Decorating decorum

Hello. Been a while. Going to be a bit longer too as I am off to sort out my flat. This has been going on for about three months already. Three months of living in something resembling a bombsite. Three months of eating rubbish food as my kitchen is out of order. Reminds me of my student days. I have started to write about it a few times but before I could get started the red mist came (anyone seen Jack Dee describe his father as a decorating werewolf?).

You remember all the DIY programs? We have lots in blighty. Full of smug people who obviously know which way up to hold a saw. All whistling and bustling while they transform some dowdy old room into the cistine chapel. All calm. None of them with that look of "What the hell have i just sawn through? Does it hold up/carry/conduct anything essential or life threatening?".

The thing is, they always have some DIY genius floating about in the background to step in when things get a bit tricky. I don't have one of those. I just have me. Well I showed them. I stripped the walls, some of it with my teeth during a fugue state of fury. I have finally prepped the room ready for the pro's to come in and fit my new kitchen (not the best job in the world but in a state I can finish when the building work is done).

What I should have done is pay the extra cash and let them sort out everything. It wasn't the cash you know, I think I needed to feel I had done something. Made a contribution. Something to show I am not a distaster around manual stuff. Something to impress women with. "Yeah, I used a drill the other day. Got a special holster for it and everything. I'm thinking of buying a hardhat! Wait. Don't go. I can put up shelves. I CAN PUT UP SHE..HEL..HELVES!"

Ok so maybe it wont impress anyone but it's essential to the mens psyche. It used to be easy. We used to be able to start fires in the cave and stand around it will a big stick or club some small animal and half char it to feed the tribe. What do we have these days? Decorating? Doing the 9-5 doesn't really give the same satisfaction as doing the Sabre Tooth. Time to get tough, time to buy a power tool, time to brush the sweat from our forehead with a gritty arm while being backlit and posing impressively to the thumping base of 'eye of the tiger'.

Anyway I wont post for a bit unless the rage takes me before I leave. Now go away I am off to do some baking!