Friday, June 30, 2006

A suggested topic

Now, I don't usually take direction about my blog. I tend to waffle on about whatever happens to be in my head when my fingers hit the keyboard.

Anyway, after getting a haircut last night I accidentally went to the pub (never mind how, just be aware that it wasn't intentional). A couple of drinks with friends led to a couple of discussions, in one my blog was mentioned (when I get a rant I am usually told to shut up and blog it, fair enough I reckon after all that's what this blog is about).

The suggestion I got, once the person realised I had a blog was to talk about girls wearing more than one necklace.

Apparently some people think the Mr T look is very snazzy. Alright people I shall say this only once (to paraphrase a shit sitcom), a lot of gold jewelry on show is chavvy.

This may be the look you are going for and if so fair enough. I fully support people rights to wear what they like. I also support the right to laugh at chavs, I can't help it. Sovereign rings? Gold clown pendants? Big thick gold chains worn over the shell suit?

Fuck no. Not on my manor (actually wear what you like I just wanted to say 'not on my manor').

Anyway the girls I was with had a conversation about another girl who had a bunch of gold necklaces on. I tend to agree with the gist of it. The effect of jewelry isn't cumulative. One carefully selected necklace can look stylish and accentuate the outfit you have on (oh yeah, fashion talk from the pipster!), a 10 chains does not equal ten time as stylish. Just as ten coats does not make a bag lady into a millionaire.

On the topic of chavs I didn't realise that chav was a subculture like straight edge or gothic. I just thought it was a result of shit taste and a lot of pike. I was surprised to discover that it's actually an intended look and behavior pattern! Who would have thought that wearing sports wear, a bunch of shitty jewelry and having an attitude was intentional! Mind you, if I saw a goth for the first time I would have suspected they had got dressed in the dark.

Anyway, upshot? I think I might be getting old as I am looking at kids and going "what the fuck do you look like?". There is probably a moral here or some sort of uplifting message if you can be bothered to search for it. I can't.

I think I am fully on the side of freedom of expression. Wear what you like, just don't be surprised if society mocks you for it (See the chavscum link in my sidebar)!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Caffine

I am a pretty healthy guy. I watch what I eat. I do a little exercise each day. I have been vegetarian since I was nineteen.

This is not to say I haven't been a complete animal when the situation warranted it and it warranted it a lot in uni (and a fair bit after but that's a whole different story). Anyway, I have always eschewed hot drinks. I always preferred a cold drink, despite my mother telling me that a hot drink would cool me down (Thanks Peter). Later I tried to avoid additives including caffine.

I have seen the light. Hallelujah! Praise the coffee cup. Ok, caffine is brilliant (I know you all know this, but I am excited about it, why would you spoil that for me, huh? WHY?). I am still trying to keep it to a minimum. A cup at breakfast and one at lunch but it perks me up all day. Also I heard in new scientist that a couple of cups can help shield the liver from the damage alcohol can cause (I may have mentioned this a while back, as you'd already know if you cared enough to read the older entries, what kind of people are you? First you try to ruin my newfound joy with coffee then you don't even bother to read the older entries? You make P1P sad).

Anyway, fan of coffee. and tea. Especially as it's free at work. and it's decent coffee and tea not the reconstituted urine that you get from a lot of machines.

It may make me a bit overactive and I tend to babble but it's certainly worth it in the productivity sense.

Whoo hoo.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Quest

I am looking for a new most worthwhile site. The old one was great. Some guy bet his girlfriend that he could get a bunch of hits on a website. The stakes? A threesome. I was happy to contribute to such a worthwhile cause. He won and, I assume, got the chimmy changa. After all, who could stay with a girl who would welch on a bet?

Anyway I moved it to the old most worthwhile sites category as our job there was done. Now I need a new site that is awesome enough to step into the enormous shoes of 'help me win this bet'.

This quest is not easy. The A team had it easy. People came to them. I have to seek out the cause that deserves to be Most worthwhile site!

Any ideas?

NB I reserve the right to tell you how wrong you are.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Rubbish Illness

Been away for a while on training. Felt a little dodgy while I was there (1 week). I am back at work now and still feeling a bit crappy. So, anyway I went to the doctors and got my throat looked at.

In a small aside, I met a particularly hot girl in the surgery called Helen. Is it weird to meet people in the docs?

