You have to love an Ozzie

http://www.wirecrack.com/media/1154356803/Anti-gay_Protester_Gets_Hit_On

The protesters were pretty funny before the Austrailian guy started mocking them. Check out the placards. Apparently they are anti gay but one woman who's idea of repartee is to repeat 'have a nice day pervert' had 'God hates cripple soldiers' written on hers.

Was she at the wrong protest? What does this sign mean? What does she have against disabled soldiers? Perhaps she is picking on a weaker target? After all it's probably not a good idea to threaten a navy seal with combat stress!

I love the way that the guy runs to his wife for protection. Mind you I suspect her of being a man anyway.

It's weird, I dislike these people for their views but at the same time I am really amused by them. There should be a bigots roadshow. I could listen to these guys for hours. Set up a bar, some snacks and watch these guys make fools of themselves, now that is entertainment.

It's Friday, by thor, time for all right minded people to kick back with a cold one and forget about that workaday stress. I have a nice weekend planned and quite frankly these last few hours of work are right in the way.

Laters

Son of a Bitch Part Deux

Got my cards back.

Chappie found them ditched on the floor of the place where I lost it. I figure that I dropped it and some kids ditched the contents and kept the wallet. Anyway I went and collected my cards.

Slipped the geezer some cash as it was a pretty decent thing he did. He tracked me down when he could have just ignored the cards. I consider that to be behaviour worthy of reinforcement. I would have stood the guy a few pints but I had to get back to work so I thought he'd understand if I gave him cash so he could have some beers on me.

Still pissed off with myself but it's not the end of the world. Definitely a lesson to be learned there.

I tried to make my friend a birthday cake last night. Didn't work out. Looks like a bowl. Smells amazing and tastes pretty good but didn't rise properly. I think I know what I did wrong though, so I will have a another go at it tonight. I am not blowing my own trumpet (if only eh?) but I generally tend to have things that I cook or bake come out correctly so I was pretty surprised when this went so badly.

Going to be off for a couple of days as I have stuff to take care of. Not in a mafia, double tap some bloke kind of way but in a things to do people to see way.

This week is turning out to be a bit of a roller coaster.

Son of a Bitch

I lost my damn wallet last night.

Had it on my knee in the car went shopping for a bit then it was gone. I figured I dropped it and somebody picked it up. It's not the inconvenience that it could have been as I recently got a new wallet and had only transferred my cards to it.

Obviously I cancelled my cards immediately. All the sentimental irreplaceable stuff was still in my old wallet, although I am a little pissed off that my new wallet is gone as I selected it carefully as a replacement.

I should have some new cards soon and a friend gave me some cash to be going on with but I am......


Holy crap. I have just had a call. Some guy found my wallet and called me to give it back. I need to go collect it tonight.

Just when I was cursing everyone and thinking that all people were thieving scum some bloke does a really good deed.

All is right with the world.

Gobsmacked

I had a bit of a moment Friday evening.

While wandering out of work to meet a friend I got caught in a bit of weather. Now I talk of it being a bit of weather in the same way I'd talk of the notting hill carnival as being a bit crowded.

Basically it was pissing down.

I sensibly took shelter and waited it out. As luck would have it the rain had started to tail off when I got a call to say my friend was where we had arranged to meet. I grabbed my stuff and headed out.

Halfway there the sun came out. It was still raining a bit but the sunshine was brilliant, like a summers day. I was strolling by some trees when I literally gasped at how beautiful everything was. The sun was reflecting through the rain, scattering light. There was that clean, fresh smell you get after a torrential downpour. The sunshine was strong enough to warm my face. I found myself grinning like a fool.

The other thing that made it such an arresting experience was how ephemeral it was. I was walking and suddenly it was like someone had opened a door to another place. I took maybe three steps and it was over.

A case of being in the right place at the right time and lucky enough to catch the show.

I'd like to introduce you to my purple headed monkey

Ok, I know it's low brow and purile but it makes me laugh.

Don't get all high and mighty now. I am sure you all laugh at the occasional knob joke and that farts make you giggle.

It just amuses me to be able to say 'I'd like to show you my purple headed monkey'.

Oh come on! That's good stuff!

Anyway, as I head rapidly towards my 100th post and it seems that this blogging malarky isn't some flash in the pan fad that I have taken up, I have decided to start making my Blog a bit more interesting.

