Plastic scissors

I have always considered warning signs like mind your head as pandering to the hard of thinking.

I think if people can't be trusted to mind their heads then a lump or two is a valuable learning experience for them.

Natural selection is important to a species so if we circumvent it by helping the mouth breathers to survive we only hurt ourselves.

That said, I did something so asinine on Saturday that I blush to think of it. I actually had to adjust my placing on the stupidity scale!

If someone else had done this I would have urinated scorn upon them so I feel I should give myself the same treatment (the scorn not the urine!).

OK.

I stabbed myself in the hand opening a bottle of pop.

Nope, that really doesn't do it justice.

I. stabbed. myself. In the hand. While opening. a bottle of pop!

Now the faster amongst you will realise that pop (or soda if you are a Sherman) doesn't usually require a knife to get at. I accept this. A plastic one litre bottle of lemonade can generally be opened by hand and requires little in the way of tools.

In my defense the little bastard of a seal had stuck and prevented me from getting the top off. I may have gotten a bit impatient and tried to lever it off with a serrated knife used for preparing vegetables.

Yes. Now I can see it was a bad idea. Yep, not well thought out at all.

It was like the first 20 Min's of Casualty.


-- This may require a little explanation. Casualty is British series that is set in and about a fictional hospital. The first part is usually given over to setting up the accidents that the A & E staff then deal with. It's also the good bit. There are things like some old guy cleaning his shotgun and leaving it loaded while his 12 year old grandson watches avidly. Gramps leaves the room. Bam, kid shoots his foot off, or shoots granny as she bakes. All very funny as you can see it coming a mile off. At this point it's acceptable to yell at the TV. " No! Don't leave the shotgun loaded on the kitchen table pointed at granny. That kid is just itching to see what happens if he pulls the trigger. Look at the little bastard, he has the dead cold eyes of a killer!". Ahem. You get the point. You can also mention Johnny Briggs leaving the biscuits on the coffee table when razzle is around (something for another day I feel!).--

Anyway, I was like a bit actor in casualty. If what I was doing to the pop bottle with the knife was on the TV everyone would have been yelling, "Don't do that! You are clearly going to stab yourself in the hand. That old pedro charlie will have to sew you up dispensing a drop of wisdom on the way (the bastard)".

The bottle seal gave way. The knife plunged. I came within an inch of nailing my hand to the work surface.

I had a moment to pause and say, "please let that didn't happen" before I had to tug the knife out and blood went everywhere. I got it under the tap and then realised that it wasn't possible to reach a clean tea towel from where I was standing.

The situation was so ridiculous that I was laughing as I called a friend (who I owe big time) to come and drive me to A&E.

The British National Health Service leaped into action and two hours later I was sitting in a cubicle having my hand stitched by a doctor with possibly the worst haircut I have ever seen! Seriously, this guy boldly passed the point where billy ray sirus (lower case intentional) stopped because he thought it would make him look like a cunt.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to him for patching me up but there are limits and a mullet that is a mullet only on one side at the back is so far past them they can't be seen, even if you stand on the shoulders of a Chris De Burgh song.

Anyway. 4 stitches and a sling. Everything is fine. I have some bruising and should get a decent scar for the collection out of it.

There will be more on this subject as doing everything one handed (please just let that slide eh?) is a pain.