Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Covered in Beeeeez

Busy? Don't talk to me about busy!

We are struggling to cope. At least it makes the day go quicker.

I have taken up the yoga as I said a bit back. This has had an effect on me a bit. I meander out from yoga as mellow and happy as a stoner in an amsterdam coffee shop who has just heard the cry the hash cakes are on me! Seriously, I was soooo chilled yesterday. I had a dopey smile on my face for most of the afternoon.

Good job too or I'd have something to say about on line gambling. Huge profits to be made. I saw on TV this morning they got some woman in to talk about how she got herslef into serious debt doing it. "there were no warnings on the site" she bleated piteously. Apparently she wants the sites to say, "hold on you are losing rather a lot maybe you should stop".

Perhaps the daft bitch should just not blow large amounts of cash on gambling if she can't afford it? How much nanny state should there be? Tax the gambling yes. Regulate it so it's a straight game, fair enough. Don't expect them to cut the losers off. I also don't want to hear about how they shouldn't have to pay as the website got them gambling.

Who did? I think it was you not the website that handed out your card details. No one made you. Here's a thought! Perhaps there could be an idiots bank account that only allows you to draw x amount of money a week? Would that make you happy, you fucking idiot?

Gah! Why must we deal with these fools? Addiction my sainted shitter.


Anyway as I did do yoga I will just let it go.

Peace.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The calm before the storm?

It seems after 100 posts I have calmed down a bit. I was always yelling "and another thing" before hitting levels of incandescent rage at something some government puke did. Now I don't seem to have as much rage.

Perhaps I have been reading too much about the crap that governments get up to and have become inured. The end result seems to be that I have been neglecting my blog. After all once you are no longer nuts you don't employ a psychiatrist eh?

Damn it! There must be more stuff for me to waffle aimlessly at. I have included one or two posts which didn't go on about how politicians or fundmantalists were a pain in the ass. Maybe I could go that way?

The only problem is that I think that if something isn't bursting forth, if it isn't contained only with effort it may not be worth saying! I don't want to write for the hell of it. I like it when I get to my computer and I can't type fast enough. When I have to keep pausing to shake my fists at the sky and howl with rage. It seems a bit luke warm for me sit and think then type something like, "It really bothers me when people park outside my flats at night with their car radio blaring".

Actually... Motherfuckers. That really pisses me off. I need to stockpile bricks on my balcony so I can bounce them off the roof or bonnet of their car as a hint that I'd like them to turn their music down a smidge. Or I could pop downstairs and write shhhh on their bonnet with a hammer. Bastards.

Aaaaargh and there is this guy up the road who has a car horn like the general lee from the dukes of hazards. Every morning about eight he plays it twice. Presumably to summon the other members of care in the community to the sunshine center. Now I am up at that time but after a couple of years I am rapidly reaching the point of getting up earlier and lying in wait for this guy. I can see the headlines now. Man found dead, stupid music car horn shoved up arse.

Lack of consideration for others really bugs me. People who have to play their shitty music at ear shattering volume. The police can now confiscate their stereos if complaints are made but I don't think that goes far enough. They should also confiscate their index finger so they can't press the on switch. Fair?

Now, as you know I am a pretty liberal guy. People should be allowed to do what they like as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I guess I should be more relaxed about music during the day. Providing it doesn't actually vibrate stuff off my table. At night though these people should be hunted like vermin.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. Still a little anger left.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Starsky and Hutch

Been a few days since I have made an entry.

I was busy ok? What are you? My mother?

Anyway, I had an exam to go to Monday. One of the dreaded Microsoft ones so I did a little work beforehand to make sure I was up to scratch and the night before I had a few pints to make sure I was calm and got a good nights sleep.

Actually reel back a bit. I had been working on this for a bit but the weekend is mine. I got some beer, some wine and a friend to watch DVDs with. Nice and relaxing. Actually the sparkling chardonnay from my local supermarket is pretty good.