I have no qualms about nicking ideas from others so adopting a creature seemed like a nice idea. Of course I may decide otherwise in the future and have to do the virtual equivalent of taking him out back and letting light through him.

Until that day please feel free to make up your own knob jokes.

It's Friday by all that's holy,let's get pished!

Split personality and public relations

When you provide a service for people you frequently need to keep a tight rein on your mouth. You need to do this more so in a position where you deal with an external client but even when you are in a support role internally you cannot just let loose.

This is not always as easy as it seems.

Do any job long enough and someone will do something so asinine, incredibly stupid that not only is keeping your cool tricky but you have to restrain yourself from actually squeezing the life from them.

It's at this point that you should stop. Remember that everything works along a probability curve. Sooner or later you are going to hit the crazy end of it. The low probability tip of the bell curve. Too many standard deviations from the mean. Sooner or later everyone will score a direct hit on the unlikely end of the curve.

Working with people is hard. You either turn into one of those officious bitter people (think British Rail) or you will mellow into an almost zen state. Buddha wasn't a god, he just used to work in customer service for AOL.

With me it's still touch and go. Some days I float though my job like a cross between a Warrior monk and the fonze. My outlook is calm and I am at peace. No problem is too big or too small for the wisdom I have attained. There is, in fact, no spoon.

Other days? Well they are not as good. When I have to deal with the person who filled their laptop up with a mixture of heavily sugared coffee and yoghurt and yet is still trying to tell me how it's my fault there most certainly is a fucking spoon and that spoon is sharpened into a prison shank.

So far all I have learned to do is fake it. My face looks as calm and helpful in either state. the only difference is that in the second state my eyes seem to be screaming and when I get somewhere private I curl into a ball and whimper while I suck my thumb.

When faced with the hard of thinking hold on to that mask, keep all sharp items out of reach, smile. The alternative just leads to your neighbours on the news saying things like, "He always kept himself to himself", or, "He was always so quiet".

One day I am going to write a survival guide to dealing with people.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yer scurvy dogs!

Although I hate to interrupt the pure flow of topical thought that is this blog I feel I should pass on the news that today is International Talk like a pirate day.

Not that this is something I knew before about 20 minutes ago, although I do have a vague recollection of some drunken conversation that took place somewhere. Anyway I know now thanks to a timely reminder.

So you scurvy bunch of bloganeers, ye had all better be talkin the talk before I keelhaul the lot of yer. Arrrrrrr etc.

Come to think of it it's a pretty weird thing to do (Ah-haaaaaaaaar dubloons)why not have a talk like a French viscount day? Or talk like Freud day? Oh wow, how about talk like top cat day (cutlass, cutlass, mainbrace etc).

I could get on board with pretty much all of these suggestions. Pirates are seriously awesome but there is so much out there that is also awesome, do you really want to miss it(pieces of eight)?

Did you know that the sail that hangs off the back of a three master is called a spanker? Brilliant. You couldn't make this stuff up (Shiver me timbers).

I'd best head for the Spanish main (I have no idea so don't ask) and sing a shanty. May even do a little hornpipe (I had no idea that would sound as filthy as it does).

Arrrrrrrrrr.

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

http://www.piratequiz.com/

The gun in our pants

Ever been to a urinal and had a target? You know, some pubs have taken to painting a fly in the urinal to provide a target, it actually reduces the amount of wee wee (to be polite) that hits the floor! Genius huh?

For you ladies there are a whole lot of things to consider at the urinal. First what sort is it? Individual basins or a long trough?

Next where to stand? There could be a book written on this. You never stand next to someone unless there is no other choice. If two people are there ahead of you, you stand equidistant from them.

All very tricky but it's all made worthwhile if while at the urinal you see something in the trough which you can pee at. A cigarette butt will do.

It did occur to me that this could go dreadfully wrong if it were a long trough and the pee-er was an obsessive compulsive.

They'd take aim and start peeing the butt towards the plug hole. As the butt increased speed, so would they. Knocking aside other chaps taking a slash they'd chase the butt to it's terminus. I assume that during this chase they'd push in front of people and so would be soaked in urine.

I imagine them slopping back to their date, soaked in piss (and most likely covered in bruises). Would they worry? Would they even wash their hands? It seems silly to worry about hygiene when you smell like an OAP home. Are they on they way to a club where people wee on each other anyway?

Do these clubs have a dress code? If you show up already dripping would you be turned away? Do they, inquiring minds want to know, require a tie?

