shouldn't have to pay as the website got them gambling.

Who did? I think it was you not the website that handed out your card details. No one made you. Here's a thought! Perhaps there could be an idiots bank account that only allows you to draw x amount of money a week? Would that make you happy, you fucking idiot?

Gah! Why must we deal with these fools? Addiction my sainted shitter.

Anyway as I did do yoga I will just let it go.

Peace.

The calm before the storm?

2006-10-24T08:18:00.000Z

It seems after 100 posts I have calmed down a bit. I was always yelling "and another thing" before hitting levels of incandescent rage at something some government puke did. Now I don't seem to have as much rage.

Perhaps I have been reading too much about the crap that governments get up to and have become inured. The end result seems to be that I have been neglecting my blog. After all once you are no longer nuts you don't employ a psychiatrist eh?

Damn it! There must be more stuff for me to waffle aimlessly at. I have included one or two posts which didn't go on about how politicians or fundmantalists were a pain in the ass. Maybe I could go that way?

The only problem is that I think that if something isn't bursting forth, if it isn't contained only with effort it may not be worth saying! I don't want to write for the hell of it. I like it when I get to my computer and I can't type fast enough. When I have to keep pausing to shake my fists at the sky and howl with rage. It seems a bit luke warm for me sit and think then type something like, "It really bothers me when people park outside my flats at night with their car radio blaring".

Actually... Motherfuckers. That really pisses me off. I need to stockpile bricks on my balcony so I can bounce them off the roof or bonnet of their car as a hint that I'd like them to turn their music down a smidge. Or I could pop downstairs and write shhhh on their bonnet with a hammer. Bastards.

Aaaaargh and there is this guy up the road who has a car horn like the general lee from the dukes of hazards. Every morning about eight he plays it twice. Presumably to summon the other members of care in the community to the sunshine center. Now I am up at that time but after a couple of years I am rapidly reaching the point of getting up earlier and lying in wait for this guy. I can see the headlines now. Man found dead, stupid music car horn shoved up arse.

Lack of consideration for others really bugs me. People who have to play their shitty music at ear shattering volume. The police can now confiscate their stereos if complaints are made but I don't think that goes far enough. They should also confiscate their index finger so they can't press the on switch. Fair?

Now, as you know I am a pretty liberal guy. People should be allowed to do what they like as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I guess I should be more relaxed about music during the day. Providing it doesn't actually vibrate stuff off my table. At night though these people should be hunted like vermin.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. Still a little anger left.

Starsky and Hutch

2006-10-18T09:12:00.000Z

Been a few days since I have made an entry.

I was busy ok? What are you? My mother?

Anyway, I had an exam to go to Monday. One of the dreaded Microsoft ones so I did a little work beforehand to make sure I was up to scratch and the night before I had a few pints to make sure I was calm and got a good nights sleep.

Actually reel back a bit. I had been working on this for a bit but the weekend is mine. I got some beer, some wine and a friend to watch DVDs with. Nice and relaxing. Actually the sparkling chardonnay from my local supermarket is pretty good.

While we are on the subject if you get the chance to try the sparkling Pinot grigio crack on. Not bad as a champers substitute.

Well, I decided to make nachos. Bought some tortilla chips, some guac, some sour cream, cheese, chillies etc. Knocked up my own salsa. I like hot spicy food so I wasn't shy with the chilli. It was all going swimmingly, had a few beers. Made the dish. Tried a bite and it seemed like I had tried drinking molten lead.

My oesophagus went into some sort of spasm and I ended up with seriously unfunny hiccoughs. The sort of hiccoughs that wrench your entire body.

It was at this point that I remembered this gem

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez
/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=3395000&dopt=Citation

This is from the IgNobel awards, the title was "Termination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage."

Basically, if you have hiccoughs and you can't stop, a finger up the arse will cure you!

Now I am all one for medical research but how the hell did they first discover this? I take it somebody had a bad case and was willing to try anything. Imagine the scene at a Harley street clinic.

"Please Doc (hic), I have been hiccouging (hic) for 15 years. (hic) I get no more than 3 seconds sleep at (hic) once. I am going (hic) Insane. HELP ME!"

"Well Mr Johnson, we have tried everything that medical scince has to offer but I have an idea. They laughed at me at med school and called me mad. MAD I TELL YOU! WHua ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa"

"Anything, I (hic) am desperate"

"Ok turn around and drop trou"

(Turning and dropping his trouser and underpants) "Why am I (hic) taking my trousers down?"

"Just bend over. This may be a little uncomfortable"

"(hic) Why would it be (hic) uncomfortable what are you going to dooooooooooooooooooooh"

"Better?"

"It seems to have stopped. Thank you doc you are my hero. You have literally saved my life. I couldn't go on like that another day".

"you are very welcome Mr Johnson. I will finally get the recognition I deserve. Those fools will laugh on the other side of their faces!"

"Doc?"

"Yes Mr Johnson?"

"Could you take your finger out of my arse now please?"

All this flashed through my mind. Was it time to see if my friend was a good a friend as I thought? No of course not. Nobody is that good a friend. Proctologists are odd people. They have selected a discipline which involves a lot of time slaving over a hot anus. They are the only people who would willingly go for this.

I just had a glass of milk. Sorted me right out.