Anyway the nurse (who was really sympathetic to me being rubbish) took a look and told me that I had a slightly inflamed throat. What the hell is that? My throat is a bit red, that's it.

So, I get to feel a little bit crappy but not enough to take time off. Actually I shouldn't complain that I am not more sick should I?

I try not to get the man flu. You know, having a cold and spending a week in bed complaining? I tend to head in unless I am feeling really rough but sometimes I think I should take time when I just feel a little shitty. Surely even feeling a bit dodgy effects your work.

Oh well, I will soldier on like a hero (ALL SAY I AM A HERO, DAMN IT OR I AM GOING HOME TO SULK).

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Insomnia

Not just an excellent tune but a bit of a curse for those of us who have to deal with it. I have had bouts of insomnia on and off since I was a kid. So it goes. I tend to moan about it, although I am trying not to as it bores people and who wants to be a bore? My alternative? Moan to you! Still boring I know but my friends get a break.

I get a couple of types. Either I just can't get to sleep or I wake up at about 3am for no apparent reason. I read a lot so usually I just pick up whatever book I am reading and resign myself to being tired.

Anyway, I was reading the new scientist and there was an article that said a couple of cups of coffee can help with concentration and even help prevent cirrhosis of the liver. Good deal huh? Also it allows me to understand simple instructions when I am in an insomnia cycle.

I have always avoided coffee and tea but now I am trying a couple of cups a day. It's for my health people! Just waiting for the new scientist to announce that drinking in the morning is good for you and I am set.

So anyway, I have been known to have strange dreams which make me thrash about a bit. I have had reports from girls who have shared my bed. Once I had a dream I was a Viking and kicked my friend all night. I didn't realise I was doing it I was just off to pillage some village but it resulted in me getting medieval in my sleep. I heard about it the following morning!

So last night I was off to do some show or other with some friends and I opened the door and a damn vampire nearly had my head off, there was quite a cool bit where it couldn't cross the threshold of the house (Oh yes, I know my vampire lore my friend, even in my sleep, I am like a cross between van Helsing and rip van winkle) and flattened out like someone running into a window.

Oh, by the way, this was a dream, ok.

This dream ended up with me kneeling on it with a crucifix (atheist I know, but apparently traditionalist too!) while my friends tried to pound a broken pool cue into it's heart. We missed and had to try again. Actually a pretty funny dream. I know, I know it makes me sound a bit crazy but it was kind of ridiculous. Me yelling "left a bit, left a bit", while my friend took a mallet to the bloodsucker. My alarm went off on the second try.

Quite an interesting dream, I have no idea where it came from. I am sure analysts could have a field day. My theory sometimes the brain throws some crazy crap at you. Try to enjoy it.


Anyway, I am off to arrange my collection of human heads in my fridge.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Three Lions

If you live on the planet, you may have noticed that the world cup began the other day.

First, I have to make some confessions. I am not a huge sports fan. I watch some sports but most bore me pretty quickly. I used to be pretty keen on taking part but age and injury and common sense put paid to that.

Having said that, I will be watching the England matches, I will be on the edge of my seat and chances are when England score I will be wiping beer off the walls (a good reason to watch footie in the pub).

I got that feeling the other day when England scored against Paraguay and it usually grows over the world cup. All that tension and hope seems to seep into every part of everyday life. We discuss it at work (and watch it if we can), I end up in the pub with mates watching it, three lions sang by a crowd gives me goosebumps.

I have been crushed in the past when England was knocked out, yet I still share the hope we as a country have that this year an England captain will once again hoist the cup.

Shit, I am even irritating myself with this. Sooner it's done the better.

Angry, well slightly piqued.

It's Monday. Mondays are never my best day. I get insomnia from time to time and the heat hasn't made it any easier. It must be over a month since I had a good nights sleep. Despite all of this I am still not onto the richter scale of rage. Just a bit pissed off.

Anyway, I am looking for another most worthwhile website. The bet has had it's day. I am glad that I contributed in some small way to the guy getting his lady sandwich but the time has come to find another contender. Some laudable quest that I can (in a small and little effort way) help.



NB It seems as if the bet website has gone bye bye. I couldn't get to it earlier. Shame really as I thought it was a brilliant idea.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Sweet as, mate

Today I have no anger. I can read the news, whatever but nothing is going to shake this mood of tranquility.

