Fundamentalists or Mentalists? Addendum

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/2178.html

Do I need to say anything here? Look at the self satisfied smile on her face. I'd love to hit her in the face with a spade but I don't think it'd knock any sense into her. Go on tell me about Jesus you scary, hundred yard stare witch!

Man, sometimes you just can't get angry enough.

Guerrilla tactics for the peeved recipient

It's happening to us all. We are bombarded with rubbish. How many letters or items posted through your door do you actually want?

Amoungst the more useful stuff I get regularly are things like free papers, Pizza menus, curry menus, chinese food menus (don't get me wrong I don't want this stuff it just may come in useful one day). I also get a lot of adverts for things, credit cards, home loans, blinds, estate agents. I even get some stuff posted that you are meant to give back! They post their crappy catalogue showing the full range of DIY tools you can buy through your door then come to collect it a few days later. By which time you have of course binned it as the rubbish that it is. You then have to explain to them why you are not going to give them £1.50 to pay for it.

"You put it through my letter box it becomes mine, if I throw my property away that's my business. No, putting £1.50 on the catalogue doesn't mean I have to pay you. In fact you want me to keep it I should charge you rent. It might be a catalogue to you but to me it's just more crap that I have to throw out. Now off with you before I unleash the hounds".

Have these people never heard of deforestation? What about keep Britain tidy? What about don't drop your crap through my letter box without me actually asking for it? If I want to buy DIY tools I will go to a DIY shop, If I want a credit card I will look at the available ones and choose one that way. Pissing me off is not the way to gain my custom.

I have to dispose of loads of this stuff. Some of it like credit card applications come partially filled in with my details (these I have to shred), some is just wordy crap.

A while back some one mentioned a method to fight back. A lot of these companies include a postage paid return envelope. It was suggested that you can remove all your details from the form then post it back to them. This has the advantage of getting rid of the junk mail and returning it to the originator. Poetic huh? What is even more beautiful is that they have been charged for the postage on the envelope that you have used to return their unasked for rubbish to them.

Perhaps if they get enough back this way they will consider another way of reaching people? Or at least it will be massively inconvienient to them (there is always a bright side).

I couldn't possibly say I condone responding as above, after all what have these companies done to us?

Well, they have bombarded us with a large amount of unasked for junk mail. I guess this is bad for the environment as it mostly goes straight in the bin which gets either burned (bad for the atmosphere) or buried (helping to fill more land fills). It's probably also bad for the environment in that post office vans are used to transport the crap, pumping more carbon emissions into the atmosphere. I guess there is also the matter of the trees cut down to make the paper to print the junk.

See they haven't done much why should we respond by trying to cost them money and time?

It did occur to me that you could irritate them a bit more by returning the wong items to the companies. So Mr credit card guy gets a local pizza menu. I guess you could also fill in funny details like micky mouse, disney avenue call 01777 - bite my ass. Although I am pretty sure that's illegal so don't do that! Although I assume it's legal to return the stuff with the words "no thank you very much Mr Bank guy I don't want a credit card" scrawled across the front of the form in black marker. That's just being polite.

As you know the Government will do dick to stop this. If it's profitable expect only a cosmetic response. Then again don't discount the power of a lot of individuals working together!

You notice I didnt mention rage once. In this case I didn't think I had to.

Don't Panic

As I am on a roll and as a couple of annoying things came back to me during the last post I thought I would keep going.

This is not about the Douglas Adams masterpiece or even about that odious pile of cinematic entrails that defiled everything good about hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. It refers to another guide.

This guide also has little tidbits in it. Snippets of info that you really, really shouldn't care about. I am talking about the TV guide.

I don't know how it is in your corner of the globe but here there are many to choose from, some better than others. Where they all fall down is in the amount of useless information they include.

In an ideal P1Pworld the TV guide would have a section that informed you of what was on the TV each day for a week. It would include a section that just showed what films were on by day for a week. If you have sky then perhaps a satellite section. End of story.

What it doesn't need are lots of tiny paragraphs about each soap opera. The people who watch soap operas know what's going on in them and the people who don't, don't care. We don't need true life stories about some woman from Barnsley who saw god in her cornflakes. We don't need a top ten tips for anything. We certainly don't need an advert that tells us how for the bargain price of £300 (paid in 12 easy monthly installments) we can own one of franklin mints abominations in the form of a statue of the baby jesus in santa claus' arms. In fact we dont need any adverts.

If I want all that extra crap I will seek it out. I don't see it as value for money, I don't rejoice that the generous people at TV quick have seen fit to include all this extra stuff just for me. I bought a TV guide because I wanted to know what would be on the TV and that's all I want.