Why the hell do they do it? I am pretty liberal (read the blog title) but I don't get it. I don't mind if people want to do that but WHY? It can't be good for your skin surely? You will hum like a badger too. Still whatever floats your boat eh?

So, we have our hero standing by the table. His amour is sitting down, probably joining the rest of the restaurant staring at Mr Pee Pee. There will be whispers as the gents he interfered with in the lawful execution of their toilet explain to their dates why they may have a moderate amount of splashback upon them.

Everyone. Is. Staring.

and lets face it. It's fair enough. It's not like he didn't shake it effectively and there is an embarrassing ten pence sized wet patch. It's dripping from his ears.

What he says next could determine his sex life for the foreseeable. Does he brazen it out? Take a seat and resume dinner like nothing has occurred and he doesn't smell like a tramp? Does he try to bluster some excuse about being mugged by a pervert who then marked him like territory? Does he(ahem)come clean?

A situation like this would be a defining moment and how it was dealt with would show a lot about the kind of guy he is.

I may have lost the way a little with this blog. I think it started out about how it'd be nice if urinals had targets so that they would smell less like baboon houses. Obviously I have found an important social question. How do you explain to the girl you are having dinner with the reason you are dripping piss mere inches from her gazpacho?

Something to think about for the weekend. For those of you scoffing and saying, "that'll never happen to me", won't it my friend, won't it? Wouldn't you prefer to have a game plan ready for when your girlfriend is sitting there, mouth open, spoonful of soup halfway there and forgotten. Hmmmmm?

Food for thought.

Not waving but drowning

Ever had one of those days? Shovelling the brown stuff against the tide?

I have a job like that. Somedays I feel like Sisyphus. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I couldn't do better for coworkers but it's tough.

I have had some jobs that were way worse. My last job I just quit. I managed to work my notice without punching anyone or suggesting that they tried inserting stuff into themselves but it was a very close thing.

The job before that I also quit but that was a case of a manic CEO advised by a simplton who had managed to absorb enough management speak to impress the uninitiated but had proved impervious to any form of useful knowledge. I knew I was in trouble the day he gave me the career talk and drew me some graphs to illustrate the two paths I could take.

The path I wanted to take was directly to the door. From there I hoped to get as far from this idiot as possible. I had run into the phenomenon of the waste of space manager. He had mastered the wearing of suits and shaving. I bet he even managed to get his shoes on the right feet most of the time. What he seemed unable to do was to manage staff. Just talking to the trouser snake made my fists itch.

People at the top are called the cream, I can only assume as the cream floats to the top of the milk. I have another analogy, the sewer. We all know what floats to the top there. Or perhaps the swamp where the scum floats on the surface.

I have seen managers that I would trust with anything. People who genuinely care for their people and get the best from them. I have also seen managers who could easly be replaced by a computer that randomly changed stuff and shouted a bit. What I have observed is that companies in general seem unable to tell them apart.

The company, as a gestalt organism, is frequently oblivious to the malignant cells within it. I would suggest a group within a company that is charged with rooting out the incompetent and possibly the homicidal. Wouldn't you just love to work in that job? To catch the useless arse that's making everybody else's life difficult and tell them to sling their hook?

Pretty sweet job.

On the bright side, being kept busy makes the day flash past. So all in all I am a happy little monkey!

Do you know the muffin man?

Been off. Bloody pleurisy reared its ugly head again. Apparently going back to the gym so soon was a bit of an error but like the man says, you can take away my rights, my health and even my life but you can't take away the hard on I use to fuck your mother.

So I am back. A bit beaten about. Not on top form by any means but cool enough for school.

Anyway I was a bit down, house bound and feeling exhausted. On my won as everyone else is at work. So to cheer myself up I made muffins! A good friend gave me the recipe for my birthday and they aren't too tricky. It gave me some ideas which I will have a go at and you will either hear about here or on the news when the food poisoning deaths start.

Just thought I'd mention it.

It's quite a weird feeling being happy to be back at work. It's funny how quickly the fun drains out of being at home when you are too ill to build forts or disco dance. There should be some rule that if you are ill and you drag your scabby carcase in then the time you are ill can be taken off when you are well and can enjoy it! What's the use of being off work for weeks if all you can do is lay there and try not to die?

Anyway I am back and ready to bust a cap in the irritating wrinkles of life.

Laters.