It's a beautiful day. It's the sort of day that inspired Birch. Blue sky, warm sun, just enough breeze to cool you down.

Ok, so I am at work but it's Friday which is weekend. I have a nice chilled weekend planned. Had a BBQ last night (a man with a fire and a stick to poke it with is a happy man, the beer was just the cherry on the cake) going to a nice resturant for dinner tonight. Can it get better?

Don't get spoiled, sooner or later the rage will return and then......


oh you just wait my friend.

Have a good one!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Like picking a scab

I cannot let it alone. Perhaps I should stop reading the news?

Zarqawi has bit the big one. Blair describes it as good news.

Fair enough, he was an asshole. Hate filled and determined to keep the killing going. Ken Bigley's brother said he was glad he was off the face of the world but displayed an unstandable attitude when he said that

""Personally, I would rather have seen him captured and made to stand in the dock and face justice for what he's done.
"If that had happened, I would like to have seen him locked up for life rather than given the death penalty."
The death penalty was "too quick for someone like him", he said.
"But I won't lose any sleep over him being dead.
"I'm not worried that he's gone.""

It highlights something I don't want to feel. Joy at anyone's death is wrong. No matter what they did. Yes he needed to be removed (it would have been better to capture him and put him away but there you go) but we should never feel glad someone is dead.

I remember how I felt when I saw people dancing in the street on TV when 11/9 happened (bite me yanks, we put our days and months round the right way). I was horrified that normal citizens of the country in question could be happy that so many people had died. It was obscene to see their happy smiling faces. I don't ever want to be like that. If we let ourselves become that which we are fighting we have already lost.

Yes he was killed. I don't feel joy about it, it just had to be done like putting a rabid dog down. It's safer that it isn't around anymore.


The other thing I saw and wanted to mention on a less serious note.

The England flag can promote racism! Apparently in Wales the locals don't like it if English fans fly the flag of St George (according to the chief constable of north Wales).

Nope. Sorry. Racists promote racism not flags. Anyone kicking off because someone flies a flag is just looking for an excuse. I support the right of people to fly whatever flag they like without some dickhead giving them crap for it.

The funny thing is that the Welsh MP David Jones described the flags as innocuous and said Wolfendale (the chief constable) was completely misguided.

Wolfendale (who's British) said it's ok during the world cup but all the flag stuff on cars is unnecessary. I am always amused at people being against stuff on behalf of others who don't really care.

I think it looks just a little bit pikey having a flag up on your house or on your car but it's their house/car so it's fine by me. If any of my Welsh friends want to get an enormous Welsh flag out that'd be sweet. All the St George's crosses make it look like the BNP has come to town.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5059326.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5058576.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/5058132.stm

P1PP1N the next generation

Big day today. My little sister has hit thirty.

This has come home to roost in a way my own thirtieth never did. Not in an 'oh shit I am headed for decrepitness or death' kind of way. More in a realisiation that I am no longer one of the new generation. With my sister and friends with kids there is a whole new generation coming along. It's pretty cool.

The question is do I grow up? Do I straighten up and fly right? Hell no. It's my right as uncle P1P to be irresponsible, to be a bad influence to do all the fun stuff. It's nice being an uncle, I show up and we have fun then I leave. I guess I neatly avoid all of the difficult bits of being a parent. I probably miss a lot of the rewarding stuff also (so I am told) but at the moment it's enough.

I just screwed up. I normally just type what's in my head and let it flow onto the screen unchanged. It seems to be cheating to constantly fiddle with a blog entry (except for a quick once over to check for glaring spelling or grammatical errors). If I were to polish each entry too much you wouldn't be getting the unfiltered P1P and I wouldn't get the benefit of the therapy! Anyway I screwed up by trying to open a large file midway through typing this and losing it all. This is retyped. I didn't try to recreate it I just started again and let it happen. Don't look at me like that it was an honest mistake not cheating. I don't care for recriminations!

Anyway it's hot as arse today. Anyone familiar with the British will know about our weather obsession. It's discussed a lot. Where I come from people will look at the sky in some sort of mystical way and say "speaks of rain" or "it talks of rain". I have no idea what is doing the speaking or the talking. Perhaps they refer to some unattractive or sexually ambiguous local weather person?