My response to this is to buy the cheapest one I can find. When taking it from the rack at the shop I make sure to give it a little shake. This makes all the loose adverts (and they are legion) for mobile phones and credit cards etc slide back out of my TV guide and back into the rack for the Shop to deal with (join me in this people fight back at the man at TV quick).

The TV guide people have got wise to this. They have started to staple adverts into the middle on the TV guide.

Touche TV guide types you are worthy opponents you may have won the battle but the war will go on. A short sharp tug on the offending pages and they go in the bin with the rest of the crap (it's all in the wrist).

Obviously I can do nothing about the adverts and rubbish printed in the guide. Well I could, I could cut them out with scissors or black them out with a marker pen but even I can see that's taking it too far. Start doing crap like that and you will end up papering over all your windows and wearing a hat of silver foil to keep the voices out.

All I am saying is that if there was such a thing as a TV guide that was just a TV guide I'd buy it. Probably with tears of gratitude in my eyes.


PS Whoever designs the stuff at Franklin Mint. STOP IT. Good god have pity. Native American flower fairies? Holy Mother of Arse. If I was bush I'd level your factory with a missile and claim accidental friendly fire. Franklin mint people... BAD. NO. Go to your room and when you come out design something that wouldn't make any right minded person weep and beg for death.

It's raining men

Today we have an issue that has caused such grinding of teeth that it keeps my dentist in porsches. Some background is necessary.

I love my sleep (as you know if you have read some of my earlier blogs). I love it more than most things. My bed is a cosy haven which I leave with the greatest reluctance (on weekdays, on weekends it's a hell of a lot easier to rise and shine). This results in me leaving getting up until the absolute last minute. As you might guess this gives me little time to get ready and no margin for error. I have pared my morning activites down to the bare essentials.

I cannot do anything without a shower. It's like coffee to a dutchman (a story for another time if I can be bothered). No shower results in me being about as much use as honesty in marketing. I have it down to a fine art and can be totally clean and towelling off in about 10 minutes.

Breakfast is another must (again if you can be arsed, look at earlier blogs). First thing I need to kick start my body, eggs every few days, cereal in between, occasionally a full english (breakfast of champions). I don't drink coffee or tea very often at all so I have to get by without the caffine hit, this means that without breakfast I am dead in the water.

Everything else is secondary. I like to exercise first thing, I like to watch the news while I eat breakfast but both of these can be ditched if I run low on time.

On to the thing that bugs me. When I watch the news I like to catch the days weather. I have a very short window of opportunity but it usually works out that the weather is coming on just as I have finished exercising and while I eat breakfast. This is the gap between breakfast and shower and it's not long.

This irritating thing happens on regional tv but also on BBC weather. The weather girl doesn't just say ok it's raining today or it'll be sunny all day. Nope. She has the little banter moment with the guys in the newsroom.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's infuriating. I don't have time for that crap. Just the facts woman. No chit chat, no funny little aside, no "keeeeraazzy" banter to show how fun you are.

Weather. Weather first so I can go jump in the shower. Just shut the hell up. I don't give a crap if you have matching gloves and scarf on. In fact I don't care if you read the weather stood in a big pile of sheep shit. Just tell me what the weather will be like with no extras.

Actually I could live with the banter if she wittered on after telling me what the weather will be like, then I could head to the shower and commence my day but no, she know she has a captive audience and is making the most of it. It's like trailers and adverts before a film at the cinema (and this is on my list don't you think it isn't). You are waiting for the stuff you want to see so they stick a bunch of inane rubbish on first!

So, if you are a weather girl (or weather guy), please take pity. Just do your job. Tell us the weather first then all us working types can go and sort our lives out. You'll still have the people who don't work to cheer up with your cheeky brand of irreverent humour (well maybe, if I didn't have to go to work I'd still be in bed).

So there you are. Just a little thing but it gives me the morning rage. I guess shouting at the TV at least helps me to wake up.

Do you know what appointment means?

This happened a while ago but I have had to wait until the flames of anger died down a little before unleashing it.


So I wasn't feeling good. I tend to get cold and flu type stuff. Apart from that I am really healthy. I have no idea why this happens, perhaps it's my job? I come into contact with a lot of people over a day and a lot of stuff is airbourne right? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M A TECH NOT A DOCTOR!

Anyway, all is not well in P1P world. So I take advantage of the fact that I pay my taxes and I call the Doctor. My Doctors Surgery is pretty busy but they do try to fit you in if you are poorly and sound pathetic enough. They even have times when you can get in if you call first thing. I get my appointment from the nice lady. It's 10.30 am.