Anyway. We headed to the exam and due to oversights in the preparation end of things we ended up getting to the exam in the last few possible seconds. This meant practically abandoning the car and leaping into our seats. We got there and started immediately. No time for worries or second thoughts.

Long story short (hah!) I passed. I still have more to go but that always seems to be the way.

As I read back over this I realise that although I started with the intention of talking about the exam I seem to have done most of it on hiccough cures. Does the blogger choose the subject or the subject choose the blogger. Deep huh?

100 Posts old today!

2006-10-11T12:11:00.000Z

That time already! This is my 100th post!

I have decided not to use it to say anything laudable or witty or even interesting. I have decided to use this post simply to display my amazement that I have kept this up for one hundred posts!

Who knew? Even I thought I'd be bored within about twenty or so. Apparently I have issues. It's definitely therapeutic to vent all of this stuff and sometimes it's even made me laugh.

Manimal

2006-10-11T11:45:00.000Z

Anyone remember Manimal? What about Automan? Street Hawk?

I seem to remember watching this stuff when I was a kid and enjoying it. Did I have no taste back then? Was it cancelled as it was not good?

I still occasionally see some A Team and I have to say it's not as exciting as it used to be. In fact it's kind of pony.

As for the kids programs that are on TV at the moment? It's like Morning torture.

Probably good for parents. Get the kids to watch TV so you can get a decent lie in.

For me I am starting to get a bit narked at having to pay for a TV licence for the three programs a week I actually watch. Most of the stuff on TV is drivel. I don't like soaps or anything like x factor, big brother etc. The BBC is letting us down and charging us a lot.

Maybe we do need some sort of pay per view thing rather than a TV licence.

Also I am fed up of geting threats.

'If you don't have a TV licence we will know and we'll be round to kill your entire family'

Tossers. They are spending cash from the TV licence to threaten us into getting on while producing programs that rarely rise above wank.

Bah!

Nanny State

2006-10-10T10:27:00.000Z

Why oh why can't I stay away from political hot potatoes such as this?

I try to keep my blog all about the rage. Ok I suppose it does get on my pecs a bit.

The issue that is annoying me is the namby pamby approach taken by governments to tackle obesity. Blair fretting about being thought of as trying to create a nanny state.

We need some sort of structure. Total freedom is anarchy. I quite like the idea that people are not allowed to sell booze and knives to children. I like the idea that eyebrows are raised if someone buys several tons of fertilizer that can be used to make a bomb.

Don't get me wrong I feel the government is wrong in a lot of ways. The libertine side of me wants the right to do whatever I want providing it doesn't hurt anyone else. I have never seen the point of the drug laws for instance.

Oh I know,"you need to see the misery that drugs cause" blah blah. I have seen the misery that alcohol causes but that isn't dealt with. People die of cancer but cigarettes aren't banned. I think a lot of the problem is the legality. Decriminalise drugs, sell them through governement approved chains and tax them. Use the taxes to treat the damage caused.

I think this would have several effects. It would remove dealers from the streets. The government could make unlicenced dealing a serious crime, they could also undercut them and remove the profit and therefore the reason to deal.

This would remove profits from criminal organisations and force them to turn to other avenues or go legit. Once the drugs were government controlled they could be standardised. Avoid the OD's, clean needles to help halt the spread of aids.

I also think prostitution should be legalised and regulated too. As much to protect the sex workers as the public. In fact why not have designated pleasure areas in cities? The red light district in amsterdam could be a model. Or base it on the willow world of feudal japan. A designated area that could be policed,regulated and best of all taxed.

Adults could make the decision to take drugs or visit a prostitute (male or female) or go to church or drink tea blah blah. Perhaps it would bring in enough revenue to pay for treatment for addicts, the extra police officers to keep the area safe. Perhaps it would make the residential areas safer by keeping the majority of this behaviour in one place. Perhaps it would cut the spread of STDs. Maybe it would cut revenue to gangs. Perhaps it's a better idea than the war on drugs and the sex slave trade?

Let's face it the government aren't coping as it is and the police have better things to do than nick people for a bit of personal or for having sex.

Weirdly enough the whole reason I started this was to talk about the obesity problem. Blair talked about avoiding becoming a nanny state telling people what they can and can't eat. Ok fair enough. If you are an adult and you want to eat McDonalds every meal, fine. Just done come crying to me when your arsehole falls out. You are an adult you can make that choice. I think we should tax the fast food industry like we tax other harmful things(tobacco, alcohol etc).

Perhaps the NHS shouldn't be totally free. There should be discounts if you go to the gym and eat healthily (and there are ways to tell). We don't have health care at the moment we have sick care. Wouldn't it be better to work on prevention? If you treat your body like crap, smoking, drinking, eating rubbish then shouldn't you pay more for the larger slice of NHS funds you take? You should pay more than the person who watches what they eat, takes moderate exercise and doesn't cost the country (and in effect each and every tax payer) money to repair.

Ok, back to the subject. A while back the Jamie's school dinners came out and finally schools started listening and stopped giving kids food that was actually harmful. Food has a big effect on kids. Get them eating right and certain behavioural problems disappear. Attention spans that are effected by sugary rubbish like soft drinks can be regained. You don't need to medicate children for ADHD until you are sure they actually have it rather than having a piss poor diet that contains too much sugar (and even then I feel that medication should be a last resort for kids).

