Post Traumatic Shopping Syndrome

I hate shopping. Actually that's not entirely true. I hate doing the weekly big shop (if you are from the right region of England)/weekly grocery shopping. It's not a particularly difficult chore, the expense doesn't bother me that much, it's the other shoppers (and some stuff about the supermarket itself but i will come to that in good time).

I hit the supermarket like the SAS tackling an embassy. In, accomplish what you have to do, out. No messing. Obviously there are differences. Although some are only because civilians in this country are not allowed to possess automatic weapons and flash bangs. So yes I get through the place without double tapping the old dear who stops with her trolly across the aisle (thus blocking it) while she babbles on to an equally aged old biddy. Also I dont snap the neck of the check out girl who is moving so slowly she actually appears to have hit some time dilation. What I do is grind my teeth until I hit jaw bone. If looks could kill I am sure Bush would be trying to employ me by now.

I don't ask for much, if you need time to decide what shopping you are going to get at least stand slightly out of the way. If you must discuss chaucer try not to do it across the end of an aisle. Also if someone says, "Excuse me, may I get by" (Hell yes I can be polite even with my worn down stumps of teeth), don't look at them like they have asked if they can sexually interfere with your cat.

I do have a solution my children! Mad max shopping carts. Genius!

Each cart to be spiky round the front, perhaps some sort of bladed side? Anyone maligering and blocking access is banished to the thunderaisle. Two shoppers enter, One shopper leaves. Eventually evolution should kick in and we will be left with the decendants of people who can shop acceptably.

Another things supermarkets do is the layout of the place. Why fresh food first? Why does the stuff that will be crushed by the cans and bottles you will later buy come first? I understand the whole marketing principal of the fresh food being seen first. It gives the place a wholesome blah blah blah DIE! We all know about the marketing tricks ok? We understand. We have moved on. I get it, like I get that an orange juice drink may not be freshly squeezed orange juice and may in fact be from concentrate.

Ok maybe there are still people who are gullible enough. Perhaps the sneaky tricks will drag them in from other supermarkets. Or perhaps if you lay your market out sensibly they would leave for other supermarkets, pulled by the healthy freshness of all the produce by the door. I am sure a place set out in a sensible way would pull in those like me who shopping reduces to a whimpering heap. People who appreciate that we just want to get the stuff on our list and leave in the minimum amount of time, with the least fuss possible and go on with our otherwise happy lives.

The final (ok final is a total lie) gripe is that the supermarket I go to seems to swap things around. Actually it seems more like they hide the stuff that I am after. I like to go to the place I know the eggs are and get my eggs. If they are moved I have to search and that takes me longer. I hate it in supermarkets I don't want to spend time there!

Yes yes online shopping, SHUT UP. You really think it would be a good idea for me to have one of these people in a place away from and easily reached panic button? I shop in a supermarket for the safety of others. I am doing it for the old ladies, for the checkout girls, for the crazies who you see stood in a doorway drinking a tub of pasta sauce. I do it because I can feel my Celtic heritage singing in my veins. My blood calls for me to get naked, cover myself in woad, grab a battle axe and get down like Boudicca upon the unsuspecting shoppers. There may have been a beserker amoungst my ancestors and if so I like to think that he/she is looking on with pride.