At precisely 10.25am I drag my mucus filled mekon head into the doctors. After letting the receptionist know i'm there I take a seat. What happens next? Nothing. For nearly an hour! Perhaps my watch was wrong? Perhaps the laws of time have changed? No. The truth is they are running late!

I made an appointment as I assumed that is when I would be seen! If we can just stroll in whenever and wait I would have just done that!

Anyway I am reeling in my rage on this one as I know the doctors are struggling to keep up but it happens a lot and it gets to me.

Why not just say "we will see you between 10am and 11am. I am sorry we can't be more specific but some appointments run over". I could live with that.

The damn dentist is the same! and he charges me an arm and a leg!

AND BUSES! buses that don't keep to their schedules, regularly. A one off I can understand but if you catch the bus daily (as I did for a few years) and every day it's late then perhaps the time has come to change the damn timetable and admit it! COME ON MR BUS MAN. YOU KNOW IT'S LATE EVERY DAY I KNOW IT'S LATE EVERY DAY WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHANGE THE TIME TABLE SO IT'S ACCURATE!

Ok I need to go lie down in a darkened room.

I am a little lamb that has lost his way

Ok. I appear to have wandered from the path of pure rage. I have let myself get into issues and have become wordy instead of unleashing the anger. My head is hung with shame right now I can tell you.

It stops now.

My eyes are glowing crimson, I have left finger gouges in my desk and I have chewed my mouse mat in half. I am ready to tackle an issue that makes me want to commit genocide.

Chico time. Chico. Fucking. Time.

You know I have never actually seen a full performance from this dog sexer as it's like radiation, you can get a lethal dose. I usually see it in the time it takes me to change the channel and that is more than enough.

This talent vacuum did ok on one of those poxy shows where they get a bunch of people and make money for the channel by getting idiots to phone in to vote for their favourite corporate whore. The whole reality genre (and I am not pround about using the word genre either) has blighted TV for too long. Sucky programs that make money with advertising in breaks then make money on phone voting then they turn around and sell the latest turd they have squeezed out back to us in the form of a record.

Anyway, this waste of oxygen known as chico got some kids in (I think to take the attention off him) in a desperate attempt to win. Did he? I have no idea nor do I care. All I am saying is if you have kids, monitor what they buy. you wouldn't let them buy crack or guns would you? Don't let them sell their soul to satan for the price of a chico album.

In the immortal words of Bill Hicks, chico "suck satans cock. swallow his wormy black jism."



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's better.

Fundamentalists or Mentalists?

Some of you may be readers of The New Scientist. Some of you may like to put your feet up with Exodus or Revelation. Some of you may even do both!

http://www.newscientistspace.com/article.ns?id=mg19025452.000

(I included this link if you care)

The new scientist reported on ""Clergy Letter Project, launched in 2004 by Michael Zimmerman of the University of Wisconsin in Oshkosh"(I am not even going to comment on the name Oshkosh). Basically this is a bunch of Christian Clergy (10,000+) who have said they believe in god and Evolution.

Now you, like me, may feel that this isn't necessarily a bad thing. These guys have their beliefs which may or may not sound like nonsense to you but they can also look at evidence from science and go "Hey, if you look at all the fossil evidence and the work done by Darwin then it's likely that evolution is real. Lets do us some praisin'".

I can respect this, I may not agree with their beliefs but if they can be open minded then I am on their side. Personally I don't like to take things on faith since a Junior school teacher destroyed my world by telling me Santa didn't exist. I had faith and even, I thought, proof. Every xmas eve I'd go to bed and when I woke up there would be presents under the tree. QED. My parents said Santa left them and who was I to argue with the dogma of authority? Where else would they have come from?

Of course there were heretics. There were the ones Santa didn't come to. They may have told me that Santa was just made up to give parents a way of ensuring acceptable behaviour all year but I kept the faith (you see he knew who was naughty or nice and those who were not nice would know what it was like to roast in the depths of the giant slaw I can tell you, or perhaps just didn't receive presents). I kept my faith until the proof was against me, until the teacher stated that there was no Santa. I asked my parents and they admitted the foul truth. They had been lying to me! Crushed and battered I yelled "Santa, why hast thou forsaken me!", but he didn't answer.......he just didn't answer.

Maybe this was the birthplace of my rage. That moment when I stopped believing things just because someone said it was fact. The moment I started questioning things that may have been written down. The moment I wanted proof in the form of physical evidence or logic. The moment my quest started, to use my rage against injustice and the hard of thinking everywhere (and mime artists, what the hell is that about? Bastards).