Anyway the Brit's have a fetish for the weather. We tend to moan about bad weather a lot and wait all year for those days of sunshine, but as soon as the thermometer gets over 'a bit warm' we fall to pieces. We yearn for the summer but will spend a lot of time saying how we like it hot but not this hot. Peter Kaye hit the nail on the head when he talked about it.

I like to think I am a little more easy going than the average. Having been about a bit I have felt some heat and Blighty can't really compare. Mind you I am still damn hot!

I am lucky that my place of work has a very chilled attitude about dress code. The shorts and 3/4 length trousers are out in force. I may test this if it gets any hotter by stripping to my pants (shorts to our colonial cousins).

Anyway today is a good day for a lot of reasons and tonight I am going to top it off with a barbecue and a few beers in the sunshine. If life were any better I just couldn't live with myself!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Walk the line?

My previous post made mention of this and, as I am sick of talking about big world events, lets chat about something that really tugs on the scrotum of my rage.

In England we have roundabouts. For all of my world brothers and sisters who don't have these they are basically circles at the point where a number of roads meet. You travel clockwise round them and give way to your right. Some of them have lines on the road to make it clear which lane you are in. These lines circumnavigate the roundabout and peel off towards the exit they are intended for.

What bugs me is the people who can't work this out. They start in the outside lane and still cross into your lane on their way off the roundabout. It's like they are following some racing line. They move across the roundabout with all the awareness of a sacred cow and some even have the nerve to get annoyed when you beep them.

It's such a simple system. You drive you car between the white lines. People who can't manage this probably shouldn't be in control of the fast moving hunk of metal that is a motorised vehicle. In fact people who cannot stay within two lines probably shouldn't be trusted with the television control.

Maybe they could add it to the driving test. You know, parallel parking, three point turn, driving within lines, not being a complete fucking fool.

"Well Mr Smith, you managed to park the car fine and you certainly know your road signs but you failed to stay within those lines like I asked you to and you appear to be dribbling like a wanking chimp. I am afraid you have failed, perhaps you could get a tricycle and join the circus. You moron."

I am buying a tank. Cut in front of me and I will turn your car into a metallic doormat.

SSDD

I really do want to stay away from the news but each day brings so many more things to be pissed off about.

I am going to try to combine it into a mini rage so I can get onto important things like lane discipline on roundabouts (you know who you are you bunch of wankers).

First.

The Peers are kicking off about the smoking ban. For all you that don't know, we have parliament where our MPs avoid work, make sheep noises when others are talking, have affairs and generally behave badly and then we have the house of Lords (where the same is done just in a different location). Now, we elect our MPs to represent our wishes (theoretically as they seem to do whatever the fuck they like) the Lords don't seem to be elected but get the job due to their peerage. The Lords can try to block things that have passed in the house. Slightly annoying but no one seems to notice. I am not sure how sensible it is to have unelected people debate anything but that's England for you. Totally unable to ditch a bad idea as it's traditional.

Well these 'lords' have complained about the ban on smoking in public places. They have described it as not justified by the health risks from passive smoking.

Now this law was passed by a huge majority by of elected officials so who gives a shit what the chinless ones think? Apparently the MPs failed to consider the evidence that passive smoking is more risky in the home.

Huh? And? I am sure that guns are more risky in Iraq but that doesn't mean we shouldn't ban them in England. Also if someone decides to smoke in their home they only put themselves and their family at risk.

This ban is not curtailing personal freedom. You can smoke. You can stick a cigar up your arse and try to inhale that way if you like. You are just not being allowed to force everyone else to breathe it too. Whatever your opinion, this has already been decided by landslide voting of people we elected so why should another group get to nix it?

My particular favourite quote comes from Simon Clark of Forrest (smokers lobby group)

"The threat of passive smoking is based on extremely dubious estimates, calculations and guesswork.

"The evidence is highly subjective and doesn't stand up to close scrutiny.

"If there is a risk it is very small and it certainly doesn't justify a ban on smoking in every pub, club and restaurant in the country."

Well Simon I take it back. Clearly we were wrong. All those studies showing the links to cancer from passive smoking. Come on people blow your smoke at me. Simon is from Forrest the smokers lobby group (any chance this has funding directly from, or from companies linked to, tobacco companies I wonder?) he wouldn't lie to us. Also however slight the risk is Simon I'd rather not take it, you yellow fingered, smoke stinking wank bucket (I have assumed he smokes for the sake of the insult if this is not the case then please accept my apologies and assume I am simply calling him a wank bucket).