While we are on the subject if you get the chance to try the sparkling Pinot grigio crack on. Not bad as a champers substitute.

Well, I decided to make nachos. Bought some tortilla chips, some guac, some sour cream, cheese, chillies etc. Knocked up my own salsa. I like hot spicy food so I wasn't shy with the chilli. It was all going swimmingly, had a few beers. Made the dish. Tried a bite and it seemed like I had tried drinking molten lead.

My oesophagus went into some sort of spasm and I ended up with seriously unfunny hiccoughs. The sort of hiccoughs that wrench your entire body.

It was at this point that I remembered this gem

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez
/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=3395000&dopt=Citation

This is from the IgNobel awards, the title was "Termination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage."

Basically, if you have hiccoughs and you can't stop, a finger up the arse will cure you!

Now I am all one for medical research but how the hell did they first discover this? I take it somebody had a bad case and was willing to try anything. Imagine the scene at a Harley street clinic.

"Please Doc (hic), I have been hiccouging (hic) for 15 years. (hic) I get no more than 3 seconds sleep at (hic) once. I am going (hic) Insane. HELP ME!"

"Well Mr Johnson, we have tried everything that medical scince has to offer but I have an idea. They laughed at me at med school and called me mad. MAD I TELL YOU! WHua ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa"

"Anything, I (hic) am desperate"

"Ok turn around and drop trou"

(Turning and dropping his trouser and underpants) "Why am I (hic) taking my trousers down?"

"Just bend over. This may be a little uncomfortable"

"(hic) Why would it be (hic) uncomfortable what are you going to dooooooooooooooooooooh"

"Better?"

"It seems to have stopped. Thank you doc you are my hero. You have literally saved my life. I couldn't go on like that another day".

"you are very welcome Mr Johnson. I will finally get the recognition I deserve. Those fools will laugh on the other side of their faces!"

"Doc?"

"Yes Mr Johnson?"

"Could you take your finger out of my arse now please?"


All this flashed through my mind. Was it time to see if my friend was a good a friend as I thought? No of course not. Nobody is that good a friend. Proctologists are odd people. They have selected a discipline which involves a lot of time slaving over a hot anus. They are the only people who would willingly go for this.

I just had a glass of milk. Sorted me right out.


Anyway. We headed to the exam and due to oversights in the preparation end of things we ended up getting to the exam in the last few possible seconds. This meant practically abandoning the car and leaping into our seats. We got there and started immediately. No time for worries or second thoughts.

Long story short (hah!) I passed. I still have more to go but that always seems to be the way.

As I read back over this I realise that although I started with the intention of talking about the exam I seem to have done most of it on hiccough cures. Does the blogger choose the subject or the subject choose the blogger. Deep huh?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

100 Posts old today!

That time already! This is my 100th post!

I have decided not to use it to say anything laudable or witty or even interesting. I have decided to use this post simply to display my amazement that I have kept this up for one hundred posts!

Who knew? Even I thought I'd be bored within about twenty or so. Apparently I have issues. It's definitely therapeutic to vent all of this stuff and sometimes it's even made me laugh.

Manimal

Anyone remember Manimal? What about Automan? Street Hawk?

I seem to remember watching this stuff when I was a kid and enjoying it. Did I have no taste back then? Was it cancelled as it was not good?

I still occasionally see some A Team and I have to say it's not as exciting as it used to be. In fact it's kind of pony.

As for the kids programs that are on TV at the moment? It's like Morning torture.

Probably good for parents. Get the kids to watch TV so you can get a decent lie in.

For me I am starting to get a bit narked at having to pay for a TV licence for the three programs a week I actually watch. Most of the stuff on TV is drivel. I don't like soaps or anything like x factor, big brother etc. The BBC is letting us down and charging us a lot.

Maybe we do need some sort of pay per view thing rather than a TV licence.

Also I am fed up of geting threats.