The point was that as schools act in loco parentis (apologies if that is misspelled my latin isn't great) then they have a responsibility to ensure that the child not only performs and behaves in an acceptable way but for the childs health while at school. I would say this means making sure they eat sensibly.

Children are the responisibilty of someone until they become adults. Of their parents most of the time but of their teachers when they are at school. Feeding a child badly is just as much child abuse as denying them sleep or giving them alcohol. If you have a kid you are responsible for their well being. Ignorance is no excuse. If you have a kid you ought to know that eating fast food regularly has a detrimental effect. If you don't want the responsibility don't have a kid. In the words of kanye west eighteen years man.

Admittedly this is fairly new information. Ten years ago people laughed at the fitness freaks but now it's common knowledge (I could bring up the parallel situation of global warming but I'd like this blog to end sometime today). There is a lot of television dealing with this issue. It's political big news.

This is why I was so pissed off when I saw on the news that a group of parents were taking chips and fast food to the school fence at lunch times and passing it over to their kids as the school had banned shitty food.

I can picture it now. Come lunch time they would waddle up to the school fence huffing and puffing. Chins quivering in indignation that their kids were being forced to eat healthily. They would pass handfuls of greasy crap to their pasty unhealthy looking brats. Who would then gobble it up to hit that lard/sugar high.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Surely the head should be tackling this? I would certainly be taking issue with adults handing food items over a school fence. How do you know they are all parents? Shouldn't s/he be keeping the kids away from the fence?

Also the school had bravely omitted the shit from their school menus. The parents could mistreat their children with all the trans fat they liked at home and on weekends but you would think that they would give enough of a fuck about their spawn to see that they had one meal a day that wouldn't put them at risk of being a blob by the time they are thirteen. Nope these people wanted a splat off the old block of lard.

Adults buying booze for kids are arrested. Adults giving kids food that is detrimental to their health are simply being parents. Can a parent give their kid booze with impunity? How about cigarettes? Does anyone else find this wrong?

It's bad ju ju man. You have to have a licence to own a dog but any cro magnon motherfucker can drag themselves from the shallow end of the genepool and impregnate some wench drunk on lambrini.

We are going in the wrong direction. We don't need a nanny state we need responsibility to be pushed onto people (it'd be better if they took it themselves). You eat McDonalds every day, smoke two packs of fags, drink a bottle of whisky and sit on your ever spreading arse then you should be charged when you have to go to the hospital. Why should people who spend time looking after themselves pay for your bypass?

People need to have the right to choose when it comes to their own health but the rest of us shouldn't suffer for their poor judgement. Their children shouldn't suffer either. What chance have they got if the role model is worthless?

I guess we just have to hope there are more people who actually care than don't. Let's face it, if you do your kid has a better chance.

Pick a nick basket

2006-10-09T14:22:00.000Z

In my quest for personal harmony and in the interests of my not flipping out and killing everyone within a mile of me I have taken steps to keep my karma ticking over nicely.

I have taken up yoga again. Instead of trying to thrash the anger out of me by just going to the gym or swimming or climbing I am now also trying to calm myself through being mystical (or some such shit).

Anyway, I had my first session today. I strolled in and realised I was the only chap there!

This was slightly unnerving, like I had strolled into one of those women only conversations. You know, when they all stop talking and look at you waiting for you to be out of earshot? I ended up asking if it was women only but was assured that men were welcome. Everyone was nice but I still felt like a bit of an intruder.

Anyone who has done yoga will know that there is a lot of relaxing involved. This in combination with compression of the midsection causes people to fart. Now I try to be adult about this sort of thing but on occasion it can cause me to get the giggles. Something to look forward to eh?

I am hoping that the girls on the class wont feel constrained to hold it all in because there is now a lad in the room. We all know how you women (some of you anyway) pretend you don't fart when chaps are around. I really don't want to be the cause of some sort of methane based muscle strain. Nor do I wish to see a lot of faces straining against the inevitable (I feel that this would make me laugh).

Perhaps it's all in my head. Let's hope so eh?

I kept up pretty well though some of the contortions were a little tricky for me. Some of them were seriously unladylike. There were times when I didn't know where to look!

Guilty conscience I guess. I wasn't checking anyone out. No really. Honestly! When I work out or do a class I tend to focus on what I am doing. More so when I am the only chap in the room. Best to keep my mind on the task and my eyes averted. I guess it's the kind of guilt you get when you talk to a copper or teacher at school. You know you haven't done anything wrong but there is always that bit of guilt.

So apart from the odd thoughts about how I fit into the class I was seriously mellowed out by the time the class concluded. This lasted about twelve seconds after I got back to work. From mellow to anger in twelve seconds!

Back to the gym tomorrow. Demons Out-tah!

Lifes a bitch

2006-10-05T14:57:00.000Z

This is referring to the case of the Muslim officer who was taken off duty in front of the Israeli embassy because he felt,"uncomfortable and unsafe".

I am sure this is an issue on which everyone has an opinion.

"The Association of Muslim Police Officers said it was a "welfare issue" not a political one - with the officer having a Syrian father and a Lebanese wife."

I have a big problem with this for a number of reasons.