I am hoping that these people get ignored as the asshats they are.


Second.

The home office has decided a specific law to ban forced marriages is not needed. Actually I agree with this. If you force someone to marry you can be charged with Kidnap, false imprisonment and/or rape. I think it's enough. I guess an extra law would give another offence to hang onto them which may get them an extra few months but it's a lot of effort (and public spending) for something that is already effectively banned.

The thing that pissed me off (and amused me a little) was the contention from pragma patel (chair of the Southall Black Sisters) that said

"We don't see the need for criminalisation of forced marriage, which is yet another way of stereotyping and criminalising entire communities at a time when there is heightened racism in this country."

In what way is this stereotyping anyone? It only criminalises the criminals. Either something is illegal or not. If you do it you are a criminal by definition that does not suggest that everyone who lives near you or shares a religion with you is the same. Weird.

The government has gone out of it's way to state they are not attacking the idea of arranged marriages. Neither am I for that matter. It's a cultural thing and a choice of the individual.

If you want to choose who you marry by throwing darts at pictures I am happy as long as we can all choose what we, as individuals, want. In fact I am sure I read some statistic that gave the chances of an arranged marriage succeeding (not ending in divorce) as hugely higher than the English DIY version.

Of course as there tends to be a cultural difference between people who generally have arranged marriages and people who don't it could be flawed reasoning. how about comparing arranged marriages and non arranged marriages within the same culture?.

Three.

An activist from the respect party has urged Muslims in East London to stop co-operating with the police.

This is in response to the raid where that chap got shot and the police as yet haven't turned up any evidence of a dirty bomb despite their claim of specific intelligence. If the police got screwed on intelligence then the bloke has a cast iron reason to be unhappy. I don't see what it has to do with Yvonne Ridley. The police targeted a house containing a couple of Englishmen after intelligence suggested they were terrorists. What else can they do?

I am really ticked off with this woman saying

(Muslims should) "boycott the police and refuse to co-operate with them in any way, shape or form."

and

"From today until this terrorist's of the Muslim community is stopped immediately, I believe all Muslims should withdraw their support,"

This goes from asking the community copper for directions to passing the time of day with a beat officer

"From today until this terrorisation of the Muslim community is stopped immediately, I believe all Muslims should withdraw their support," she said.

"This goes from asking the community copper for directions to passing the time of day with a beat officer.

"We should enforce non-co-operation."

To me it isn't a terrorisation of the Muslim community. It's an attempt to stop terrorists who may be hiding amongst the Muslim community. When England was suffering from IRA bomb attacks people with Irish accents or passports were targeted, this doesn't suggest to me that everyone who is Irish is IRA anymore that everyone who is British is BNP.

Now England (and I include English Muslims in this though I am pissed off I should even have to state this categorically) is under threat from the Taliban and other nutters of that ilk it seems sensible to look at people who are Muslims. Not exclusively as if we got silly all a terrorist would have to do is shave his head and pretend to be a hare Krishna. The fact is the Taliban is a Muslim organisation. If you want to cut wood the best place to go is to where there are trees.

This assertion that a community should stop cooperating with the police is ridiculous, even more so as it comes from a political party member. How does not helping each other do anything except to cut the Muslim community away from everyone else?

Ms Ridley (in my opinion) is a fucking idiot.

As I hate the way the news is all doom and gloom I am going to include a couple of stories that were ok.

It's suggested that people who get caught having sex in toilets will be fined £50 rather than get a jail term. Lets hope this goes through. I know people don't want to catch other people on the job in public but it's consensual so maybe we can cut them some slack.

British police are collaring hooligans trying to get to Germany for the match and giving them banning orders. Cool. Perhaps we wont need to be embarrassed this year by people who are just out for trouble.

Ok I am exhausted with all the angry news but it felt good to get it off my chest!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5053350.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5054286.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5054888.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5054600.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/5054190.stm

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Day of the Beast

Yes, well done, it's the 6th of the 6th of 2006. Or, as I call it, not even fucking close to 666.

So all you superstitious people can relax. There will be no antichrist, there will be no rapture and there will certainly be no armageddon. With the way Nuclear proliferation is growing and with the fact that people just can't seem to get on it may seem like armageddon but I am betting no matter how religious you are you are not going to get to watch it from a safe distance. The only cloud you'll be on is the mushroom cloud that has sucked up your incinerated ashes.