'If you don't have a TV licence we will know and we'll be round to kill your entire family'

Tossers. They are spending cash from the TV licence to threaten us into getting on while producing programs that rarely rise above wank.

Bah!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Nanny State

Why oh why can't I stay away from political hot potatoes such as this?

I try to keep my blog all about the rage. Ok I suppose it does get on my pecs a bit.

The issue that is annoying me is the namby pamby approach taken by governments to tackle obesity. Blair fretting about being thought of as trying to create a nanny state.

We need some sort of structure. Total freedom is anarchy. I quite like the idea that people are not allowed to sell booze and knives to children. I like the idea that eyebrows are raised if someone buys several tons of fertilizer that can be used to make a bomb.

Don't get me wrong I feel the government is wrong in a lot of ways. The libertine side of me wants the right to do whatever I want providing it doesn't hurt anyone else. I have never seen the point of the drug laws for instance.

Oh I know,"you need to see the misery that drugs cause" blah blah. I have seen the misery that alcohol causes but that isn't dealt with. People die of cancer but cigarettes aren't banned. I think a lot of the problem is the legality. Decriminalise drugs, sell them through governement approved chains and tax them. Use the taxes to treat the damage caused.

I think this would have several effects. It would remove dealers from the streets. The government could make unlicenced dealing a serious crime, they could also undercut them and remove the profit and therefore the reason to deal.

This would remove profits from criminal organisations and force them to turn to other avenues or go legit. Once the drugs were government controlled they could be standardised. Avoid the OD's, clean needles to help halt the spread of aids.

I also think prostitution should be legalised and regulated too. As much to protect the sex workers as the public. In fact why not have designated pleasure areas in cities? The red light district in amsterdam could be a model. Or base it on the willow world of feudal japan. A designated area that could be policed,regulated and best of all taxed.

Adults could make the decision to take drugs or visit a prostitute (male or female) or go to church or drink tea blah blah. Perhaps it would bring in enough revenue to pay for treatment for addicts, the extra police officers to keep the area safe. Perhaps it would make the residential areas safer by keeping the majority of this behaviour in one place. Perhaps it would cut the spread of STDs. Maybe it would cut revenue to gangs. Perhaps it's a better idea than the war on drugs and the sex slave trade?

Let's face it the government aren't coping as it is and the police have better things to do than nick people for a bit of personal or for having sex.

Weirdly enough the whole reason I started this was to talk about the obesity problem. Blair talked about avoiding becoming a nanny state telling people what they can and can't eat. Ok fair enough. If you are an adult and you want to eat McDonalds every meal, fine. Just done come crying to me when your arsehole falls out. You are an adult you can make that choice. I think we should tax the fast food industry like we tax other harmful things(tobacco, alcohol etc).

Perhaps the NHS shouldn't be totally free. There should be discounts if you go to the gym and eat healthily (and there are ways to tell). We don't have health care at the moment we have sick care. Wouldn't it be better to work on prevention? If you treat your body like crap, smoking, drinking, eating rubbish then shouldn't you pay more for the larger slice of NHS funds you take? You should pay more than the person who watches what they eat, takes moderate exercise and doesn't cost the country (and in effect each and every tax payer) money to repair.

Ok, back to the subject. A while back the Jamie's school dinners came out and finally schools started listening and stopped giving kids food that was actually harmful. Food has a big effect on kids. Get them eating right and certain behavioural problems disappear. Attention spans that are effected by sugary rubbish like soft drinks can be regained. You don't need to medicate children for ADHD until you are sure they actually have it rather than having a piss poor diet that contains too much sugar (and even then I feel that medication should be a last resort for kids).

The point was that as schools act in loco parentis (apologies if that is misspelled my latin isn't great) then they have a responsibility to ensure that the child not only performs and behaves in an acceptable way but for the childs health while at school. I would say this means making sure they eat sensibly.