Firstly, why the hell is there an association of muslim police officers? Surely there should just be the association of police officers who looks after all coppers. No christian police, no muslim police, just police. You all know how I feel about this crap.

Secondly, how does excusing him from his duty for reasons of his welfare make it any better than if he had moral objections. Either he is policeman or he isn't. Either he does his duty or he doesn't. Yes there is danger in being a copper but does that mean we should pick and choose the policeman for the duty? Should black police not be sent to BNP rallys in case they are in danger? Should only Muslim police investigate Muslim crimes?

To me a police officer is a police officer. It doesn't matter if they are black or white, male or female, straight of gay, you respect the uniform not the person within it.

I always had a perhaps naive view of the police. They do their duty without letting their personal beliefs or fears affect them. I trusted them to protect us without fear or favour and now we learn that this does not happen.

Whatever the Association of Muslim Police Officers says he did not do his duty. He is meant to be a member of Scotland Yard's Diplomatic Protection Group, would you trust him now? they are meant to protect whoever they are told to without personal feelings coming in to it. If they can't there are other jobs where you are allowed to pick and choose. Jobs where the safety of others may not rely on your impartiality

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5410094.stm

National Poetry Day

2006-10-05T10:58:00.000Z

Believe it or not. There is a day for everything these days! Ok, so I thought I had better come up with some culture here or be accused of just doing knob gags and rage. I think the poem that helps me most contain the white hot anger that threatens to spew forth at any second and kill everyone within a three mile radius is appropriate.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Ok, I see the irony.

Finish each day and be done with it.

2006-10-02T15:03:00.000Z

I'm a slacker. I don't apologise for it or ask for special treatment.

This is something I have accepted. I am by no means lazy I just prefer my time and energy to go into things I enjoy. I work because it funds the more fun stuff I wish to do and the essential stuff that I need. I try to do a good job as it's not really in me to do otherwise. However this doesn't change the basic fact that I work to live, not the other way around.

I have never understood people who win the lottery and kept their old job, the money is wasted on these people. Perhaps I am being a little unfair. I assume people who are potters may keep their job as they love it.

I like my job but at the end of the day I am a corporate whore. I sell my skills for money. If I had the cash I would not work, I'd just do the things that make me happy.
If I had the cash I would 'while away the hours' etc.

Since I haven't been the one in 14 million who won the lottery and my needs still outstrip my income I have to stick my shoulder to the wheel occasionally. I find this depressing as it takes something that I like and makes it a chore.

This is the reason I do not wish to become a chef. I'd lose my love of cooking. It'd take something that delights me and make it into something forced. Bugger that!

Anyway the reason I began this meandering slightly peculiar mind dump was to say that I have just got a lot of stuff that needed doing done. I have tackled some things that were hanging about while I procrastinated.

This pleases me. If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly. Shakespeare was bang on the money. So despite my distaste for certain tasks I have got on with them and moved them out of my road.

Feeling smug.

You have to love an Ozzie

2006-09-29T13:01:00.000Z

http://www.wirecrack.com/media/1154356803/Anti-gay_Protester_Gets_Hit_On

The protesters were pretty funny before the Austrailian guy started mocking them. Check out the placards. Apparently they are anti gay but one woman who's idea of repartee is to repeat 'have a nice day pervert' had 'God hates cripple soldiers' written on hers.

Was she at the wrong protest? What does this sign mean? What does she have against disabled soldiers? Perhaps she is picking on a weaker target? After all it's probably not a good idea to threaten a navy seal with combat stress!

I love the way that the guy runs to his wife for protection. Mind you I suspect her of being a man anyway.

It's weird, I dislike these people for their views but at the same time I am really amused by them. There should be a bigots roadshow. I could listen to these guys for hours. Set up a bar, some snacks and watch these guys make fools of themselves, now that is entertainment.

It's Friday, by thor, time for all right minded people to kick back with a cold one and forget about that workaday stress. I have a nice weekend planned and quite frankly these last few hours of work are right in the way.

Laters

Son of a Bitch Part Deux

2006-09-26T11:33:00.002Z

Got my cards back.

Chappie found them ditched on the floor of the place where I lost it. I figure that I dropped it and some kids ditched the contents and kept the wallet. Anyway I went and collected my cards.

Slipped the geezer some cash as it was a pretty decent thing he did. He tracked me down when he could have just ignored the cards. I consider that to be behaviour worthy of reinforcement. I would have stood the guy a few pints but I had to get back to work so I thought he'd understand if I gave him cash so he could have some beers on me.

Still pissed off with myself but it's not the end of the world. Definitely a lesson to be learned there.

I tried to make my friend a birthday cake last night. Didn't work out. Looks like a bowl. Smells amazing and tastes pretty good but didn't rise properly. I think I know what I did wrong though, so I will have a another go at it tonight. I am not blowing my own trumpet (if only eh?) but I generally tend to have things that I cook or bake come out correctly so I was pretty surprised when this went so badly.

Going to be off for a couple of days as I have stuff to take care of. Not in a mafia, double tap some bloke kind of way but in a things to do people to see way.

This week is turning out to be a bit of a roller coaster.

Son of a Bitch

2006-09-26T08:28:00.000Z

I lost my damn wallet last night.