Anyway a little bird told me that Bush is trying to amend the constition so it's possible to ban Gay marriage without being unconstitional about it (a concept that is truely fucked up).

WHY? What the hell does he care? Why should it matter to anyone who isn't gay? I don't give a crap what people do as long as they don't force their wishes on other people. I have a bigger problem with the 'mentalists (my shorthand for fundamentalists see earlier blogs or bite my ass) than I do with gay people. Homosexuals don't turn up on my fucking doorstep asking if I would like to convert to gaydom. I have never heard of gay people shouting insults at straight people either (well not unless they have been shouted at first).

Seriously, what's the problem? Are you afraid that if gay people can get married then all married people will become gay? Worried that you will start to mince and lisp? Why does it matter what other people do?

We have a thing in blighty called a civil partnership. Bit of a waste of time if you ask me but fine. Why not allow anyone to get together with a civil partnership or allow anyone to get married? Would it be so bad?

While all the god squad are squawking about gay marriage are they making sure they obey the bible? How many of them have had sex before marriage? How many of them have been divorced? How many have broken the ten commandments? I seem to remember something from Sunday school about how if you have also done some sinning you had better put that fucking stone down. Also, when the fuck was stoning someone to death not a sin? Bring it in to modern times. When was shouting hatred at someone not a sin? When was having all that hate in you not a sin?

How can people claim to follow the word of god and still have all that hate inside them? People say "what would Jesus do?" then they go off and bomb an abortion clinic or scream hatred at gays. Think he would? Would Allah accept the murder of innocents in the cause of Jihad? If I believed in a god and I was one of these people I'd be cleaning my act up as I'd expect to roast for the shit they are doing.

If there is a life after death, which I doubt, surely then is the time that the chips get counted. If god hates homosexuals then he will take care of it. If god hates hate filled pious assholes then it's crispy redneck time. I know who i'd have my money on.

I think when we die it's over, so how about we worry about this world and stop being shitty to each other huh?

Monday, June 05, 2006

If his chest had been a cannon...

Wow, easy to let things slide huh? Been a while since I posted, I'd say blogged but it sounds a little bit like some sort of sexual deviancy ("Did you do some blogging? Nah, although we had the baby oil and sweet potatoes we couldn't find an aardvark and the paddling pool has a puncture from last time").

I have been up to stuff. Cooked for some friends to calm the rage. Been ill for a bit and off work (don't you wish you could force yourself to go to work when you are ill and take the time off when you could enjoy it? I think we will discuss this another time if I can be bothered).

Anyway it's that time of year in England when the rage is pumped up to volcanic proportions. I am not talking about x factor, though that can certainly take a long walk off a short pier. I am not talking about any celeb dance comp, this also can do some walking (right across a minefield). I am talking about big brother.

Bastards!

Where do they find these people? It could be so sweet. A trick to cull the losers from our society. Put them in and vote who you want executing. I understand why they choose these people, I am sure they get more votes because of how much people want these idiots dead than they would if they were all nice. I understand the need to make cash, I just think it's a missed opportunity to clean out the shallow end of the gene pool.

It's everywhere though. It's almost impossible to avoid. Adverts, clips blah blah blah. I hate it but I can't help it. Sooner or later I am going to get hypnotised. Like trying not to look in Dracula's eyes, I am the dumb guy who takes a look and next thing you know he's he's mesmerised and dracula is using him for a glove puppet and looking in his intestines for corn.

Big brother is just like that except no vampire comes along and gives you merciful death. They have no mercy. You end up talking about it. You end up thinking about it. Sooner or later it's going to get you. I hold it off as long as I can. I read a book, I go out, I sit in a dark room with my fingers in my ears going" la la la I am not listening to Davina" but I can't do it forever.

The time will come. I will be drunk and channel flicking at 2 am and there will be nothing on but big brother. There I will be. Drunk as the proverbial lord. Watching people I could cheerfully see rubbed with a cheese grater. The shame.

The way to go? Big brother Thunderdome. They go in. There are lot's of pointy weapons everywhere. One of them comes out. Then we shoot the one that gets out. You could raffle hunting tickets. Fox hunters could chase these people.

It's almost as bad as any British soap opera.
Jimmy likes you. Jimmy would like to go on a date with you. That makes Jimmy smile.