Children are the responisibilty of someone until they become adults. Of their parents most of the time but of their teachers when they are at school. Feeding a child badly is just as much child abuse as denying them sleep or giving them alcohol. If you have a kid you are responsible for their well being. Ignorance is no excuse. If you have a kid you ought to know that eating fast food regularly has a detrimental effect. If you don't want the responsibility don't have a kid. In the words of kanye west eighteen years man.

Admittedly this is fairly new information. Ten years ago people laughed at the fitness freaks but now it's common knowledge (I could bring up the parallel situation of global warming but I'd like this blog to end sometime today). There is a lot of television dealing with this issue. It's political big news.

This is why I was so pissed off when I saw on the news that a group of parents were taking chips and fast food to the school fence at lunch times and passing it over to their kids as the school had banned shitty food.

I can picture it now. Come lunch time they would waddle up to the school fence huffing and puffing. Chins quivering in indignation that their kids were being forced to eat healthily. They would pass handfuls of greasy crap to their pasty unhealthy looking brats. Who would then gobble it up to hit that lard/sugar high.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Surely the head should be tackling this? I would certainly be taking issue with adults handing food items over a school fence. How do you know they are all parents? Shouldn't s/he be keeping the kids away from the fence?

Also the school had bravely omitted the shit from their school menus. The parents could mistreat their children with all the trans fat they liked at home and on weekends but you would think that they would give enough of a fuck about their spawn to see that they had one meal a day that wouldn't put them at risk of being a blob by the time they are thirteen. Nope these people wanted a splat off the old block of lard.

Adults buying booze for kids are arrested. Adults giving kids food that is detrimental to their health are simply being parents. Can a parent give their kid booze with impunity? How about cigarettes? Does anyone else find this wrong?

It's bad ju ju man. You have to have a licence to own a dog but any cro magnon motherfucker can drag themselves from the shallow end of the genepool and impregnate some wench drunk on lambrini.

We are going in the wrong direction. We don't need a nanny state we need responsibility to be pushed onto people (it'd be better if they took it themselves). You eat McDonalds every day, smoke two packs of fags, drink a bottle of whisky and sit on your ever spreading arse then you should be charged when you have to go to the hospital. Why should people who spend time looking after themselves pay for your bypass?

People need to have the right to choose when it comes to their own health but the rest of us shouldn't suffer for their poor judgement. Their children shouldn't suffer either. What chance have they got if the role model is worthless?

I guess we just have to hope there are more people who actually care than don't. Let's face it, if you do your kid has a better chance.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Pick a nick basket

In my quest for personal harmony and in the interests of my not flipping out and killing everyone within a mile of me I have taken steps to keep my karma ticking over nicely.

I have taken up yoga again. Instead of trying to thrash the anger out of me by just going to the gym or swimming or climbing I am now also trying to calm myself through being mystical (or some such shit).

Anyway, I had my first session today. I strolled in and realised I was the only chap there!

This was slightly unnerving, like I had strolled into one of those women only conversations. You know, when they all stop talking and look at you waiting for you to be out of earshot? I ended up asking if it was women only but was assured that men were welcome. Everyone was nice but I still felt like a bit of an intruder.

Anyone who has done yoga will know that there is a lot of relaxing involved. This in combination with compression of the midsection causes people to fart. Now I try to be adult about this sort of thing but on occasion it can cause me to get the giggles. Something to look forward to eh?

I am hoping that the girls on the class wont feel constrained to hold it all in because there is now a lad in the room. We all know how you women (some of you anyway) pretend you don't fart when chaps are around. I really don't want to be the cause of some sort of methane based muscle strain. Nor do I wish to see a lot of faces straining against the inevitable (I feel that this would make me laugh).

Perhaps it's all in my head. Let's hope so eh?

I kept up pretty well though some of the contortions were a little tricky for me. Some of them were seriously unladylike. There were times when I didn't know where to look!