Had it on my knee in the car went shopping for a bit then it was gone. I figured I dropped it and somebody picked it up. It's not the inconvenience that it could have been as I recently got a new wallet and had only transferred my cards to it.

Obviously I cancelled my cards immediately. All the sentimental irreplaceable stuff was still in my old wallet, although I am a little pissed off that my new wallet is gone as I selected it carefully as a replacement.

I should have some new cards soon and a friend gave me some cash to be going on with but I am......

Holy crap. I have just had a call. Some guy found my wallet and called me to give it back. I need to go collect it tonight.

Just when I was cursing everyone and thinking that all people were thieving scum some bloke does a really good deed.

All is right with the world.

Gobsmacked

2006-09-25T12:30:00.000Z

I had a bit of a moment Friday evening.

While wandering out of work to meet a friend I got caught in a bit of weather. Now I talk of it being a bit of weather in the same way I'd talk of the notting hill carnival as being a bit crowded.

Basically it was pissing down.

I sensibly took shelter and waited it out. As luck would have it the rain had started to tail off when I got a call to say my friend was where we had arranged to meet. I grabbed my stuff and headed out.

Halfway there the sun came out. It was still raining a bit but the sunshine was brilliant, like a summers day. I was strolling by some trees when I literally gasped at how beautiful everything was. The sun was reflecting through the rain, scattering light. There was that clean, fresh smell you get after a torrential downpour. The sunshine was strong enough to warm my face. I found myself grinning like a fool.

The other thing that made it such an arresting experience was how ephemeral it was. I was walking and suddenly it was like someone had opened a door to another place. I took maybe three steps and it was over.

A case of being in the right place at the right time and lucky enough to catch the show.

I'd like to introduce you to my purple headed monkey

2006-09-22T10:50:00.000Z

Ok, I know it's low brow and purile but it makes me laugh.

Don't get all high and mighty now. I am sure you all laugh at the occasional knob joke and that farts make you giggle.

It just amuses me to be able to say 'I'd like to show you my purple headed monkey'.

Oh come on! That's good stuff!

Anyway, as I head rapidly towards my 100th post and it seems that this blogging malarky isn't some flash in the pan fad that I have taken up, I have decided to start making my Blog a bit more interesting.

I have no qualms about nicking ideas from others so adopting a creature seemed like a nice idea. Of course I may decide otherwise in the future and have to do the virtual equivalent of taking him out back and letting light through him.

Until that day please feel free to make up your own knob jokes.

It's Friday by all that's holy,let's get pished!

Split personality and public relations

2006-09-21T13:36:00.000Z

When you provide a service for people you frequently need to keep a tight rein on your mouth. You need to do this more so in a position where you deal with an external client but even when you are in a support role internally you cannot just let loose.

This is not always as easy as it seems.

Do any job long enough and someone will do something so asinine, incredibly stupid that not only is keeping your cool tricky but you have to restrain yourself from actually squeezing the life from them.

It's at this point that you should stop. Remember that everything works along a probability curve. Sooner or later you are going to hit the crazy end of it. The low probability tip of the bell curve. Too many standard deviations from the mean. Sooner or later everyone will score a direct hit on the unlikely end of the curve.

Working with people is hard. You either turn into one of those officious bitter people (think British Rail) or you will mellow into an almost zen state. Buddha wasn't a god, he just used to work in customer service for AOL.

With me it's still touch and go. Some days I float though my job like a cross between a Warrior monk and the fonze. My outlook is calm and I am at peace. No problem is too big or too small for the wisdom I have attained. There is, in fact, no spoon.

Other days? Well they are not as good. When I have to deal with the person who filled their laptop up with a mixture of heavily sugared coffee and yoghurt and yet is still trying to tell me how it's my fault there most certainly is a fucking spoon and that spoon is sharpened into a prison shank.

So far all I have learned to do is fake it. My face looks as calm and helpful in either state. the only difference is that in the second state my eyes seem to be screaming and when I get somewhere private I curl into a ball and whimper while I suck my thumb.

When faced with the hard of thinking hold on to that mask, keep all sharp items out of reach, smile. The alternative just leads to your neighbours on the news saying things like, "He always kept himself to himself", or, "He was always so quiet".

One day I am going to write a survival guide to dealing with people.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yer scurvy dogs!

2006-09-19T10:46:00.000Z

Although I hate to interrupt the pure flow of topical thought that is this blog I feel I should pass on the news that today is International Talk like a pirate day.

Not that this is something I knew before about 20 minutes ago, although I do have a vague recollection of some drunken conversation that took place somewhere. Anyway I know now thanks to a timely reminder.

So you scurvy bunch of bloganeers, ye had all better be talkin the talk before I keelhaul the lot of yer. Arrrrrrr etc.

Come to think of it it's a pretty weird thing to do (Ah-haaaaaaaaar dubloons)why not have a talk like a French viscount day? Or talk like Freud day? Oh wow, how about talk like top cat day (cutlass, cutlass, mainbrace etc).

I could get on board with pretty much all of these suggestions. Pirates are seriously awesome but there is so much out there that is also awesome, do you really want to miss it(pieces of eight)?

Did you know that the sail that hangs off the back of a three master is called a spanker? Brilliant. You couldn't make this stuff up (Shiver me timbers).

