The gun in our pants

Ever been to a urinal and had a target? You know, some pubs have taken to painting a fly in the urinal to provide a target, it actually reduces the amount of wee wee (to be polite) that hits the floor! Genius huh?

For you ladies there are a whole lot of things to consider at the urinal. First what sort is it? Individual basins or a long trough?

Next where to stand? There could be a book written on this. You never stand next to someone unless there is no other choice. If two people are there ahead of you, you stand equidistant from them.

All very tricky but it's all made worthwhile if while at the urinal you see something in the trough which you can pee at. A cigarette butt will do.

It did occur to me that this could go dreadfully wrong if it were a long trough and the pee-er was an obsessive compulsive.

They'd take aim and start peeing the butt towards the plug hole. As the butt increased speed, so would they. Knocking aside other chaps taking a slash they'd chase the butt to it's terminus. I assume that during this chase they'd push in front of people and so would be soaked in urine.

I imagine them slopping back to their date, soaked in piss (and most likely covered in bruises). Would they worry? Would they even wash their hands? It seems silly to worry about hygiene when you smell like an OAP home. Are they on they way to a club where people wee on each other anyway?

Do these clubs have a dress code? If you show up already dripping would you be turned away? Do they, inquiring minds want to know, require a tie?

Why the hell do they do it? I am pretty liberal (read the blog title) but I don't get it. I don't mind if people want to do that but WHY? It can't be good for your skin surely? You will hum like a badger too. Still whatever floats your boat eh?

So, we have our hero standing by the table. His amour is sitting down, probably joining the rest of the restaurant staring at Mr Pee Pee. There will be whispers as the gents he interfered with in the lawful execution of their toilet explain to their dates why they may have a moderate amount of splashback upon them.

Everyone. Is. Staring.

and lets face it. It's fair enough. It's not like he didn't shake it effectively and there is an embarrassing ten pence sized wet patch. It's dripping from his ears.

What he says next could determine his sex life for the foreseeable. Does he brazen it out? Take a seat and resume dinner like nothing has occurred and he doesn't smell like a tramp? Does he try to bluster some excuse about being mugged by a pervert who then marked him like territory? Does he(ahem)come clean?

A situation like this would be a defining moment and how it was dealt with would show a lot about the kind of guy he is.

I may have lost the way a little with this blog. I think it started out about how it'd be nice if urinals had targets so that they would smell less like baboon houses. Obviously I have found an important social question. How do you explain to the girl you are having dinner with the reason you are dripping piss mere inches from her gazpacho?

Something to think about for the weekend. For those of you scoffing and saying, "that'll never happen to me", won't it my friend, won't it? Wouldn't you prefer to have a game plan ready for when your girlfriend is sitting there, mouth open, spoonful of soup halfway there and forgotten. Hmmmmm?

Food for thought.