Guilty conscience I guess. I wasn't checking anyone out. No really. Honestly! When I work out or do a class I tend to focus on what I am doing. More so when I am the only chap in the room. Best to keep my mind on the task and my eyes averted. I guess it's the kind of guilt you get when you talk to a copper or teacher at school. You know you haven't done anything wrong but there is always that bit of guilt.

So apart from the odd thoughts about how I fit into the class I was seriously mellowed out by the time the class concluded. This lasted about twelve seconds after I got back to work. From mellow to anger in twelve seconds!

Back to the gym tomorrow. Demons Out-tah!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Lifes a bitch

This is referring to the case of the Muslim officer who was taken off duty in front of the Israeli embassy because he felt,"uncomfortable and unsafe".

I am sure this is an issue on which everyone has an opinion.

"The Association of Muslim Police Officers said it was a "welfare issue" not a political one - with the officer having a Syrian father and a Lebanese wife."

I have a big problem with this for a number of reasons.

Firstly, why the hell is there an association of muslim police officers? Surely there should just be the association of police officers who looks after all coppers. No christian police, no muslim police, just police. You all know how I feel about this crap.

Secondly, how does excusing him from his duty for reasons of his welfare make it any better than if he had moral objections. Either he is policeman or he isn't. Either he does his duty or he doesn't. Yes there is danger in being a copper but does that mean we should pick and choose the policeman for the duty? Should black police not be sent to BNP rallys in case they are in danger? Should only Muslim police investigate Muslim crimes?

To me a police officer is a police officer. It doesn't matter if they are black or white, male or female, straight of gay, you respect the uniform not the person within it.

I always had a perhaps naive view of the police. They do their duty without letting their personal beliefs or fears affect them. I trusted them to protect us without fear or favour and now we learn that this does not happen.

Whatever the Association of Muslim Police Officers says he did not do his duty. He is meant to be a member of Scotland Yard's Diplomatic Protection Group, would you trust him now? they are meant to protect whoever they are told to without personal feelings coming in to it. If they can't there are other jobs where you are allowed to pick and choose. Jobs where the safety of others may not rely on your impartiality

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5410094.stm

National Poetry Day

Believe it or not. There is a day for everything these days! Ok, so I thought I had better come up with some culture here or be accused of just doing knob gags and rage. I think the poem that helps me most contain the white hot anger that threatens to spew forth at any second and kill everyone within a three mile radius is appropriate.


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.


Ok, I see the irony.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Finish each day and be done with it.

I'm a slacker. I don't apologise for it or ask for special treatment.

This is something I have accepted. I am by no means lazy I just prefer my time and energy to go into things I enjoy. I work because it funds the more fun stuff I wish to do and the essential stuff that I need. I try to do a good job as it's not really in me to do otherwise. However this doesn't change the basic fact that I work to live, not the other way around.

I have never understood people who win the lottery and kept their old job, the money is wasted on these people. Perhaps I am being a little unfair. I assume people who are potters may keep their job as they love it.

I like my job but at the end of the day I am a corporate whore. I sell my skills for money. If I had the cash I would not work, I'd just do the things that make me happy.
If I had the cash I would 'while away the hours' etc.

Since I haven't been the one in 14 million who won the lottery and my needs still outstrip my income I have to stick my shoulder to the wheel occasionally. I find this depressing as it takes something that I like and makes it a chore.

This is the reason I do not wish to become a chef. I'd lose my love of cooking. It'd take something that delights me and make it into something forced. Bugger that!

Anyway the reason I began this meandering slightly peculiar mind dump was to say that I have just got a lot of stuff that needed doing done. I have tackled some things that were hanging about while I procrastinated.

This pleases me. If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly. Shakespeare was bang on the money. So despite my distaste for certain tasks I have got on with them and moved them out of my road.

Feeling smug.
Jimmy likes you. Jimmy would like to go on a date with you. That makes Jimmy smile.