I'd best head for the Spanish main (I have no idea so don't ask) and sing a shanty. May even do a little hornpipe (I had no idea that would sound as filthy as it does).

Arrrrrrrrrr.

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

http://www.piratequiz.com/

The gun in our pants

2006-09-15T08:05:00.000Z

Ever been to a urinal and had a target? You know, some pubs have taken to painting a fly in the urinal to provide a target, it actually reduces the amount of wee wee (to be polite) that hits the floor! Genius huh?

For you ladies there are a whole lot of things to consider at the urinal. First what sort is it? Individual basins or a long trough?

Next where to stand? There could be a book written on this. You never stand next to someone unless there is no other choice. If two people are there ahead of you, you stand equidistant from them.

All very tricky but it's all made worthwhile if while at the urinal you see something in the trough which you can pee at. A cigarette butt will do.

It did occur to me that this could go dreadfully wrong if it were a long trough and the pee-er was an obsessive compulsive.

They'd take aim and start peeing the butt towards the plug hole. As the butt increased speed, so would they. Knocking aside other chaps taking a slash they'd chase the butt to it's terminus. I assume that during this chase they'd push in front of people and so would be soaked in urine.

I imagine them slopping back to their date, soaked in piss (and most likely covered in bruises). Would they worry? Would they even wash their hands? It seems silly to worry about hygiene when you smell like an OAP home. Are they on they way to a club where people wee on each other anyway?

Do these clubs have a dress code? If you show up already dripping would you be turned away? Do they, inquiring minds want to know, require a tie?

Why the hell do they do it? I am pretty liberal (read the blog title) but I don't get it. I don't mind if people want to do that but WHY? It can't be good for your skin surely? You will hum like a badger too. Still whatever floats your boat eh?

So, we have our hero standing by the table. His amour is sitting down, probably joining the rest of the restaurant staring at Mr Pee Pee. There will be whispers as the gents he interfered with in the lawful execution of their toilet explain to their dates why they may have a moderate amount of splashback upon them.

Everyone. Is. Staring.

and lets face it. It's fair enough. It's not like he didn't shake it effectively and there is an embarrassing ten pence sized wet patch. It's dripping from his ears.

What he says next could determine his sex life for the foreseeable. Does he brazen it out? Take a seat and resume dinner like nothing has occurred and he doesn't smell like a tramp? Does he try to bluster some excuse about being mugged by a pervert who then marked him like territory? Does he(ahem)come clean?

A situation like this would be a defining moment and how it was dealt with would show a lot about the kind of guy he is.

I may have lost the way a little with this blog. I think it started out about how it'd be nice if urinals had targets so that they would smell less like baboon houses. Obviously I have found an important social question. How do you explain to the girl you are having dinner with the reason you are dripping piss mere inches from her gazpacho?

Something to think about for the weekend. For those of you scoffing and saying, "that'll never happen to me", won't it my friend, won't it? Wouldn't you prefer to have a game plan ready for when your girlfriend is sitting there, mouth open, spoonful of soup halfway there and forgotten. Hmmmmm?

Food for thought.

Not waving but drowning

2006-09-14T12:20:00.000Z

Ever had one of those days? Shovelling the brown stuff against the tide?

I have a job like that. Somedays I feel like Sisyphus. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I couldn't do better for coworkers but it's tough.

I have had some jobs that were way worse. My last job I just quit. I managed to work my notice without punching anyone or suggesting that they tried inserting stuff into themselves but it was a very close thing.

The job before that I also quit but that was a case of a manic CEO advised by a simplton who had managed to absorb enough management speak to impress the uninitiated but had proved impervious to any form of useful knowledge. I knew I was in trouble the day he gave me the career talk and drew me some graphs to illustrate the two paths I could take.

The path I wanted to take was directly to the door. From there I hoped to get as far from this idiot as possible. I had run into the phenomenon of the waste of space manager. He had mastered the wearing of suits and shaving. I bet he even managed to get his shoes on the right feet most of the time. What he seemed unable to do was to manage staff. Just talking to the trouser snake made my fists itch.

People at the top are called the cream, I can only assume as the cream floats to the top of the milk. I have another analogy, the sewer. We all know what floats to the top there. Or perhaps the swamp where the scum floats on the surface.

I have seen managers that I would trust with anything. People who genuinely care for their people and get the best from them. I have also seen managers who could easly be replaced by a computer that randomly changed stuff and shouted a bit. What I have observed is that companies in general seem unable to tell them apart.

The company, as a gestalt organism, is frequently oblivious to the malignant cells within it. I would suggest a group within a company that is charged with rooting out the incompetent and possibly the homicidal. Wouldn't you just love to work in that job? To catch the useless arse that's making everybody else's life difficult and tell them to sling their hook?

Pretty sweet job.

On the bright side, being kept busy makes the day flash past. So all in all I am a happy little monkey!

Do you know the muffin man?

2006-09-12T08:20:00.000Z

Been off. Bloody pleurisy reared its ugly head again. Apparently going back to the gym so soon was a bit of an error but like the man says, you can take away my rights, my health and even my life but you can't take away the hard on I use to fuck your mother.

So I am back. A bit beaten about. Not on top form by any means but cool enough for school.