Anyway back to the god squad. These guys are responding to actual physical proof by saying evolution is probably true. Some fundamentalists or 'mentalists as I will refer to them (just to save me typing the long word, I know you wouldn't want me to get repetetive strain injury) have responded with well thought out cutting arguments to the contrary. The 'mentalists have responded by calling these enlightened people

"Christian whores, atheists and worse" (taken from the article)

Well, if they are going to use logic like that I guess that's the argument over. Kant at his finest couldn't have thrust his rapier wit at us with more accuracy. On the one hand we have the years of accumulated evidence. Fossils, carbon dating, Darwins work etc etc etc blah blah blah. On the other we have a book written by someone a couple of thousand years ago and revised by some other people at a later date.

I even saw a guy on TV (the Dawkins program The root of all evil) get angry because he said Dawkins had called his children monkeys. Can you say idiot? We said evolved from monkeys not are monkeys and if evolution is not true and people didn't evolve from monkeys explain George W Bush. Huh? huh? Go on. Explain that simian motherfucker.

Ok people may need their faith. I believe a person can be an athiest and still a moral person. In fact I believe you will never see a moral athiest commit atrocities like burning elderly woman at the stake or torturing people to make them admit they worship some horny red devil (Actually there was this girl at a club in Brighton dressed like satan in red leather who I would happily fall to my knees in front of, no need to get the whip out she had brought her own). Only Religion (or a strong belief system) can make otherwise good people perform acts of evil.

Ok , so far I have avoided excessively mentioning the rage. It's there though. I cannot describe the incandescent, lava like rage I got when I heard that people actually had to legally challenge a school to get them to stop teaching intelligent design (The argument from design is a crappy attempt to state that physically we are so complex there must be a designer ie god. This theory was taken on in philosophy years ago and debunked (again using evidence and also logical thought). If you must, read the blind watchmaker by Dawkins for an explanation as I cannot be arsed trotting out the arguments). I guess I should also mention the pride I felt when those guys and gals in Dover(USA) won! Yay Shermans!

Religion is a private matter. Believe what you like just don't try to thrust it down my throat (another statement made to me by a very polite lady). Further don't teach it in schools. Kids are gullible, they should have time to develop a personality before someone tries to brainwash them. The Jesuits used to say, ‘Give me a child for the first seven years, and you may do what you like with him afterwards'(Google it if you must). I find this disturbing on a whole bunch of levels given some of the court cases against catholic priests recently but I also feel it shows a get 'em young attitude that smacks of indoctrination.

It's not the fact that people believe in God that bothers me, it's that some of them seem to resent me for not believing. How does it hurt them? Do I turn up on their doorstep and ask if they have ever thought about looking at scientific proof? Do I chant outside their church? Do I sex up their little Christian Hotties? Ok that last ones a fair cop but she did shout out the word god at one point.

The other thing that gives me the rage is the complete refusal to even consider that they might be wrong.

Me - Just look at this fossil
'mentalist - No.
Me - Go on look at it
'mentalist - No, it's a lie. My book says so.
Me - You know Darwin...
'mentalist - La la la I am not listening. The book is true. I may not have any proof but it's true and you are going to hell. I shall be in heaven where I can watch all those sinners burn. I shall lean back against the cloud and watch the show as they all cook like sausages on a BBQ.
Me - Not a very Christian attitude. What about the Forgiveness bit?
'mentalist - Burn sinner. Die die die.
Me - Asshat

So to sum up, believe what you like. Let me believe what I like. Teach your own kids to be open minded. You can have faith and still keep touch with reality. Please don't discount science, it makes baby jesus cry!

Decorating decorum

Hello. Been a while. Going to be a bit longer too as I am off to sort out my flat. This has been going on for about three months already. Three months of living in something resembling a bombsite. Three months of eating rubbish food as my kitchen is out of order. Reminds me of my student days. I have started to write about it a few times but before I could get started the red mist came (anyone seen Jack Dee describe his father as a decorating werewolf?).

You remember all the DIY programs? We have lots in blighty. Full of smug people who obviously know which way up to hold a saw. All whistling and bustling while they transform some dowdy old room into the cistine chapel. All calm. None of them with that look of "What the hell have i just sawn through? Does it hold up/carry/conduct anything essential or life threatening?".

The thing is, they always have some DIY genius floating about in the background to step in when things get a bit tricky. I don't have one of those. I just have me. Well I showed them. I stripped the walls, some of it with my teeth during a fugue state of fury. I have finally prepped the room ready for the pro's to come in and fit my new kitchen (not the best job in the world but in a state I can finish when the building work is done).