Anyway I was a bit down, house bound and feeling exhausted. On my won as everyone else is at work. So to cheer myself up I made muffins! A good friend gave me the recipe for my birthday and they aren't too tricky. It gave me some ideas which I will have a go at and you will either hear about here or on the news when the food poisoning deaths start.

Just thought I'd mention it.

It's quite a weird feeling being happy to be back at work. It's funny how quickly the fun drains out of being at home when you are too ill to build forts or disco dance. There should be some rule that if you are ill and you drag your scabby carcase in then the time you are ill can be taken off when you are well and can enjoy it! What's the use of being off work for weeks if all you can do is lay there and try not to die?

Anyway I am back and ready to bust a cap in the irritating wrinkles of life.

Laters.

Piqued

2006-08-24T14:16:00.000Z

Ok, I can get a bit testy if I am hungry. Actually quite a lot can make me angry.

Lack of:-

food, sex, sleep, exercise

All of the above can lead to me being a "bit snippy" or wolfman crazy. I'm a firm believer in maslowes (probably how it was spelled, it's been a few years ok?) hierarchy of needs. Not to attain self actualisation but to avoid a nuclear rage meltdown.

Other that that I am a pretty simple chap. I'd make a great pet. I have no need for world domination. I am not after your lucky charms. I don't speculate on who killed JFK.

Also a decent bottle of wine or a nice port. It's so easy to keep me happy. Why don't you want me to be happy huh?

There I am, metaphorically stretched out in front of the fire and religion or politics comes along and pokes me with a stick. Is there any wonder I bite?

Anyway, this is meant to be a soothing post so we will avoid the rage triggers and talk about something close to my heart.

Desserts

Chocolate Parfait.

I have made this only once. It's a mix of dark chocolate, fresh cream, butter, whisky and some other crap. It reminds me of the deadly eclair from that simpsons episode. I used glenmorangie to make it which may offend you whisky types but what the hell was I going to put in? Teachers? Not bloody likely. It's a bit rich to have a lot of, a little goes a very long way.

Black Forest Gateaux.

My friend made me one as my birthday cake and the sheer size of thing thing was enough to impress me. Didn't have any kirsch so she used brandy and the cherry syrup to soak the sponge.

Chocolate Mousse.

I have made a few of these and am always after some new recipes. I made half a dozen for a dinner party which was lucky because the american cheese cake went south in a bad way.

Ok. I think I might be hungry. Or I might need to cook. Or I could be slowly going bertie. Either way I am going to go.

Cheese and biscuits.

Like fish in a barrel

2006-08-24T13:38:00.000Z

I don't even look for these stories they just fall in my lap!

"Evolutionary biology is mysteriously missing from the list of undergraduate subjects eligible for a US federal grant.

The department of education claims the omission is simply a mistake and insists that US students taking evolutionary biology majors are eligible for the grants. However, the incident has left pro-evolution campaigners wondering whether evolutionary biology was deliberately eliminated from the list by people who find Darwinian evolution impossible to reconcile with their own religious beliefs. "

An accident? So they are just incompetent not trying to force their beliefs in by the back door (fnar!).

"“I have reason to believe there is a serious problem here,” physicist Lawrence Krauss of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, told New Scientist."

Really? You think? The education board is basing its decisions on a book written a whole heap of years ago. They are avoiding teaching something that is established fact. Yes, yes, I know... SHUT THE FUCK UP. It may be called the theory of evolution but it's pretty much proven fact. True scientists allow for the fact that nothing is ever proven for sure and that refinements can occur to something. They don't just claim to have faith and then ignore all contradictory evidence.

Maybe we (the brits) shouldn't complain. If America turns out a load of badly taught students we should have the upper hand in science, like we are getting with stem cell research (I think the English are aware that a bunch of cells is not a person).

Apologies to all you normal Americans, I know you are out there as I have spoken to some of you. You must be a minority though or how the hell did bush get in twice!

We have our problems too. Faith schools? Should be renamed inaccuracy schools. A motto of 'we perpetuate hate and ignorance' would be good too.

Also, think very carefully on what I am about to say. If you are an employer do you want a worker who has a grounding in critical thinking and science or do you want a worker who believe stuff because 'they just do ok'? If I am hiring I certainly have to carefully consider hiring someone who thinks the earth is 4000 years old and dinosaurs are a cosmic trick.

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn9833&feedId=online-news_rss20

I really don't understand why so many people are unable to think. We have been yoked by religion for too long. Britain got partially away simply because a fat king wanted a divorce. I think humans in general need to believe in a diety of some sort as they seem unable to take responsibility for anything. Religion certainly gives and excuse for being prejudiced.

Apologies for this little burst of sunshine, I shall return with something a little softer on the palate.

I can't believe you don't shut up.

2006-08-23T14:24:00.000Z

Grabbed a lift to the gym today. One of the chaps was heading over to play footy so I tagged along. I could run it and skip the treadmill I suppose. Might even start doing that.

I figured three times a week isn't too much to work out. I am going to swim also and maybe have a go at yoga. What the hell eh? It's all included in the membership. If I am perfectly honest there is a chance I might even have a crack at aerobics or something that's just a little bit feminine.

Funny how when things are free and available you think, 'oh, it wouldn't hurt to give this a go'. Probably explains why politicians are always getting caught in hotel rooms wearing ladies underwear with a tangerine stuffed up their arses. Let's hope this new exercise routine doesn't go that far. I am not that keen on fruit.

If I suddenly decide to go to aqua aerobics I will let you know. We have no secrets, you and I. I might not mention the pink flowery swimming cap, or the short shorts and leg warmers I will have to don for aerobics. and maybe a headband!. and very possibly an extremely tight 70's t-shirt (see the video for call on me and you'll get an idea of the look I mean!).

Anyway, back to the lift. In previous posts I have explained about roundabouts and the need for people to have their fingers repeatedly slammed under the bonnet until they learn to use them properly.

So we are heading to the gym. We are in the right turn or straight on lane. In the lane to our immediate left (the lane that was for people going straight on) was this beat to shit car.

I eyed it a bit dubiously as I could see the driver hanging out of the window smoking a fag (for our colonial cousins that's smoking a cigarette not doing a driveby on a homosexual, just to be clear). I noticed her as she didn't seem to be paying a whole lot of attention to the road.

I started to say to the driver next to me that she shouldn't get to close to her as she looked like she couldn't drive for shit as there were dents all along the side of her car (ok, I know I was jumping to conclusions after all she could be a very skillful and careful driver with a clumsy partner).

Anyway, before I could jokingly warn my chauffeur she crossed into our lane and side swiped the rear left wing of our car. She wasn't jerky about it, it was a really smooth swoop into the rear of the car.

We stopped, she stopped, there was the usual swapping of insurance details. She then proceded to tell the driver why he was in the wrong (he wasn't) and how he needed to be more careful (presumably she meant to not be in the way when she was driving like a nutter). Now our hero was very calm and just swapped details. No arguments no yelling, I was impressed by this because all I wanted to do was see how far I could get my foot up her arse.

Anyway, I sat in the car quietly grinding my teeth and being polite. The business is concluded and she starts to drive off and leans out of the window and says, "make sure you are in the right lane next time"

If someone gave a course of things to say and times to say them in that would cause maximum rage in me she'd get an A. She gets double points for saying out of a car window as she pulls away.

Ok, nobody would blame me if I roughed her up a bit? Come on, I am not asking for much. It bugs the piss out of me when something is obviously someones fault and they keep refusing the blame or blaming someone else. Maybe she thought that by saying it it would become true?

If it had been just me she would have looked in her rearview window to see me driving after her like something out of mad max while howling like a beast.

I was a little shook up but I guess it turned out pretty well. No one was hurt. It could have so easily gone another way and you lot would never have known! One day, no more blog. Unnerving isn't it? I saw a quote once,

1."come on you want to live forever"

2."dunno , ask me in a couple of hundred years"

Whatever. If I am going to die young I'd rather it was from me doing something unwise (like a married woman) than some idiot bagging me by mistake. So people. Please drive carefully for the sake of people who are just minding their own business. If you do happen to hit me with you car you had better stop and finish me off or I will find you and kill you with a stick. It's for your own good.

This whole incident is told as it happened. I have no reason to lie on this blog.

You can't make this crap up!

Omnia aut nihil

2006-08-22T13:09:00.000Z

It's been said that I tend to go at things. I don't really do half measures. I think the phrase hammer and tongs could apply.

This has been my way with everything as long as I can remember. I suppose middle ground isn't really my thing. I don't see it as necessarily a bad thing despite pissing off some of my friends with the way I deal with stuff. It certainly makes my love life pretty interesting.

Anyway having finally got to the gym I have been trying to keep a hold of this side of me. Probably best if I don't run myself into the ground in a fit of enthusiasm.

So, given that I can be a teensy bit full on once I have the bit between my teeth I am trying to get some of that aimed at sorting my flat out for sale. I just need to keep it under wraps a bit so I don't start trying to add any new windows or a jacuzzi on the balcony.

If I was armigerous a friend said the motto would have to be 'all or nothing'. I can think of worse things to have for a motto such as I can't be arsed or it wont get better if you pick it.

So, I like a sandwich. I went through a stage of making sandwiches out of whatever food I had to hand. I have the best picture (if I can find it I will post it) of an entire fried breakfast in a big sandwich. Me and a friend knocked it up one morning after a heavy night out.

It was a thing of beauty. A bloomer loaf cut lengthways and covered in tomato sauce (inside). The base was lined with veggie sausages then friend eggs, mushrooms and even beans.

To be honest I am not sure where I am going with this whole story but that was one hell of a sanger.

Who's hungry?

and we're back in the room

2006-08-22T09:04:00.000Z

Hell of a weekend.

I celebrated my birthday so I took the Thursday and Friday off too. Four days of thrills and spills.

Had a great meal. My best friend made me a black forest gateux the size of my head. Four of us barely made a dent in it. We drank some wine, ate some cheese and generally had some fun.

Went to a bar that does the most awesome cocktails too. Wudan mountain, honey crush, sucker. Hard not to get drunk when you are trying to try everything.

It all culminated in a do at one of my favourite pubs on the Saturday. A bunch of us, some tequila and most likely some regrets the following morning. Despite leading the charge and being in a shameful state I felt pretty good the next morning. Unlike some!

All in all one of my better birthdays. Little sleep, lot's of booze, good company and very good times.