What I should have done is pay the extra cash and let them sort out everything. It wasn't the cash you know, I think I needed to feel I had done something. Made a contribution. Something to show I am not a distaster around manual stuff. Something to impress women with. "Yeah, I used a drill the other day. Got a special holster for it and everything. I'm thinking of buying a hardhat! Wait. Don't go. I can put up shelves. I CAN PUT UP SHE..HEL..HELVES!"

Ok so maybe it wont impress anyone but it's essential to the mens psyche. It used to be easy. We used to be able to start fires in the cave and stand around it will a big stick or club some small animal and half char it to feed the tribe. What do we have these days? Decorating? Doing the 9-5 doesn't really give the same satisfaction as doing the Sabre Tooth. Time to get tough, time to buy a power tool, time to brush the sweat from our forehead with a gritty arm while being backlit and posing impressively to the thumping base of 'eye of the tiger'.

Anyway I wont post for a bit unless the rage takes me before I leave. Now go away I am off to do some baking!

The way of the pepper mill

I may have the odd quirk. You know little things that you do that might be considered a bit odd? Don't leave me hanging here, we all have them. Anyone? Just me? Really?

Anyway somebody has to be the first to own up to them and as I am not hearing much from you lot I guess it will have to be me.I am not talking OCD just habits we get into, especially if you live alone.

I am a culinary Ninja. I didn't know this about myself until it was pointed out to me, but I am. I can only assume that the master that taught me (some frail little Japanese guy with a wispy beard and the ability to kick your lungs out I assume) did some Ninja hypnosis on me and supressed the memories until the time comes when I am needed to save the world.

What gave me away? How was the pasta assassin unmasked? Not by cooking dressed in black or by moving through the kitchen like the wind, not even by accidently taking on a dinner guest in single combat before snapping their spine over my knee. No, I was unmasked by the way I add pepper to food.

I approach the pan that needs seasoning with my pepper grinder. I assume the stance of the pepper pot. My feet are a little more than shoulder width apart, this gives me the balance to move fast in any direction. My left hand grasps the shaft of the pepper mill to refine my aim. We don't want pepper going everywhere do we? My right hand turns the grinder on the top of the mill, as my pepper mill is over a foot long this results in my right elbow being stuck in the air.

This may result in me looking a little silly but then Mr Miagi looked like a bit of a plum when applying the crane kick to the nose of a karate teacher who had forgetten the gentle teachings of the art (or perhaps just gave him some lip). You wont be laughing when the fate of the world is resting in my hands and I am locked in single combat with an evil genius armed only with my faithful pepper mill. Thought not.

It seems best that I continue my life as a mild mannered hobby cook until I am needed. When the time comes perhaps I can get another pepper mill and link them with chain like spicy nunchuks. I could take on the evil genius and make sure that dinner has the correct amount of pep.

"would you like some pepper?...... Yeah, you better run!"

Where has the fury gone?

Ok my people. I have no more rage for you. I have only the melancholy sadness that a woman or lack thereof can produce. Not being a much of a swimmer I tend to paddle in the shallows of romance. Don't get me wrong, I have been known to take a dip (even the occasional channel crossing covered in goose fat). A couple of times in the past I have depth charged into the deepest water I can find, which can induce a fear of drowning.

Now that I have torn the arse out of that metaphor we can move onto the straight talking that you and I have enjoyed in the short time we have known each other. I meet women all the time but it's not often I meet one that I like. Rare as hens teeth, rare as classy sportswear, rare as bushs' brain cells (I could go on as this is actually a lot of fun but I had best stop before I appear like a muttering version of rainman without the mathematical ability).

So I met this girl. She lives the other side of the pond. That's a little too far for dating. Of course I am assuming that she would want to. Just for arguments sake. No, not just to stroke my ego. SHUT UP DAMN IT.

Wait.... I think..... Yes the rage is back! I am annoyed that I only seem to meet interesting women that I can't have. Or perhaps I am annoyed that I only like those that I really shouldn't get involved with. Believe me, the list is long. Many disasters with the occasional bright moment. I wouldn't want you to get the idea that every relationship was a trainwreck, some were with girls that are way cool (to steal an Americanism ) you know who you are girls.

Ok so we have the rage but I am not sure what at. It's a kind of general background annoyance. I may actually be angry at me. This could get ugly. I need to talk calmly to myself which I know just makes me angrier. Am I doing this on purpose? Do I really want to go there? Do I want to bring up that stupid knuckle biting stuff I have done in the past? Would I care to step outside and say that again? Oh yeah? Me and whose army?

Ok people I have to go. This argument should clearly be held behind closed doors (very thick doors). On the bright side I have ditched the melancholia and found my rage. Also how can I fail to win row with myself!